In Pursuit of a Normal Life - 2 - A Place To Belong
by Cream Pudding
Summary: Cloud and Roxas have to flee once more from the past which haunts and chases them. They leave behind the ones they love, begrudgingly, and head out in search of meaning and belonging in their lives. This is the story of what they find. FFVII/KH Hybrid Modern AU - Zack/Cloud - Axel/Roxas - Other surprise pairings - smut - adult themes - plot - very slow burn. Part 2/5
1. Southward

**Author Notes:**

Guys, this is the sequel to my other fic _A Small Glimpse._ You won't need to have read that fic to follow on with this one, but if you want some more background - if you wish to read about how Cloud and Roxas met and fell in love with Zack and Axel, respectively, then go read that while you wait for this fic to be updated. Updates usually happen on a Sunday afternoon - USA time.

Just copy the following into the address bar after fanfictiondot net/s/11952314/1/In-Pursuit-of-a-Normal-Life-1-A-Small-Glimpse

Anyway, _A Place To Belong_ is the second part of my series - **_In Pursuit of a Normal Life_**. The entire series is a slow burn. So if you're into that. then I hope you enjoy :)

Please leave reviews if you've enjoyed this fic and series.

~ _ **cream pudding**_

 **Chapter 1**

 _Southward_

Summary:

 _Cloud gives Roxas a choice, which ends up drastically shaping their future._

* * *

There was a knock.

"Five more minutes," came the tired mutter from inside.

A loud sigh emerged from somewhere above.

"So just long enough for you to shirk your responsibilities, I see." the voice had drifted further away with every word.

Roxas stretched as much as he could in the confined space of the sidecar. He had been surprised at how uncomfortable it had been getting back into this infernal coffin. He however was also quite perturbed over simultaneously having adjusted to the whole situation again so rapidly. It's like his body still remembered what it was like doing this for two years. The three months of respite had meant nothing. They were right back where they had been before their stop at Radiant Gardens.

It hurt like hell; the memory of that wonderful time. All Roxas could do was pretend that he loved traveling again in a vain hope to mask the resentment. But Roxas at least wasn't feeling resentful towards his brother, who was busy unpacking their sleeping bags. It was a larger resentment directed at their situation. At their fate or destiny.

They had found it. Had found friends, family, _a home_. They had been comfortable. They had been able to relax. There was a taste of that _normal_ life which Roxas had longed for and also dreaded. But then it was taken away once more.

It boggled Roxas' mind. Two days ago they had left Zack, Aerith, the Church. They had left Axel behind. Roxas' heart lurched in pain at that thought. He wanted to be back there so badly. Wanted to be held and kissed by Axel so desperately. But it wasn't to be. Instead he had been thrust once more into this uncomfortable and undesirable journey. But at the very least they were heading somewhere that Roxas actually wanted to visit and see. What a poor consolation prize though, thought Roxas with grave disappointment.

* * *

A few hours after leaving their former lives behind they had pulled in at a rest stop. Cloud had stocked up on some food and knick-knacks while Roxas had stood browsing the magazine racks absentmindedly. In truth his mind had been on Axel. The further Roxas moved from Axel the clearer his mind seemed to get. He began thinking more about Axel's words to him; that he would take care of Roxas' ' _problem_ '. Roxas felt stupid at having been so gullible. He hadn't been thinking, too caught up in their passion for each other. Roxas wished he had argued with Axel. Gotten more information out of him instead of blindly believing that Axel could somehow handle the situation. He had left his friends and his love behind to be hurt by his tormentor. Those were the thoughts that plagued Roxas.

But Cloud had pulled him out of his misery.

"Where do you want to go, Roxas?"

It had been such a simple question but Roxas had just stared at Cloud dumbfounded. He thought he had misheard at first. Yet the question had been put to him again.

"Where do you want to go, Roxas?" As if to emphasize the point Cloud had waved a wad of maps in front of Roxas' face.

Roxas had heard correctly after all. This was a pleasant and completely unexpected change; Cloud actually _asking_ for Roxas' input into something.

"Wutai" was the simple and abrupt response.

* * *

Roxas still remembered the look that had passed over Cloud's features. He swore there had been a flash of deep regret over having asked the question on his brother's face. Yet that look had cleared in an instance. Roxas had been acknowledged with a brief nod and an 'Ok'.

And now they were here. Roxas was still reeling over that fact.

Wutai was a large island off the mainland. All the bridges had been bombed during the war so the only access now was by ferry. They had crossed the sea earlier in the day that way. A military presence could still be felt as their bike had approached the docking area. There had been a lot of traffic which Roxas thought had eased Cloud's flaring anxiety a bit. Roxas was sure his brother had been extremely nervous about the military personnel but that the large crowd somehow relaxed him into feeling like they could blend in.

Roxas had been really excited to be on such a big ferry. Cloud on the other hand had spent the entire time looking green in the face. Roxas had enjoyed teasing his brother relentlessly by eating food in front of him and constantly offering Cloud the smelliest of the snacks.

A chuckle escaped his throat thinking back on how Cloud had heaved once they had reached dry land again.

"What are you laughing about now?" came Cloud's gruff bark. Roxas took his helmet off and shot a bright grin towards him.

"Just thinking about your motion sickness," laughed Roxas, which netted him a disgruntled look from Cloud who was a short distance across the field. "I thought I knew you really well. But you're still full of surprises!"

"If you don't get your arse over here and start helping me you'll see a few more surprised," threatened Cloud.

"Ok, ok. Puking makes you really grumpy, anyone ever tell you that?"

Silence.

The two brothers set up their camp a fair way off the road. They had passed through the harbor town once they got off the ferry, with the aim of getting to the capital, Wutai Village, about a day's ride west. The traffic had eased off once they got into the country. There were mountains everywhere, and quaint villages tucked between the folds of the valleys. Roxas had gazed upon all the sights in wonderment. The fifteen year long war had left scars everywhere. The roads were in disrepair. The few villages which _had_ survived, all bore the evidence that they only _just_ had scraped by. Charred remains and hollow shells of whole communities lay scattered in fields. Only ghosts of towns and peoples lives remained. Cloud had decided to turn off the main road a couple of miles back and to make camp in one of these graveyard fields. It was eerie.

"These mountains act like funnels for the wind. We should be somewhat protected from it if we bunker down here for the night." Cloud kicked some of the burnt and scattered bricks into a circle where they would light a fire shortly. The wind howled and the sunlight faded, plunging the world into grays and deep blues. Roxas was tasked with searching through the debris for items they might use as kindling. Wutai was down south enough for it to not be too cold, but a fire would be a welcoming sight nonetheless. Mostly to keep the ghosts away as well as the early morning chill which would eventually creep upon them.

Time passed and the night deepened.

"This place feels haunted," pipped up Roxas after they had finished their meager meal. He looked at an old and ragged teddy bear he had found among the rubble, which was now melting into the all consuming flames. "So many lives were destroyed. So many people never had a home to return to."

They both sat in silence. Roxas thought of their own home and how it had been taken away from them in a roundabout way thanks to the war having taken their father away.

"But Wutai isn't dead. People are rebuilding their lives. Everything was burned and destroyed, but-," Cloud trailed off for a moment, listening and looking beyond the fire, into the darkness beyond. Roxas' ears pricked up too. As he tuned in to their surroundings the crackle of the fire, which had been a loud roar in his ears just moments ago, faded against the even louder orchestra of crickets and cicadas chirping. Frogs croaked and the faint hooting of an owl echoed in the distant valley. Roxas gazed into the pitch black and began seeing faint lights dotting the landscape far beyond their reach. "Life is all around us, Roxas. As long as there's life it will go on. Just like we have found a way to go on." Cloud's voice was very low, almost like he was talking aloud to himself, desperately trying to remind himself of the need to survive.

"I'm really glad I have you in my life, Cloud. I know we both feel like we've caused each other a lot of grief, but I couldn't imagine going through all this alone," muttered Roxas. He didn't feel too comfortable having this conversation with his brother. It just wasn't something they ever did much of, but right now he really just wanted to share this moment and that sentiment with Cloud.

Roxas looked at Cloud, as his older brother startled him by suddenly leaning against him with his shoulder. "No one should have to go through what we've been through alone," agreed Cloud, echoing Roxas' sentiment. "I'm glad I've got you too."

Roxas nodded and a small smile spread across his face, thinking about all the friends he had made along the way recently. "We're definitely not alone anymore."

Some more silence passed between the brothers, while life was going on all around them.

"You miss him?" The question was barely above a whisper as it left Cloud's throat.

"Yeah," came the equally quiet response. After a moment longer Roxas felt Cloud's weight shift away.

"Do you really love Axel?" Cloud probed gently.

Roxas, who might have riled against this inquiry in the past only smiled softly. "You remind me of Zack. I knew being with him would be good for you," chuckled Roxas with genuine happiness.

"It's softened you up," answers Roxas when he saw Cloud's puzzled expression.

"But do you?" probed Cloud further, with reddening cheeks.

"I feel the same way about Axel as you do about Zack," responded Roxas with conviction.

Worry darted across Cloud's eyes. With some hesitation Cloud spoke up. "You should experience the world more before you go back to him. It's easy to get infatuated with someone when you haven't had much experience."

The mellow feeling in Roxas began to die away. He could feel his temper rising a little and defensiveness for himself and Axel creeping in.

"Is that what happened to you with -", Roxas couldn't say his name. He couldn't hurt his brother like that, not again. He changed tact and lightened his tone. "Is that what Zack is to you?"

"I just worry about you, Roxas," Cloud responded, completely disregarding his brothers question once again. "You don't know how people can be. I don't want you to be stuck in a relationship because-" Cloud trailed off, seemingly thinking about something very personal. "Live your life for yourself, and then make a decision around whether or not to go back to Axel." Cloud found renewed strength from somewhere deep within himself. "It's better to want to be with someone out of your own free will than feel you _need_ someone to be whole."

Cloud's words resonated inside of Roxas. Axel had bade him to live his life until they could be reunited. Axel had wanted him to be happy, as did Cloud. A slight nauseous feeling welled up inside of Roxas. All these people wanted and wished the best for him. As if Roxas was so special to deserve such care from everyone. Even Zack had called him special. But what was Roxas but a burden on society and his friends and family?

Roxas felt inadequate, pure and simple. The last few days travel and introspection had him feeling like he needed to do more with his life. If he was going to cause so much trouble to the people he cared about he wanted to at least do something worthwhile and have others be proud of him. It's why he decided that he wanted to go to Wutai. He wanted to connect with his father. Wanted to connect with a place that had been so badly hurt so he could see in what ways he might be able to help.

"I will live my life, Cloud. I won't hang around in limbo, I swear. But I'll also go back to Radiant Gardens one day, because I also made that promise to Axel." His eyes shone as the dancing firelight reflected off unshed tears.


	2. The WRT

**Chapter 2**

 _The WRT_

Summary:

A massive city. A Thief. A Chase. A Purpose.

* * *

The morning chill and dew clung to everything. The campfire had been quenched and left to smolder with residual heat. The sound of an engine coming to life cut through the stillness with the precision of a sharp knife. Fenrir snaked its way through the undergrowth, disturbing flocks of birds which hadn't risen yet. Roxas felt delighted at seeing the abundance of life all around him, as it punctuated the conversation they had last night.

The early morning faded and mountains made of wood and steel began to tower before them. Wutai Village came into view. The name was certainly deceptive, Roxas thought. He saw the pagoda well before they had reached the top of the plateau, climbing out of a deep valley. It was a massive structure, towering over the landscape. Cloud halted the bike on the crest of the mountain they had just rode up. Both were awe-stricken. A vast city sprawled out before them. This surely must have been one of the most open spaces on the entire island, and it was completely swallowed up by man made structures. At the very heart stood the pagoda and a few massive and imposing looking temples, glistening red in the haze. The mountain range hugged the city all around almost protectively.

The city appeared densely zoned together. Yet even here the war had left its mark. Debris littered and tore whole sections of the cityscape apart, leaving gaping voids and scars among the modest medium density buildings and the few high rises that did exist. Cloud imagined living here while the insurgencies were running amok, terrorizing everyone and blowing things up. He shuddered and his mind wandered to Zack. This is where Zack had spent nearly six years of his life. Cloud couldn't be further from the older man, yet he felt closer to him at this very moment than even at their most intimate moments.

Cloud's stomach had turned when Roxas told him where he wanted to go. But Cloud had made himself a promise to give his brother more autonomy and choice in the things they were going to do from here on in. He had come to realize that he couldn't dictate anyone's life but his own.

The thought of coming to Wutai had scared him to death, though. He had been terrified of what he would find - of what he would have to face. Their father's death haunted Cloud. The events and choices he made after the message was delivered to them tormented him. Cloud had feared what coming to the place which was the catalyst for it all would do to him. Cloud suspected that those thoughts whirling around his head were more to blame for his motion sickness than being on the actual vessel when they crossed the straits between the mainland and Wutai. Yet he couldn't bring himself to speak about it with Roxas.

Cloud was beginning to feel more at ease however. Wutai was just like any other place. He had seen the life all around as they had pushed through the countryside. And now to be gazing upon the city like he was; Cloud deeply breathed in the crisp air and let out a long sigh.

"What do you think we'll find down there?" asked Cloud of his travel companion.

Roxas gazed across the vast expanse and sternly stated, "Answers. I want to know what was so important for dad to give us up."

It was a stab to Cloud's heart. They never spoke about their father; too much resentment, and too much blame. Cloud loved his father despite everything though. He held many good memories of being with him. Roxas however had hardly any, and it made Cloud sad.

"Let's find out together," spoke Cloud as he turned to look upon his sibling. Roxas reflexively glanced at Cloud and gave a steely nod. Fenrir roared to life once more.

* * *

They were parallel with the city within half an hour. From ground level the city looked more formidable, albeit also more torn and destitute in some ways. Rubble and ruins kissed the outskirts. The bike passed a few people tending to their daily chores like the rice fields and maintaining or fixing the surrounding tumbling buildings. Only a handful of vehicles passed them by seemingly heading towards the harbor town. Wutai once had a population of 7 million. He had read about it in a brochure he found while trying to keep his breakfast down during their sea crossing. Cloud dreaded to think of where that number stood now.

As they continued their journey the buildings grew denser and streets narrowed considerably. Cloud pulled over into something that might have purposefully been built to be a car park or perhaps it had once been the site of a building. He couldn't be sure. Both got up and stretched. The morning had passed and the sun indicated it to be high noon as it beat down on them ferociously.

Cloud dug around for his map and then began walking out his stiff legs whilst trying to orientate himself and the map in relation to the landmarks. Roxas joined him shortly with a muesli bar shoved in his mouth and another in his hand to offer to Cloud.

He took it with a "Thanks" and turned his eyes up at the pagoda which was still a considerable distance away yet noticeably looming large. "You know, I read about Wutai. There are many tourist hot spots, especially in the center of the city."

"I really don't feel like being a tourist, Cloud." muttered Roxas.

The two weighed up their options for several minutes, debating where to go and what they even wanted to get out of this experience. A small sound caught Cloud's attention from behind them. The occasional car had passed by. The insects hummed in the hot summer air, but this sound was something scraping against metal. Cloud glanced around out of reflex rather than genuine concern, and quickly did a double take. He suddenly sprang into action and dashed off, starling Roxas.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing!", yelled Cloud as he made short work of the distance between himself and his bike which was currently being rifled through by a reedy girl barely any older than Roxas. Dark brown eyes shot up. The startled look was replaced by a wicked grin. She grabbed their bags, slung them over her shoulder and jumped backwards with great agility. Letting out a boastful laugh a voice emanated from that tiny frame. 'You've just been burgled by The Single White Rose of Wutai! See ya!"

She was off like a shot.

Cloud gave chase without a second thought, yelling at Roxas to stay put only to hear a second set of footsteps advancing and keeping time with his own.

They ran through alleyways, vaulted over fences, and dodged any items the thief knocked over in her wake. The brothers didn't know the terrain so they were at a clear disadvantage. They would round a corner only to find the next alley completely deserted. Then a sound would alert them to the thief's whereabouts and they would make another mad dash for it. They would see the thief scale rooftops and give more boastful laughs, taunting them before disappearing on the other side.

"She's toying with us," huffed Cloud, exhaustion starting to set in. They had been at this game of cat and mouse for over ten minutes now and still were no closer to getting their belongings back. They were however completely lost, observed Cloud as he looked about yet another alley. Every turn started to look the same. Maybe they had just been running in circles? Cloud wasn't sure.

A clatter sounded from one of the rooftops.

"In there!" shouted Roxas and raced towards a wooden structure with a stone lantern adorning the front. Cloud followed as Roxas slid the door open with a loud rattle shouting 'We've got you _now_ , thief!" They burst into the dark interior, eyes adjusting slowly after having been in the glaring sun for so long.

"Can we help you?" a man's voice came out of the dimness.

As eyes adjusted the brothers began making out the features of the house they had stumbled into. It looked to have been a bar once upon a time with a counter running the length of the back wall and glass cabinets behind it. It had been completely gutted however. Several sturdy looking wooden tables and a sofa lined one side of the room and a large and imposing table stood in the center littered with reams of paper, writing utensils and a hefty amount of drinking cups and coffee pots. This table seemed the focal point of the room if the small crowd of people gathered around it was anything to go by.

A brunette man dressed in a casual white shirt, and dark washed jeans stepped forward. Calculating yet calm blue eyes fell on the two blondes who had come crashing into their space. Heavy breathing filled the room. The gentle hum of the ceiling fans could be heard overhead as well as the buzzing of the few lamps that illuminated the table.

A gust of wind rolled through, rattling the traditional wooden sliding door and walls. Cloud cleared his throat uncomfortably. "We're in pursuit of a girl who stole our things. We thought she came through here," said Cloud by way of an apology for barging in like they had.

All eyes were on Cloud and Roxas. Both of them felt awkward. Suddenly a girl who was sitting at the table bent over a laptop began giggling, causing her brown flicks of hair to bob and dance around her face.

The man who stood in front of the brothers let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand. Turning his back on the intruders he threw his eyes upwards to the roof and barked, "I know you like to steal from rich people, Yuffie, but these kids don't look like they've ever seen anything of value in their lives. What are you doing!?"

A hatch opened above. The taunting voice which had lead Cloud and Roxas on the wild goose chase chimed up "Look out down below!" and two bags were dropped from the ceiling hitting the wooden floor hard.

"Hey watch it!" shouted Roxas in concern and rushed over with Cloud close behind him to claim their items.

The girl lowered herself swiftly from the hatch, being careful to aim for Cloud as she dropped, landing squarely on his shoulder. She laughed loudly, ruffling Cloud's hair and somersaulted off while Cloud made sounds of indignation.

"I just thought the blonde was too cute… so I brought him in," Yuffie winked at the brothers, grinning broadly. Cloud and Roxas exchanged confused looks, not knowing which of them she was actually referring to.

The girl at the computer laughed again while the other men just sighed.

"I'm sorry that she caused you so much trouble," said the man who seemed to take on the leadership role of the small group. "Apologize to them Kisaragi and make it up to them" came the order.

"The Great Ninja Yuffie apologizes to _no one_!".

"I _will_ revoke your mini bar privileges if you don't."

The girl called Yuffie looked stricken.

"But Squall!"

The man she had addressed as Squall only narrowed his eyes and shook his head. Yuffie's head slumped and she dragged her heels walking over to the brothers. "I'm sorry" came the quiet and disgruntled mutter. "How can I make it up to you?"

Cloud and Roxas looked at each other before turning their attention back on the defeated ninja and in unison said, "Lunch."

* * *

Yuffie had organized a banquet for them. She had run around and arranged multitudes of plates and dishes from the surrounding restaurants. Cloud and Roxas had told them this was their first time in Wutai so Yuffie felt inspired to introduce them to the culinary delights which her beloved homeland had to offer. Cloud considered himself pretty hardy when it came to food. But some of the dished she presented were completely alien to Cloud's palette and he wasn't completely sure if he liked them or was repulsed by them. The occasional glance towards Roxas indicated to him that his brother felt much the same way. Despite their host having introduced herself in a spectacularly bad fashion they didn't wish to be rude, offering up positive comments about the food, no matter how imaginative they had to be to find a good point.

Everyone had introduced themselves. There was Squall, who seemed somewhat reserved. Irvine who looked ridiculous in his cowboy hat which covered lanky long brown hair. Cid, a rather gruff looking older man who constantly had a cigarette in his mouth, whether it was lit or not. Barret a burly and well built man with a strange contraption fused to his arm, which Roxas couldn't look away from, and then there was Selphie, a cheerful young woman who did the bulk of the chatting. Selphie who had been on the laptop earlier told the brothers that they were all members of the Wutai Restoration Team, or WRT for short.

The WRT worked tirelessly at organizing and fixing the eastern section of Wutai.

"There are other WRT's all across the city. We all get a section and then compete against each other to see who can fix their bridges, roads, or parks first. So far we are trailing behind the Central-East guys, but not by much."

Cid sat at the far end of the desk grumbling and taking a long drag on his cigarette. "Those bastards are sabotaging our work. I saw one of them sons of bitches snuffling around our scrap yard the other day, sussin' out what materials they could come and nick. We needa get some security, Squall."

"We're strained for personnel as is, Cid. I can't spare anyone for a hunch."

"It ain't a bloody hunch ya lily livered-" Cid was getting riled up but Barret placed his good hand on the other man's shoulder to calm him.

"Pipe down ya hear. Squall's doin' 'is best. Them scum at Central-East's just got themselves a bit of a head start. Nothin' to worry 'bout. I'll get some of my guys to swing by ya scrapper durin' da nights."

This appeared to appease Cid somewhat who then sat in silence chewing his smoke.

"Maybe you could ask Godo to give us more money or man-power, Yuffie. If he's so determined to have Wutai be rebuilt he should cough up more resources." Squall put to her.

She just scratched the back of her head in agitation.

Roxas looked at Cloud eagerly. Oh boy, Cloud knew what was about to happen. He could see it in the way Roxas looked at him with pleading eyes. Cloud gave a small resigned nod. They had been looking for things to do in this city after all. The smile on Roxas' face brightened.

"If you need more hands Cloud and I would be glad to help in any way we can."


	3. Settling In

**Chapter 3**

 _Settling In_

Summary:

The brothers get used to their new life. Cloud has a mini panic attack.

* * *

The brothers had fit in quite well with the team. Roxas took to everyone like a duck to water. He and Yuffie became great friends. They often competed against each other regarding who could be the greatest ninja and would gently tease each other any chance they got. When they had time to spare Yuffie would take Roxas out to go hunt for treasure. They never came back with anything substantial but the smile on Roxas' face was enough for Cloud.

Cloud and Roxas stayed in a room above the refurbished bar, as did half of the other WRT members. Cid, Barret, Squall and Squall's girlfriend, Rinoa, always left in the night to return to their own respective lodgings, citing this kind of share house lifestyle to be too immature for them. So on many nights the younger members of the team were left to entertain themselves.

Most of that entertainment came in the form of Selphie and Irvine coming up with ridiculous ideas on how to get Cloud to come out of his shell. Once Selphie and Yuffie had suggested putting Cloud into a dress. He had looked petrified while Roxas just cried with laughter and Irvine had stayed strangely quiet and washed himself of the whole affair.

Cloud had been delighted to find out that Cid owned a mechanic shop, which he endeavored to visit whenever he had free time. Cloud still tried to keep to himself, mostly out of habit but also because he just didn't know how to relate to other people too well. So being able to find solitude and comfort in motor oil, pistons and spark plugs was a saving grace from Selphie and Irvine's insistence on getting Cloud out and socializing more.

The brothers learned more about Wutai slowly day by day. There was a lot of national pride living inside the inhabitants. A lot of people were born and bred in Wutai, but also a lot of people had come from outside, especially during the war and had decided to settle and make Wutai their home as well. There was something about this country, it's people and their way of life that left a lasting impression in people's minds, Cloud thought. He could certainly feel it slowly leaving an impression on himself too.

Cloud felt the tranquility of the environment seep into his bones. It was what often inspired him to go for a run through the streets and into the rice paddies a short distance away. He relished the way the mist curled and evaporated as the sun rose and kissed the city. Cloud's thoughts often drifted to Zack at those moments, wondering if he had seen the same things. It always left his heart feeling heavy and like it was being squeezed in a vice. How he wished he didn't feel this way about the other man. How he wished he didn't _need_ him. Cloud always came back feeling more dispirited than when he left. His feet dragged more, his eyebrows knitted just a bit tighter. The ache in his heart a stronger throb. Yet he kept doing it. On the one hand it was a very soothing activity, and on the other a punishment he probably felt he deserved somewhere deep down.

Cloud felt pride in himself for keeping his feelings hidden. Yes, he may appear generally moody and brooding to others, but he felt he could stop the intensity of his feelings from showing. Yet at some point Squall started joining him for morning runs. Cloud hadn't invited him. He had just shown up and followed. They never spoke. The only sound between them was their heavy breathing and footfalls. Everytime Cloud felt his mind wander to his misery Squall would pick up the pace, bump into his shoulder and start getting a bit competitive. It always snapped Cloud out of his ruminations and left him feeling better at the end of the workout.

Once Cloud even ventured so far as to express a ' _Thanks_ ' to Squall who only nodded and gave him an understanding smile before heading off to use the shower in the building. Cloud was left wondering if he truly _did_ understand. But over the months that the brothers remained in Wutai, Cloud became certain that Squall did understand. He felt a kinship with Squall. They seemed to just _get_ each other with minimal words. It was refreshing.

* * *

The brothers checked in with each other often over the course of the weeks and eventual months. At first it had been every couple of days, "Should we pack up and go?" Cloud would ask.

Roxas would answer with some hesitation, "N-no. Let's stay just one more week. I haven't found what I was looking for."

This morphed into, "You want to stay one more week?"

"Yeah, there's _X, Y_ or _Z_ happening next week. I just want to help them finish it off."

Eventually there were no more questions regarding whether or not they were going to move on from this place.

The closest they ever came to packing up and leaving was one morning when Cloud, just having completed his morning run and shower, was heading downstairs to start his day with the WRT. He rounded the hallway corner and was just about to step through the archway into the larger room beyond when he saw a group of men and women dressed in uniforms and armed with clipboards. Cloud threw himself back on his heels and, thankfully silently, slammed against the wall and away from the doorway. He knew those uniforms. Cloud squeezed his eyes shut against the intruding images of silver hair and steel. His mind began racing, figuring out what his quickest way of escape would be. Panic was threatening to overcome him when he heard Squall's voice emanate from the room beyond.

"As you can see East Wutai's restoration is right on track. We've managed to clear all of the rubble in sections K through to P in half the time we anticipated it to take. Bridge reconstructions are right on schedule and moral is high in the squadron as well as in the civilian quarter, Sir."

"Thank you for the updates, Corporal Leonhart. Your squadron has really picked up their game. It's also good that you are keeping the civilians in mind. How are Wallace and Highwind handling themselves? The brass is still concerned about them due to their, shall we say, _firmly_ held beliefs."

"Wallace and Highwind have been exemplary in the work they have done regarding the restoration efforts. There have been no complaints or disagreements, Sir."

Cloud wondered how he hadn't known that Squall was part of the military. The panic subsided somewhat as he realized that these people weren't there for him or Roxas, yet he still didn't feel comfortable. Cloud's attention returned to the room just beyond the wall as he heard three familiar voices give a very official sounding goodbye and then footsteps followed by a door sliding open and shut.

Cloud peeked around the corner, heart pounding loudly in his ears.

"Phew! I always feel so stuffy having to get dressed up like this!" came Selphie's relieved voice as she undid her stiff collar. Irvine noticed Cloud first and called him over. Cloud stepped forward reluctantly, hardly recognizing Irvine, Squall and Selphie looking so smart and official. At this very moment they felt like strangers.

"What was that?" asked Cloud somewhat shakily and eyes darting between the trio.

"Our Sergeant Major comes to check up on us every quarter. We have to put on these uniforms and perform a song and dance for them." Irvine said casually, also tugging to undo his collar.

"I didn't realize this was a military operation," said Cloud, the distaste evident in his voice.

"The WRT's a joint venture between the Wutai government and the Galbadian and Midgar military. It was part of Wutai's surrender conditions," informed Squall coolly. "If it bothers you, you are free to leave. You have no commitment to this country, you have nothing to atone for."

Irvine had shot Squall a sharp look but he only shrugged it off. "Anyway, we are going to go get changed. You are more than welcome to keep helping us make Wutai a better place. Otherwise you know where the door is."

It had been cruel and sharp. Cloud watched the three uniformed shapes march themselves past him to get changed. There was one thing however which Cloud desperately needed to know before he could make a decision.

"Squall," he said quietly as the man brushed past him.

Squall, who had been bringing up the rear, stopped and turned to face Cloud. Selphie and Irvine continued on, but not without throwing a curious look towards the two of them as they rounded the corner.

"Did you tell anyone about Roxas and me working for you?" Cloud kept his voice deliberately low, not putting it past the other two to eavesdrop.

"If I had would it be an issue for you?"

It was sometimes impossible to read Squall with his cool demeanor. Cloud however found that an admirable quality in the man, despite it currently inflicting irritation upon Cloud.

"It would."

Squall stood there, casually, but intensely observing Cloud for several moments.

"Aside from Barret and Cid it's none of the brass' concern which civilians are working for us at what time. I disclose names at my discretion. I haven't felt a need to tell anyone about you or your brother."

Cloud visibly relaxed.

"Is there anything I should be concerned about, Cloud?"

He shook his head. As long as they could remain under the military's radar Cloud felt content.


	4. Winter Tales

**Chapter 4**

 _Winter Tales_

Summary:

 _Presents and mistletoe make for awkward moments._

* * *

Winter had rapidly approached. The days turned shorter and the nights cooler. The humidity subsided and the wind turned more biting and fierce. Wintersday decorations with a distinct Wutai flair started popping up around shop windows and in homes.

Cloud and Roxas hadn't celebrated Wintersday in a great number of years. The last couple of years had been far too hectic, and this holiday season had always been tinged with too much sadness for them to properly enjoy the festivities. Cloud didn't even really remember what he was supposed to do. But for Roxas, coming to Wutai, and being exposed to Selphie and Yuffie's merry making had been intoxicating.

The whole of the WRT's workspace had been transformed and decked out. Little ornaments and decorations found their way into every room. Baubles, streamers, little pagodas. Yuffie had also strategically placed mistletoe in sneaky spots to see who she would be able to catch unawares. The place was positively buzzing with anticipation.

When Wintersday finally came everyone had gathered to exchange gifts and to feast. Rinoa had knitted everyone light scarves embellished with their Eastern Wutai Restoration Team's emblem; a timber owl, native to this region. Selphie and Roxas had baked everyone cookies and Yuffie had decorated them with shuriken shaped frosting, claiming her artistry to be her gift to the world.

Other gifts were given, ranging from the practical - a new tool box for Cid, oil and polish for Barret's gun arm. To frivolous and indulgent things like a new flashy coat in the latest fashion style that was trending Wutai for Rinoa, and ornate nunchucks for Selphie.

There was singing and dancing. Selphie had taken it upon herself to teach Cloud and Roxas some of the most classic Wutai Wintersday songs. Nothing about snow, as there was none in this sub-tropical climate, but plenty of songs about pagodas and the water god Da-chao riding his leviathan, delivering presents.

Roxas had also dazzled Yuffie and Selphie with tales of what snow was actually like as they had never seen any. The amazement those two girls expressed served as much amusement until the call to dinner had shifted everyone's focus.

The evening waned on and Cloud eventually retired into a corner of the room near the bar, which had been made into an actual bar for this one night. He watched with amusement as the girls spent a good amount of time chasing Roxas around, trying to corner him underneath a mistletoe. Squall and Barret were talking about what other projects were left to do and Cid was sketching out a new design for a plane which he knew he would never be able to build.

Cloud smiled in contentment. This felt like a family to him.

"That looks good on you, you know." Irvine startled Cloud out of his reverie. Cloud looked over at the man who had pulled up a seat next to him and was leaning against the bar.

"You're smile," clarified Irvine with one of his own broad ones.

"Oh." Cloud felt the uncomfortable prickling sensation of his skin heating up.

"I just wanted to give this to you." Irvine handed him a small box, wrapped in festive paper.

"But I didn't get you anything." Cloud was dumbfounded as he accepted the gift. It hadn't actually occurred to him to get anyone anything and he had felt embarrassed over the whole ordeal as the exchanges had taken place earlier that evening.

"You don't have to. It's all in Da-chao's giving spirit." Irvine said with sincerity in his voice.

Cloud watched as Irvine's eyes drifted up and followed his gaze. Cloud's eyes widened considerably and his heart clenched while the pit of his stomach felt like it sunk to the floor.

Right above Cloud's head, duct taped to the corned wall was a devilishly placed mistletoe. If he hadn't been red before he was definitely red in the face now. Without another sound Irvine leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on the corner of Cloud's mouth.

Cloud was frozen in place, not knowing how to react. All he could feel were warm lips and Irvine's breath caress his skin. An image of Zack flashed across Cloud's mind as he stared into blue eyes. But the hair wasn't right.

"Happy Wintersday, Cloud." Irvine's smiling eyes shone at him and only turned brighter as Cloud's face turned redder.

"H-happy Wintersday to you too." stammered Cloud as Irvine pulled back and put some much needed distance between them.

"I hope the gift will come in use," was all that Irvine said to him as he got up to leave. Coat tails swished as he turned and walked over to try and save Roxas from Yuffie's advances.

"Hey Yuffie! If you want to kiss a boy so bad then there's always me."

"You're an old man, Irvine. Don't be gross." Yuffie's loud voice rose above the festive music which played in the background.

Cloud blinked in slow motion. He could still feel Irvine's lips. His skin felt seared even though it had been the lightest of touches. The small box felt heavy in his hands all of a sudden.

He gingerly undid the wrapping and lifted the lid to find a blue loop of stretch fabric inside. He looked at it in puzzlement until he saw a folded piece of paper at the bottom of the box.

It read -

" _To keep your hair out of those lovely eyes when you go running."_

 _-IK-_

* * *

A few days after Wintersday was officially over Yuffie had dragged Roxas out and up Da-chao Mountain to look for more treasure. They never found any but it never deterred the young ninja.

"Is snow really real, Roxas? It's not some stupid lie that adults make up, right? You'd never lie to me, would you." Yuffie inquired while balancing on a large rock, eager to get a better view of a hollow in a tree as she suspected treasure around every corner.

"Snow is really real. I promise," laughed Roxas as he poked the rocky creek bed with a stick to see if he could find anything lurking underneath the water.

"It's cold and falls silently from the sky. It makes the whole world look like it's pulled a comfortable blanket over itself. And it's a million times better than rain, because you don't get wet, unless it melts on you."

"Did you see a lot of snow growing up?" Yuffie gave up on the tree and sat down on the rock, feet dangling and looking at Roxas.

"Me? Not so much. Only sometimes while Cloud and I were travelling around. Our parents lived waaaay up north in a small village called Nibelheim. I've never been there but mom would often talk about it, especially in the hot summers. She said that winter was her favorite time of the year. The silence was heavenly. The snow would drown all sound. Everything was crisp and fresh and all you could hear was the wind. She said she felt like it was the mountain breathing peacefully." Roxas smiled to himself at the memory. He still remembered his mother's face and the way she embodied peace and tranquility when she thought about it.

A thought suddenly popped into his head."That's why mom gave Cloud his name, actually. She loved the clouds that would bring the snow every winter. She looked forward to it and waking up to a world of white."

"Why didn't she name him _Snow_ then if she liked snow so much?" Yuffie felt mystified at how dumb grownups could be sometimes.

"She loved the clouds more because they were a promise of what was to come. She liked how gently they rolled in," shrugged Roxas.

"So how come you got stuck with a name like ' _Roxas'_ then?"

"Hey!, It's still loads better than ' _Yuffie'!_ " Roxas threw a small pebble in her general direction, which was responded with by a tongue sticking out and a loud ' _Nah-ah_ '.

"Mom got sick after Cloud was born so dad moved them to warmer climate once he found out that she was pregnant with me. Mom heard the name _Roxas_ on the journey down and she just said she always liked the sound of it. I know it's not as great a story as Cloud's name but- ," he shrugged his shoulders again.

"She said it sounded like sunshine and happiness to her. Then she saw my face when I popped out and my bundle of hair and she decided that this would be my name. Good enough for me."

"Well it's good enough for me too. C'mon, Roxas! I heard that Da-chao likes to leave presents for only the bravest souls at the very top of the mountain. Let's go!" She roused, jumped off her perch and dashed up the winding path.

Roxas laughed. He certainly loved Yuffie's enthusiasm. "Wait for me!"

"Na-ah! Slow pokes get no claim on the treasures that The Great Ninja Yuffie discovers first!"

Roxas bolted after her.


	5. A Nation's Grief

**Chapter 5**

 _A Nation's Grief_

Summary:

 _Nearly a year has passed. Roxas was overdue for a short history lesson._

* * *

When he wasn't out helping the WRT or gallivanting around the city and surrounding countryside with Yuffie, Roxas worked at a small inn called _The Turtle Paradise_. The owners of the inn, Sheng and Fen, were a lovely couple who often spoke to Roxas about their daughter who had left Wutai a few years ago to study abroad. He had somewhat become their surrogate child and they doted on him. Roxas adored them not only because they treated him like a son but because they also taught him an awful lot about restauranteering.

"You have a real knack for this, youngling," was encouragement which Roxas often received from Fen, along with her kind smile.

It was currently peak lunch hour at _The Turtle Paradise_ and Roxas went flat out cooking as well as serving the meals, which largely consisted of different types of ramen dishes. Often times when it got really busy Roxas would work even harder with a giant smile plastered on his face. He would be reminded of Axel; his encouragement and speculative words around Roxas being good at this type of thing. Roxas really _was_ good at this. It was immensely satisfying work to feed others and to receive praise and thanks.

Roxas didn't find himself thinking much about Axel lately. It was mostly times like these whilst he was in the kitchen preparing meals. It had been a bit disturbing at first. Roxas couldn't pinpoint when exactly his heart stopped clenching at the thought of that red hair and those green eyes. Roxas wondered if it had anything to do with Selphie and her green eyes. He really enjoyed hanging out with her. Maybe her presence was immunizing him from being driven crazy by the thought of green. He couldn't say. But he was certain of one fact, he was having a great time. He was doing as Axel had bade him and he refused to feel bad about it.

Every day was a joy and the energy in the place was always high. However this week something seemed off to Roxas as he observed the customers flowing in and out. There were still a lot of people crammed into the small inn yet the atmosphere was off kilter. When Roxas had a moment he went to speak with Sheng who was in the back doing the dishes.

"You can use the dishes on the left there, if you're running out of bowls."

"No, I don't need any more right now."

Sheng looked up from what he was doing and gave Roxas a quizzical look. He patted the chair next to him.

"I'm just wondering what's going on. Something doesn't feel right this week. Everyone's so… quiet."

"Oh I forget that you're not from around here." Sheng slapped a wet hand against his head to punish his forgetfulness. "Wutai always gets a bit depressing around this time of year. A lot of _bad_ stuff happened. You heard of the _Retaliation_?"

Roxas shook his head. Despite having been in Wutai for nearly a year now, a fact which in itself was a complete shock to Roxas, he still hadn't found out much about the particulars of the war. Life had kind of just gotten in the way of Roxas getting closer to finding out what his father had been involved in. But Roxas reflected that this week was certainly the anniversary of his father's death, as well as Roxas' birthday. So maybe the answers would come after all.

"Well the war around here had been going for a lot of years. The Shinra wanted to come in here and take all our natural minerals, cut down all our trees, tunnel into the earth and pipe the gasses out. We Wutai didn't want any of that. We take great care to respect Gaia, our mother."

Sheng began scrubbing furiously as he continued, "The North has a different philosophy when it comes to such things. Our government at the time had a spine. They didn't flip flop over to Shinra's requests. Not even the demand to hand over our country's nuclear missiles. We had to keep something as our last defense. A lot of neighbors had our backs. Mainly because we traded our resources with them. But Shinra would surely plan to take it all for themselves. So our countries fought. Shinra threatened and pouted like a small child. They destroyed a lot of our national treasures, but we never let them get to Wutai Village, our heart and pride. Our pagoda still stands in defiance." Sheng smiled warmly while taking a glance out the window where he could see the tall structure.

"For many years it was tit for tat. Soldiers would come take some land, we would get it back. Slowly overtime they were tightening a noose around us though. Outer villages got plundered and destroyed. People fled to Wutai Village, and our city grew bigger and bigger out of necessity. We were garnering the broader global sympathies. People in Galbadia were becoming upset with their military's seeming bullying of our poor nation. It was a real hot pot boiling over." Sheng chuckled at his soupy metaphor before his face fell and turned grave.

He turned to face Roxas for dramatic effect. "But then the _Retaliation_ happened. People had become restless. Tired of a war that dragged on for more than a decade. Look at you, after all Roxas. You're - what now? Eighteen?"

"Nearly seventeen," corrected Roxas.

"This war technically had been going for nearly as many years as you have ever lived. Things like that aren't right. And people became agitated, irritated, they had enough. AVALANCHE was formed to retaliate. They actually formed a few years after the war broke out. They had been causing small troubles for Shinra and the invading soldiers here and there. But in the final few years they became really organized. After Shinra demanded we hand over our nuclear weapons some bright spark in AVALANCHE decided that they would _send_ the missiles to Midgar, over the ocean." Sheng chuckled, seemingly delighted at the prospect of giving Shinra what they deserved.

But then he turned serious again. "But they were also crazy. For some reason they were going to blow up our own nuclear reactor. It's on the western mountain range. Provides power for our entire island. No one knew those nut jobs were planning to harm their own people, but that plot was stopped luckily. I heard rumors that it was AVALANCHE's own people who stopped that disaster from happening. I'd love to meet them and thank them."

"But anyway… surely you would have heard about General Sephiroth having stopped the nuclear launch. That was a funny time. These soldiers worked for our enemy but also seemed on our side. If the nuclear strike had gone through who knows where Wutai… or the world would be at right now. We could all be a smoking pile of ashes." Sheng shuddered at that thought.

"But that little stunt by AVALANCHE sealed our fate as a nation. We lost all support from the world, more troops rolled in and took our government apart. The war was declared over a bit after a year later." Sheng sighed. "Needless to say really, but this week gets a lot of us down. I think our great nation has a lot of strength and fortitude, but even we need a break from being strong and just let the past tragedies wash over us a little."

Sheng noticed Roxas' sad look on his face and gently rubbed his cheek with a wet hand. "It's alright Roxas. The best thing we can do is feed people delicious ramen and give them a smile. Let them know they are not alone and that there is great compassion out there. As long as we care for each other things can only get better." Sheng gave Roxas a small smile, who reciprocated before quietly making his way back to the front of the shop.


	6. The Missing Man

**Chapter 6**

 _The Missing Man_

Summary:

 _Cloud reflects on his time in Wutai, but his thoughts always drift back to Zack. The brothers also finally learn a little more about the past._

* * *

Cloud lay sprawled out on the sofa staring at the ceiling and reflecting on how the year had flown by. He never thought it would or could, but it had. He had kept busy. He had distracted himself, hard. He had actively avoided Irvine after their encounter during Wintersday, without making it look too suspicious, he had hoped. Yet Irvine eventually replaced Squall as Cloud's running partner, so there was no avoiding him after that.

It had been a day like any other. Cloud had gotten up as usual, dressing and putting the headband on as usual. It had been a thoughtful gift after all, and Cloud really appreciated not having hair plastered to his skin. But when he had walked out he had found Irvine standing there.

The man's smile had broadened considerably at seeing Cloud make use of his gift. It had sent nervous flutters through Cloud's body which unsettled him somewhat. Irvine however never let Cloud's silence deter him in starting a string of conversations as they set off. He was a lot more chatty than Squall, which bothered Cloud, but the others company was still appreciated nonetheless.

Over the year Cloud had also steadily increased his workload at Cid's workshop. Once Cid had realized that Cloud was an asset he invited him around more. Sometimes Cloud would fall asleep there but despite Cid's gruff nature and outer appearance, Cloud always woke up with a blanket around his shoulders and a pillow under his head.

They never shared any kind words but would talk shop and oftentimes become excited about mundane things like a new piston design or even coming up with more efficient ways to get down into the gear boxes of some of the more tricky vehicles that Cid was working on. Cloud would indulge Cid by listening to him talk for hours on end about the planes he had flown in the past during the war, as well as listen to his dreams of designing new and better planes.

Slowly but surely Cloud learned about Cid's bitterness towards the government at having abolished all of the country's aviation programs due to sanctions. Cloud had felt sorry for him. He would hate not being able to do what he loved, which was to fix and modify vehicles. That thought in itself had come as somewhat of a surprise to Cloud. The fact that he had an interest and hobby which he could engage with and enjoy felt alien to him. He hadn't been able to invest in his own interests for so long that the time he spent in Cid's workshop seemed impossibly precious.

Cloud stretched firmly on the sofa, marveling at how comfortable it was. Not just the fabric, but his entire life. Roxas would often be out, working at _The Turtle Paradise_ , or helping gather resources for the WRT's building projects. Cloud didn't spend much time worrying about him any longer. Something about this country, and the people who he reluctantly would call _friends,_ deeply relaxed a part of himself which had been tense for far too many years.

It was like Wutai would be the last place on earth that anyone would ever look for them. This felt like the least logical place for them to end up. Cloud wished he had thought of it years ago. And yet -.

Cloud fumbled with the phone in his pocket. It was the phone which Zack had given to him. He always carried it with him. It made communicating with the other team members easier but in truth Cloud only had it on him for one reason. He was glad they had made the journey to Radiant Gardens. He was glad that he had met Zack. In the depth of Cloud's heart Zack's name always reverberated with longing.

Some nights when he felt at his loneliest he would look at his phone, highlight Zack's name and just stare at the photo Zack had uploaded to go with his contact information. Some days it brought a smile to Cloud's face, other times tears. It was just a photo of Zack, with a big grin on his face and making the shape of a loveheart with both his hands. It was so stupid yet meant so much to Cloud.

He would oftentimes find himself hovering his finger over the call button. He wanted to hear the dorky voice which accompanied that foolish smile. He wanted to hear him say ' _Good Morning, Sunshine_!' and ' _Welcome back, Cloud._ ' He missed the way Zack always bounced when he was getting antsy, or the way his eyes shon when he spoke about his work, or the church - or when he spoke about… Cloud.

Cloud shook his head and tried to rouse himself out of his thoughts as he felt his cheeks heat up and his pulse quicken. His heart throbbed in his veins as he lounged on the sofa thinking about all of this. The way his heart ached even after all this time always made him switch his phone off at night. He would bury his feelings and thoughts of Zack into the deep recesses of his mind and try to get some sleep.

Cloud had made the decision pretty early on when they first left the church that he wouldn't go back to Zack. Not until the day he felt like he no longer needed the other man. Not until the day when he was confident that he could very happily live without him in his life.

It's what he had tried to impart to Roxas; to not go back to Axel out of need, but out of want. The idea that you could take it or leave it, and it wouldn't bother you either way. That's what Cloud wanted desperately for himself. Some days he wanted to forget Zack because the misery that his absence caused was greater pain than any of the cuts that dug into his back.

His words to Zack after the last time they had been together rang in his ears loudly on nights when the hollowness in his chest ached too much to bare; when the urge to hit that call button was overwhelming.

' _You make me whole… and you complete me._ '

It made him feel physically ill. The truth of it sickened and terrified him. And the fact that he had felt the same way and uttered the same words to another man pained him. How could he feel the same way about two very important, but also very different men in his life?

It disturbed Cloud a great deal. He couldn't justify his emotions. He couldn't understand how he managed to hold both men in his heart. Why should he hate one while loving another when they had both meant the same to him? They had both completed him. Both been safety and comfort.

But one of them had turned abusive. The cut on his chest would itch and the ones on his back would burn with apprehension. One man's torment of him made Cloud feel more strongly drawn towards the other. Cloud didn't like that. He didn't like missing Zack so much, and wanting to be with him purely because of the suffering he had to endure by the hands of another. He didn't feel it was fair on Zack.

Cloud didn't want to be so weak anymore. He felt ashamed of himself, and dreaded that Zack wouldn't want to be with someone who needed someone else as badly as Cloud felt he needed him. Cloud had envisioned himself as leaving Zack weak, but coming back to him strong. Zack never seemed to need anyone. Even when his world had crumbled, he had gone out and soldiered on. He had been there for others and still got through his pain. Cloud wanted to be strong like that.

And on some days Cloud actually felt strong. Some days he didn't think about Zack at all.

Until the nights set in.

The nights were always the worst. He found it hard to stop the silent tears some nights. The tears only served to emphasize how much he still wasn't ready to face Zack. How much he didn't deserve to be with him. Why would anyone wish to be with a crybaby? Cloud had always marveled at the fact that Zack had never seemed to turn away from him. He couldn't comprehend how that man could stomach Cloud's turmoil. Cloud could hardly stomach it most days. But he guessed that was part of the reason why Zack meant as much to him as he did.

Cloud felt the sofa dip, pulling him out of his deep thoughts. His eyes focused on the cowboy hat at the other end. Irvine gave him a small nod, stretched his arms out on the back of the sofa and tipped his hat over his eyes, leaning his head against the wall.

"Long day?" inquired Cloud. He knew Irvine had been out by the river overseeing the bridge construction all afternoon.

"Long and hot. You had a good day, Cloud? Do anything fun?"

Irvine always asked him if he had done anything fun. The older man always seemed to be concerned about Cloud having a good time - of having company - of being looked after. It was somewhat disconcerting the fuss Irvine made over Cloud at times.

"I've been tinkering in Cid's workshop all day. So yeah, I had fun."

Cloud could hear Irvines dissatisfied grunt. "I guess one man's fun is another man's nightmare."

Cloud was going to attempt once again to convince Irvine that there was nothing terrible about being by oneself but Selphie came bounding down the stairs.

"Booyaka!" she yelled in her familiar greeting. "Time to go!" She gave a small fist pump and pointed at the pair sitting on the sofa.

"Go where?"

"You need to check your emails more often, Cloud," insisted Irvine as he got up with a slight groan and patted Cloud's leg to encourage him to get up as well.

* * *

The turnout had been significant. The temples and pagoda at the center of the city were bustling with devotees and overflowing with wreaths and flowers. Everywhere one looked there were people paying their respects to those who had lost their lives over the past two decades due to the nation's conflict.

The temple complex was filled with a weird duality of somber mourning and a wild party. Incense filled and perfumed the air in grey plumes. Chanting and raucous clamor resonated through the vast open air complex. Bells were rung so that Da-chao would hear the prayers and a giant paper leviathan was paraded around and through the crowds.

Irvine, Selphie, Roxas and Cloud made their way through the crowds and escaped the din by ducking into a small wooden shrine down one of the narrower alleyways. As Irvine slid the wooden door shut behind them the ringing in Cloud's ears ceased and the noise level became far more tolerable.

This dimly lit shrine was only populated by his WRT members. Barret was kneeling next to the wooden altar at the center of the shrine looking deep in thought while the others sat a bit further behind him paying their respects.

The shrine was sparsely decorated with various deities engraved in the woodwork of the altar. Only a few flowers and incense holders stood between the neatly stacked rows of picture frames. Candles were lit around the place and a gentle open flame burned in a firepit off to the side.

"We come here every year to pay our respects to AVALANCHE members who lost their lives." whispered Selphie.

"Why would you do that? They caused so much trouble for the entire country," queried Roxas quietly. He was genuinely baffled.

"They were my friends," came Barret's gruff voice. "Jessie, n' Biggs, n' Wedge…" Barret gripped his gun arm with his good hand, trying to calm himself. "Figgs, Elliott, Sooruh, Trent, Liza…" Barret continued to rattle off names, one of which in particular caught Cloud's ear.

"Oswyn…" Cloud stiffly walked closer to the altar, examining the photographs. The frames were covered in soot but the pictures still looked in pristine condition, protected behind the glass and lovingly cared for by someone for years.

"All of 'em had lives and families. All of 'em fought for what they believed in. My gang and I knew it wasn't right what da big wiggs in AVALANCHE were planning. So we tried to stop 'em."

"We just wanted da best for our country, and our families."

Cloud found it, second row back. He reached out to pick up the frame so he could examine it closer with a trembling hand.

"Don't!" barked Barret sharply, freezing Cloud's hand in place.

Cloud's eyes turned hard and he closed the small distance between his hand and the picture frame.

"That's my _father_ ," Cloud said defensively as he took ownership over the picture and looked it over.

"Your Oswyn Strife's kids?" Barret asked incredulously before he softened a bit as Cloud gave a sharp nod.

Cloud heard Roxas walk over and take a peek at the photograph in wonderment. A young looking man with short hair and a military uniform stood smiling proudly. It's how Cloud always remembered his dad, with that smile on his face, all teeth and bright creases around his eyes.

"Wow Cloud, you really look a lot like dad," came Roxas' amazed voice.

It was true. Cloud had grown a lot into his father's features, he suddenly realized.

"Why is he here?" demanded Cloud in a low and increasingly angry tone of voice.

"He was my friend, even if he wasn't AVALANCHE," muttered the man, still intensely gazing at the altar.

"Barret, pleased tell us what happened." Roxas had taken charge of the photograph, putting it back in its rightful place and pulled at Cloud's arm to come sit him down.

Roxas was eager to finally learn something about their father. He was also acutely aware of his older brother's muscles tensing. Roxas knew that clenching jaw reflex to mean nothing but bad news.

"I always thought ya two reminded me of someone," said Barret thoughtfully.

"I was an early adopter of AVALANCHE's philosophy. What them Shinra scrum were doin' to us was wrong. I helped in raids, and sabotages. We blew stuff up." Barret laughed gently. "Jessie _loved_ buildin' bombs. It was in her blood. But what Dyne's AVALANCHE was doing and what my ideas had been for what we wanted to accomplish drifted further and further apart. Dyne was my best friend but he took it too far."

The fire licked the air, crackling softly. Incense curled and gently followed the air currents which invisibly danced all around them. The shrine felt heavy and lost in memory.

"My gang and me took it to our friends in da Midgar military. Ya pa was a good man. He understood what it was to do da right thing, and to care for people. He lead a sting to disarm da bombs at Wutai's power station. Dyne had gone fuckin' crazy, wantin' to blow up our own people's only source of power."

"Oswyn, after he was confident that all da bombs had been defused properly left to help Sephiroth who had been fightin' his way through to da missile base, to stop da launch. I don't know what happened to Oswyn exactly, but he died defending da people of Midgar, Wutai and da man he loved. He was a true hero, despite da news never covering that."

" _Loved_?" asked Cloud incredulously.

"Ya, he'd never say it, and people think I was crazy but I knew ya pa loved Sephiroth. Ya could tell in everythin' they did together."

A deathly cold chill went through Cloud's body and he felt the blood drain from his face. Whether it was the candles and fire pit consuming the oxygen, or a general inability of Cloud's lungs to filter the air around him he couldn't say. All he knew was that breathing was a struggle.

Roxas noticed Cloud's distress and rubbed his brothers arm the way he had seen Zack do a million times previously, hoping to lend some comfort to his brother. The touch did seem to bring Cloud back to the present moment and he was able to catch his breath.

Barret continued on with his tale, more of a quiet reflection on the past and his own struggles with guilt and grief. He had faced Dyne on the cliffs overlooking the power plant. They had fought and scuffled, airing their grievances and their feelings of betrayal by one another. While this had been happening Barret's group of AVALANCHE members came out of the power station but were mistaken for the terrorists and were gunned down.

Barret didn't find out until much later, being too busy fighting bitterly with Dyne, causing the other man to fall off the cliff, but Barret had caught him. Dyne had yelled and cursed demanding that Barret let go. Dyne had nothing to live for ever since his beautiful wife and daughter had been shot in cold blood. He couldn't go on living, especially if he couldn't eek out his revenge on Shinra.

In the end Dyne had pulled out his weapon and shot Barret in the arm, forcing the other man to let go in agony and watch his best friend fall to his death. The damage to his arm had been so extensive that he later needed to have it amputated, and the metal arm was a constant reminder of that day.

The fire inside the small shrine crackled lightly. The chanting and bells outside of their little sanctuary eventually faded into silence as night settled across Wutai. The occupants of the shrine gradually emptied. Irvine was the last to depart after attempts to communicate with Cloud and to cheer him up had fallen flat. Cloud was left to quietly gaze at his father's cheerful face, frozen forever in time and trapped behind glass.


	7. A Party

**Chapter 7**

 _A Party_

Summary:

 _Life in Wutai is too depressing. Selphie works her magic._

* * *

Selphie had sent everyone an email informing them to come to their team's HQ's by 7pm sharp. It had been two days since Barret had shared his story with Roxas and Cloud. A distinct dark and hazy gloom nestled on everyone's hearts, which didn't seem to lift no matter how much the Wutai wind was blowing.

There was a knock on Cloud's door.

He didn't respond.

He didn't care to go downstairs. The door opened irrespective of Cloud's wishes however and Roxas poked his head in.

They had begun sleeping in separate bedrooms some time after Wintersday. It had been an alien and strange move which Roxas had initiated. He had said he just wanted to ' _try it out for a little bit_ '.

At first they would always say goodnight to each other and close their respective doors across the hall, but Cloud would wake up to find Roxas in the spare bed which still stood in Cloud's room. Eventually the visitations had reduced though, and now Roxas seemed quite comfortable being away from his older brother on a more permanent basis.

Cloud had to bitterly admit to himself that yet again he needed Roxas in his life more than his little brother probably needed him. The nights had become even _more_ hollow since he had to sleep in his empty, lonely little room. Often times Cloud would lay awake and wonder if this is what his life was destined to be; empty and void. Hadn't he been happy once thinking that he would be better off alone?

Cloud couldn't remember if it had been an actual state he had once experienced or if it had always just been a wish he had. He sometimes wished he could be alone, but life seemed to have changed him and made him more reliant on others than ever before. Cloud hated that. He knew that at the very least.

Thinking like that sometimes made him feel like he was drowning in an invisible ocean of misery, which ultimately was of his own creation. He knew that too. He knew he ruminated too much. But he also couldn't stop himself. It was comforting to rehash old hurts. He had been used to doing it for so many years after all.

Learning about his father just served as another wave that crashed onto Cloud, dragging him further down and out into the murky depths. What had Barret meant by ' _loved_ '?

Cloud _knew_ Sephiroth had _loved_ his mom. More than anything. Barret had to be mistaken. Cloud had been rejected because he was growing more into his father's features. His heart hurt thinking about it. He agonized over not being able to come to a conclusion, or gain any understanding over the ramifications.

Just like being in the shrine, it was becoming harder and harder to breathe.

The beacons of light in his life seemed to drift further away from him. Roxas was becoming his own man, and Zack probably no longer cared about him as it had been such a long time since they had shared a single heartbeat together.

He didn't hold it against either of them. He knew life moved on and people changed. Cloud just wished he could change along with them, and not be left behind.

"Cloud, c'mon down. Selphie won't let you hear the end of it if you don't."

Cloud lifted himself with a grunt, acknowledging the truth in Roxas' words. Last time he avoided one of Selphie's celebrations he didn't hear the end of it for an entire month.

"Are you doing alright?" Roxas asked as his brother approached him.

Cloud smiled weakly at him and then quickly lowered his eyes to the floor. "You know the answer to that, Rox. You know me better than anyone." Cloud slowly brushed past his brother and made his way down the hall.

Roxas hurried along, stepping in front of Cloud to look at him, brows knitted with annoyance and worry. Cloud suddenly became acutely aware of Roxas' height. His little brother had experienced several growth spurts over the last year and was now almost level with Cloud. Yet another reminder of his little brother becoming a man.

"I think you should call Zack."

Cloud lay a hand on Roxas' shoulder and walked past him, brushing off Roxas' words.

"C'mon, Selphie will have our heads if we're not on time."

Cloud berated himself for his weakness. Even Roxas _knew_ that Cloud needed Zack in his life.

He was so pathetic.

* * *

"There you guys are! I was just about to send Yuffie up to ninjnap you if you didn't show." Selphie gloated at her brilliant combination of the word ' _ninja_ ' and ' _kidnap_ '.

"That will never become a word, Selphie, no matter how much you try to use it in sentences."

"Stop shattering her dreams, Irvine," chided Rinoa in amusement.

Everyone bar Cid, Yuffie and Barret were seated comfortably around the table in the center of the room.

"Where _is_ Yuffie anyway?" inquired Roxas.

As if summoned by some dark magic the hatch in the ceiling swung open and Yuffie's upper torso dangled out of it, face first.

"Here I am! The Great Ninja Yuffie, The Single White Rose of Wutai! I have come baring gifts and treasures." She disappeared again into the roof and in another moment was dangling a dusty crate out of the hatch. Squall got up and grabbed it, lowering it safely to the ground.

"You actually _found_ something for once?" came Roxas' incredulous voice followed by laughter as the ninja jumped down and playfully belted Roxas, which wasn't as easy as it once used to be.

"What's this?" Cloud didn't really care but thought he should _appear_ interested to avoid garnering any of Selphie's wrath.

"Alcohol," answered Squall, dusting off the crate and opening it with a crowbar he had on hand.

"We're going to play drinking games to cheer everyone up!" announced Selphie, jumping into the air to emphasize her excitement and triumph at having planned this out.

"I'll pass," said Cloud, and turning away to head back upstairs. Both his hands were grabbed however. One by Selphie and the other by Rinoa. They turned him around and lead him forcefully to a chair.

Roxas, who had finally managed to fend off Yuffie's swats came and sat down next to his brother, trying to be encouraging, "This might be fun. Just give it a go."

"Roxas is underage, and so are you two - I'm pretty sure." Cloud's eyes darted towards Yuffie and Selphie.

"The legal drinking age in Wutai is seventeen, and a little birdie told me that it was Roxas' birthday yesterday so," Selphie trailed off triumphantly, while still holding Cloud down but by his shoulders while Rinoa went to the bar to grab everyone some glasses.

"Was that little _birdie_ Roxas? Because his birthday isn't actually for another _two_ days." Cloud glared at his brother who only grinned broadly and waved it off.

"Why aren't Barret or Cid here? This seems like their sort of thing, not mine. Get them in here so I can get out," tried Cloud coolly as a last ditch effort to get his disapproval acknowledged and hopefully be allowed to escape.

"I sent them on a special mission so they didn't have to endure this."

"Wish you had sent me along with them, Squall." muttered Cloud.

* * *

Snacks opened and unopened had been piled high and scattered on the table. Card games had been played and bottles of alcohol had been consumed. The mess was beginning to litter the floor in untidy heaps.

Roxas and Yuffie had vehemently competed against each other to see who could drink the most shots in 10 seconds, while Cloud had looked on in disapproval. The victor had been Yuffie. She then spent several minutes goading Cloud until he relented and took her on, fighting for that ' _Strife pride_ ' as Roxas called it - his light weight drinking having left him completely intoxicated already and babbling nonsense.

Cloud had beaten Yuffie, but only _just_. The victory had raised Cloud's spirits somewhat and he felt himself relaxing more. Whether that was due to the actual victory or the alcohol he wasn't 100% certain.

While Cloud was busy taking on Squall next, Roxas quietly inquired if Yuffie had let Cloud win, to which she only grinned and winked in response.

Several other games were played, with snack intermissions, and many toilet breaks.

Eventually they began playing ' _Never Have I Ever_ ', where one person would say something they had never done and everyone who _had_ done that particular thing would have to drink.

It had started off pretty innocuous as the gang tested the waters.

"Never have I ever seen snow," declared Yuffie. Cloud, Roxas, Irvine, Squall and Rinoa all took sips.

"Never have I ever peed in the wilderness," affirmed Rinoa. Roxas, Cloud, Irvine and Squall all drank. Yuffie also drank, yet no one was surprised.

"Never have I ever run late for a meeting," stated Squall, forcing everyone to drink, while he gave them all a stern and knowing glare.

The statements and admissions kept coming one after the other.

"You guys are drinking almost every time. I can't believe you've done so much," stated Rinoa, somewhat impressed, looking at Roxas and Cloud after the tenth round.

"What I can't believe is that Roxas hasn't drunk himself under the table yet!" laughed Squall.

"I'm tougher than I look." Roxas tried and failed at pulling a tough face, causing an eruption of drunken laughter from the table. He was definitely quite plastered, but Cloud knew he was fake taking a sip on every second or so drink, otherwise there was no way his little brother could have handled all these rounds without having passed out at this stage.

Cloud was actually fairly shocked at just how much they _had_ done in their lives. Cloud had to top his cup up once already.

"Well I'll make it easy on you guys and give you an out," offered Selphie. "Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex." Squall, Irvine, Rinoa, Yuffie, Roxas and Cloud all raised their cups and took a swig.

"Whaaaaat?! Really? _All of you_?" cried Selphie, feeling dreadfully left out and inexperienced all of a sudden.

"You need to up the ante if you want to save Roxas from having a hangover in the morning." Yuffie got a sly smile on her face and thumped her free hand on the table, shaking some of the snacks loose, which were a part of the building materials of the confectionery pagoda they had constructed earlier in the evening.

"Never have I ever had _sex_ with someone of the same sex! HA! See _that's_ how you do it!" Yuffie felt triumphant, but only for a moment.

Squall raised his cup and took a swig, disregarding everyone's looks.

"What! When? Where? With whom?!" came Selphie's curious outcry. She stared wide eyes at Rinoa, as if asking ' _did you know about this?'_ But Rinoa only shrugged back in response.

All eyes turned on Squall, bar Cloud who was busy tightly clasping his drink, not daring to stare at anyone or anything other than his hand.

Squall just laughed in the back of his throat. "Just someone I met when I was a private," he dismissed with a wave.

Silence fell, but then Cloud heard a cup being lifted and set back down on the table next to him.

"Roxas!", came peoples exclamations and loud gasps.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut at that. He had feared that Roxas might have done something with Axel. He had feared that Axel might have screwed his little brother up. He had wanted to protect Roxas from stuff like that. He had failed once again.

Cloud looked up when he heard Roxas clear his throat pointedly. Roxas eyed Cloud and flicked his eyes down to the cup Cloud was clenching tightly in his hand. Cloud took a large gulp, downing the remaining contents of his drink, to the sound of more gasps of surprise.

"Cloud! You sly dawg! I'd never have imagined!" came Yuffie's incredulous voice.

Cloud cast his eyes down and smiled bitterly. He found it amusing that he was somehow able to shock people.

"I'm out. Goodnight." Cloud got up and busied himself tidying the place up a little before heading to bed. He failed to see the intensely lingering stare that Irvine gave him.


	8. Scavenger Hunt

**Chapter 8**

 _Scavenger Hunt_

Summary:

 _The girls take Roxas out for his birthday._

* * *

There came hot needy kisses trailing up his body. Each one felt like fire. Each one made him thrust upwards more fervently, longing for contact, longing for stimulation, but there was none. Just strange ephemeral kisses and a warmth that enveloped and touched absolutely every part of his body. The kisses continued and explored the muscles around his neck and then a hot mouth was on his own so suddenly that it took his breath away.

Their tongues danced together, kneading each others mouths. He bucked his hips again in desperation. That sexy mouth left his and he could finally see his assailant. Green eyes shone brightly at him, turned up into a smile. "Ah-ah-ah, Roxy. You've forgotten about me, so you don't get any of _this_." Finally there was some friction for his groin to relish.

"But Axel..." Roxas heard the words roll off his tongue as he slowly became aware of a stinging brightness and an empty room.

Roxas arose to the sun shining unapologetically through curtained windows. He groaned slightly rubbing his eyes. His pulse was racing and he could feel it strongly throbbing through his erection. He had been having a lot more sex dreams over the last year. Ever since Axel had come into his life, literally and figuratively.

Roxas chuckled and roused himself, shaking his head clear of the already fading dream. It's why he had made the move to sleep in his own room. He didn't feel comfortable dealing with his erections while he had to share such a close space with Cloud. The bathroom situation was less than ideal as well with them all sharing one and there being no lock. Besides, it was probably time to grow up a little more anyway, and learn to sleep by himself.

Roxas felt a lot better today than yesterday, which had been the day after Selphie's drinking party. He hadn't appreciated the after effects of alcohol. The relief of not having a pounding head on his special day was a huge relief. Today was his birthday after all, and he knew it was going to be an adventure, whether he wanted it to be one or not.

After the stunt he had pulled telling Selphie his birthday had already come and gone she had pouted at him. Yuffie, having also been upset, had decided to not pull her punches as she sent a barrage of rapid and successive quick hits his way. His side was slightly bruised, she had been that pissed. But then when they found out he had been lying about it they promised him a ' _superduperific_ ' day, as Selphie had put it.

Roxas was greeted to a feast for breakfast and an itinerary of what would be happening on this most special of days. The girls had planned a whirlwind scavenger hunt around Wutai Village. When Roxas asked if they would actually find some treasure Yuffie just clobbered him roughly, but he laughed nonetheless.

If he was honest with himself, Roxas had to acknowledge that he had been somewhat concerned about today. Well, actually he had been worried _a lot_ about today. So much so that he thought it to be the reason for his dream last night.

Usually his sex dreams no longer featured Axel, but contained the more fairer, albeit non gentler company he was surrounded by of late. He didn't spend much time at all dwelling on Axel anymore, with the exception of the last few days. He had feared that today would bring up some heartache for him.

Roxas felt like his time in Radiant Gardens had all been a dream. It had been intense while he was in it, but once removed it was easily forgotten against the gleam of his current happiness. That time felt so far away, and a lifetime ago now. He could hardly even remember the strong feelings he felt towards Axel back then. Not even the heartbreak he experienced when they had fled was anything more than a dull memory wrapped in fog.

That really bothered him.

When he really sat down to think about it he felt a little pang of guilt. He found it strange that this slight pang was the most intense feeling he could muster up when he thought about Axel these days. It stemmed from feeling bad for the man who had looked and waited for him for so many years.

Roxas thought he should feel more. Like he owed Axel more of his thoughts and emotions considering the pain he had caused the other man due to years of absence. But that train of thought never took deeper roots in Roxas' head or heart, especially when he had so many other things to distract himself with.

Selphie grabbed Roxas' hand suddenly, assuming that he had finished eating as he hadn't touched his plate for a solid two minutes.

"We're off! Be back before midnight!" she shouted with great delight in her voice and a backpack full of supplies strapped to her back.

* * *

They had spent the whole day hiking around the city and up into the surrounding countryside. Roxas followed the trail of breadcrumbs the girls had peppered around the place for him. He felt truly honored to have such caring friends and he thought that this was by far one of the best birthdays he had ever had.

The clues lead him to all his favorite places. The treasures he found there were collections of all kinds of different things Roxas liked - mostly relating to food. He thought he might throw up from all the cream cakes, but lucky for him the hiking built up a wonderful appetite.

When the day transitioned to night the three of them returned back into the city and began their tavern crawl, snaking their way through and stopping at any bar they could find. It was one of Wutai's ' _rites of passage_ '.

Roxas received a celebratory drink at each stopover and everyone at the various venues would cheer and drank to his health when they heard it was his birthday. He had been assured that the night wouldn't be well spent if he couldn't get to at least 17 bars and taverns, one for each year he had been alive.

By about 11 at night they had finally settled by the riverbank which hugged the north side of the city. They lay around laughing and gazing up at the sparkling night sky. Roxas was nowhere near as plastered as he had been a few nights ago. The girls had made sure of that because they wanted Roxas to still be able to enjoy himself and remember the day when he woke up the next morning.

"Do you think Da-chao put the stars up in the sky for us?" came Selphie's random question.

"He wouldn't put treasures in places we couldn't reach," Yuffie reassured her friend.

"But Cid seems to think we could reach them one day," stated Roxas.

"Cid drinks too much. You shouldn't take him seriously," chided Yuffie.

The three of them began arguing about how likely it was to actually travel to the stars, but it lead nowhere, as they were far too tipsy to think straight on the subject.

"So Roxas, you gonna tell us about your loss of innocence?" came Yuffie's abrupt change of topic once she realized that she couldn't win her argument.

"I don't kiss and tell."

"Ooooh! So there _was_ kissing!" Selphie laughed manically.

Roxas just smiled up at the sky.

"Were you in _loooove?"_ teased Yuffie, rolling over onto her stomach so she could eyeball Roxas better.

Roxas sobered up a little more and mellowed out a bit. Sadness lightly touched the outer edges of his heart. "Yes," was the somewhat quiet response.

Selphie and Yuffie looked at each other, exchanging almost telepathic thoughts.

"Do you miss him?" wondered Selphie, gently.

Roxas searched his internal world for any traces of the fire which Axel used to stoke within his heart.

"No. But I get sad that I don't miss him. Is that weird?"

"Can't say. I've never had a problem like that," mused Yuffie.

"You've never been in love?" asked Roxas, somewhat doubtfully.

Yuffie shook her head. "Love is for chumps. It's not for great ninja's like myself. Love only slows you down, and distracts you from hunting for treasure." She grinned broadly, flipping over once more onto her back to gaze back up at the sky.

"What about you, Selphie?"

Selphie was quiet for a while, garnering the attention of the other two.

"Well -," she started hesitantly.

Roxas and Yuffie instantly exchanged looks, jumped up and moved to lay down on either side of the girl so she had no way to get out of the conversation.

"Go away! I'm _not_ in love."

Selphie swatted at Yuffie's hand which was beginning to poke her reddening cheeks. The darkness of night was Selphie's only saving grace.

"Is it Irvine?" snapped Yuffie.

"N-no."

Roxas and Yuffie looked at each other sternly and in complete agreement.

In unison they sang, " _It's Irvine_ ," and then began to laugh as Selphie shrieked her denials in embarrassment.

Selphie listened to the teasing and light hearted taunting she received from the other two. They however stopped once they realized that Selphie wasn't actually amused.

"What's wrong?" asked Roxas with compassion.

After some more coaxing Selphie finally spat out, "He likes _Cloud_."

"No!" came the unified cries of the other two, followed by a, " _Really_?"

"He told me so." Selphie seemed somewhat grumpy.

"I totally thought he only likes girls," said Roxas in amazement.

"Me too," agreed Yuffie. "Can you even like both? I know I kissed a girl once, but that was on a challenge."

"Of course you can like both," stated Roxas matter-of-factly.

Yuffie seemed to think hard for a moment. "Do _you_ like both, Roxas?"

She grinned at him in a distinctly predatory manner, which reminded Roxas of Axel for a brief second, causing an uncomfortable feeling to stir in his body.

"Shush, Yuffie. We're here to support Selphie."

"Don't think you can weasel out of this one Roxas. I will have my answer one way or another," she declared before turning her attention back to Selphie.

"So?" the young Ninja prompted.

" _So_ nothing. He likes Cloud. It doesn't matter. It was only a stupid crush anyway. I don't need him in my life. I've actually been hanging out with this guy named Troy. He's been really interested in getting on my Parks projects."

Selphie giggled to herself causing a new line of interrogation to be thrown her way.

The night continued and ended in this fashion.


	9. Oblivious

**Chapter 9**

 _Oblivious_

Summary:

 _A quiet night in leads to a personal discussion between Cloud and Roxas._

* * *

Cloud got the distinct feeling that there was something wrong between himself and Irvine. Cloud tried to remember if Irvine had always stood so close to him during morning briefings. He wondered if they were usually paired up so much to go on collection and clean up runs.

Cloud definitely knew that Irvine never hung out this much at Cid's workshop however. That place had always been Cloud's sanctuary, but now Irvine came around, observing what Cloud did and asking him questions which Cloud was pretty sure didn't actually interest him in the slightest.

It was beginning to bother Cloud considerably. He asked Roxas about it as they sat on Cloud's bed one evening playing _Triple Triad_ whilst everyone was out on an overnight repair job.

"Sometimes you are really oblivious, Cloud," chuckled Roxas.

A frown was returned.

To be fair it had only become evident to Roxas after Selphie had told him that the man liked his brother. After that in retrospect all the conversations Irvine had previously engaged Roxas in regarding his brother seemed very one dimensional. Roxas actually felt pretty stupid that he hadn't seen it before, but he wanted to appear cleverer than his brother.

"Should I spell it out for you? He. Likes. _You_!" he pointed at Cloud but the frown only furrowed deeper.

"If you don't believe me you should ask him. But you should know that he's been asking me lots of things about you. It's like I'm everyone's go to guy when it comes to you," laughed Roxas.

"I don't want him to like me," said Cloud, followed up with a disgruntled and childish pout.

"Why not? He's nice. He cares a lot about others. He's pretty funny too."

 _Because he's not Zack._ Cloud glanced down sharply, not wanting to say it.

"You're too used to being miserable, Cloud. You miss Zack but you won't call him. I don't understand why you're torturing yourself like this. You used to be so happy with him."

"Do you ever think of calling Axel?" The deflect had been a dirty move, Cloud knew.

"The thought used to cross my mind, but not anymore. Not for a long time now, come to think of it," confessed Roxas. "I get so busy with life here that everything else from the past just gets pushed to the side. Don't get me wrong -," he glanced up from his cards to look at Cloud, "some days I want to go back. Some days I just really want to check up on everyone. I get really scared and worried. They don't deserve to be put in danger just because they know me. But - I never do anything about it. And that kills me. I feel bad that I don't care as much as I think I should." Roxas trailed off.

"Is that bad? Am I a terrible friend?"

Cloud leaned back on his bed, surveying Roxas sitting opposite of him; his legs crossed and brooding over his cards and how he was going to screw Cloud over on his next turn.

His brother had told Cloud about the threats that man had made against Roxas' friends. Cloud knew not to take the man lightly, and he knew how hard it had been on his brother.

Yet he also had felt really hurt on having heard that news.

Cloud had felt like a failure. He hadn't been able to protect his brother from the one thing he swore he would always shield him from. Cloud had even felt a flutter of offence for a moment that the man hadn't bothered to chase him down personally to deliver the threat. It had hurt that Roxas was being pursued and Cloud was left out in the cold. And once that thought settled in his mind it had sent waves of disgust through him.

Cloud tried to think of that conversation and those feelings as little as possible.

"If I understood anything about your friends, it's that they wanted the best for you. I would rather live another five lifetimes with him than have you be hurt by him. I think your friends would feel the same."

The thought of Cloud willingly sacrificing himself and taking abuse to protect him made Roxas angry, and it showed on his face.

"There you go again being stupid, Cloud. I want you to stop being a martyr. I wanted to stop everyone from protecting me all the time. I'm not a baby. I can make decisions for what's best for myself and other people too. I was going to protect everyone."

"Now who's being a martyr, huh."

Roxas growled and scrunched his nose up.

"It's not fun, Rox. It's not romantic or heroic. It doesn't make you feel good at the end of the day. It damages you, and eats away at your self worth; always questioning yourself and the choices you made. I don't think anyone in their right mind would choose that if they knew what it truly meant."

"But you chose. I know you chose to stay and protect me when you _knew_ what it meant. What's that make you? Crazy? Insane?"

"Yeah, both those things. I never wanted - I never wanted him to touch you. To change you. To break you. You are a good person. Life does enough to mess us up, without doubling up on people screwing with us too. I don't want you to become like me."

Now it was Roxas' turn to frown deeply at Cloud's remarks.

Roxas wanted to tell Cloud how he wasn't a screw up. How he looked up to Cloud and all the brave and grown up things he had done over the last three years. But Cloud never listened. He never took the compliments or admirations to heart, so Roxas sometimes didn't feel like he should bother anymore.

He just sat in silence, pouting lightly.

"I don't think he would hurt them," said Cloud, wanting to lift the mood a little. "Especially since they knew nothing about us leaving, or where we went. He's cruel and calculating. There was always purpose to what he did. Anger never caused him to be reckless. If he did ever do anything to your friends we would have heard about it. He would have made sure of that. Otherwise it would have been pointless, and he never did anything if there wasn't a point to it." A pained smile forced itself involuntarily onto Cloud's face.

He hated how well he knew that man.

"That's a big reason why we can't contact Zack or Axel. Just in case -," Cloud trailed off, wondering if he could really stretch this lie to make an excuse as to why he never dared to call Zack.

"Just in case it gives him some advantage. If he figures out where we are he would probably use your friends as leverage." To be fair Cloud wouldn't put it past the man, so perhaps it wasn't that much of a stretch of the imagination.

"Maybe," Roxas conceded with some hesitation.

"But I don't want to see you so down, Cloud. I want you to be happy. Mom and dad would have wanted that for the both of us. I think we owe that to ourselves. And I know Zack made you happy. You've changed so much since you met him. You actually smile at other people now. You can actually joke around. The weight of the world didn't seem to drag you down as much when Zack was there with you. It was nice to see that. That's why I keep bringing him up, Cloud. He was really good for you."

Cloud sat with those words for a while, looking at his awful hand of cards. Roxas was putting up a classic pincer move and Cloud had nothing to defend himself with to take back the lead.

"I feel -," Cloud breathed in deeply and looked at the ceiling, unable to say the next words while looking at someone else.

"I feel like a part of me is missing. Or -." Cloud shook his head. "No. I feel like I was never whole to begin with. Like the person I should have been got swallowed up somewhere in the darkness. Zack …" even just saying his name brought a breath of a smile to Cloud's face, "He's important to me. But - I don't even know why he is so important to me. I need to find out what it is about him that," Cloud cringed a little on the inside, "made everything feel better. I've only ever had you in my life, Rox. You have always been our family's sunshine. You were always my reason and purpose. But then Zack came into my life. I really don't understand any of it."

"I don't think I can be happy until I am whole. And right now all I know is that I can't be whole until -," Cloud squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead in an attempt to dislodge the growing headache.

"I need to reconcile with my past. But I can't. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to fix anything." Cloud opened his eyes and looked at Roxas. "I can't move on, not like I am right now. It's like I'm stuck in limbo. What do you do when you can't move forward because the past just won't let go?"

Cloud's eyes beseeched and seemed to beg Roxas for an answer.

Roxas sat silently. He had no solution for his brother. It was never more apparent to Roxas until this moment what extent of damage had been done to Cloud. Roxas' eyes welled up with tears at how lost his older brother, his shield from all the bad in the world, looked.

"Just do what's best for you, Cloud. If you can't be with Zack right now then I think you should give Irvine a chance. He seems to want the best for you too. You should let someone care for you for a little while. You know I'll always love you, but -" Roxas wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve, "you need someone who will love you in ways that Sephiroth never did."

Cloud's heart squeezed in pain. "I don't want to give anyone else a chance. I don't think I'm any good with people, Rox. I'd be better off just being alone. That way no one can hurt me."

"But when you are alone you just hurt yourself," observed Roxas. "I know for a fact that you are better with other people around, Cloud. You might not think that others like you but people do. Zack liked you. Irvine likes you. Everyone in the WRT likes you. And of course most importantly _I_ like you, and not just because you are my brother and I am mandated to like you." Roxas tried to inject some light into their grim discussion.

It was worth it for the huff of amusement escaping Cloud's lips.

"But you get so stuck in your own rut that you refuse to see it. This is an opportunity to try new things. How can you know what you like about Zack if he's the only person you've ever really been with? You should give others a chance. Living life is how we learn stuff. Isn't that what _you_ told _me_ a year ago?" Roxas quirked his eyebrow.

"You need to stop living in your head so much. We can both make our lives happier. I know we can fix things. After all it's never too late to fix things, Cloud. It took us how long to come here? And I'm glad we came. I can finally see why dad fought so hard for this country and its people. I can finally appreciate the effort he made, and understand that there are more important things in life sometimes than our own needs."

"So you forgive dad?"

"I understand some of what his reasons might have been. It's still not right what he put mom and us through though. So no. I don't forgive him." Roxas said with steely determination.

His eyes softened a bit after a moment's pause however. "But things are slowly getting fixed." Forgiveness was still a long way away but the resentment was losing its ferocity.

"So anyway, I think you should give Irvine a shot," continued Roxas with renewed energy, placing his trump card down, and inevitably ensuring his victory. "Maybe Irvine could be your new favorite person. But you will never know if you don't try. You'd never have known how happy Zack made you if you never gave him a chance. If you can't be with Zack right now I want you to try to make it work with someone else. You owe it to yourself to be happy, even just for a small moment here and there."

Cloud's defensiveness became instantly apparent in how his facial expression changed. Roxas wasn't going to let him get away with it however.

"And if you can't take that on-board for your own sake then I will guilt trip you, Cloud. I will tell you that you owe it to mom, dad and me to be happy. We will be very angry with you if you don't. I will go pray to Da-chao to send mom and dad's ghosts down to haunt you."

Despite the turmoil inside of Cloud's head he couldn't help but laugh. When had his brother become so forthright? For that matter since when had Cloud felt ok to talk so openly about things like this with Roxas? He couldn't say. It must be something in that Wutai air.

"I'll think on it, Roxas."


	10. A New Favorite Person

**Chapter 10**

 _A New Favorite Person_

Summary:

 _Cloud gives Irvine a chance._

* * *

Cloud had actually tried.

The talk he had with Roxas helped him to see how much the past was holding him back. He had decided to try and reclaim himself, and to find that missing part of himself. If Cloud was ever going to see Zack again then he needed to do this for himself.

So he had taken Roxas' advice on-board. Cloud wasn't letting go of Zack, but he was going to explore his other options in search of understanding why Zack had meant as much to him as he did.

He had been more receptive of Irvine's attempts to start conversations, and Cloud let himself appreciate the man's physique while they went on runs together. Cloud even tried to revel in Irvine's warmth as it radiated off that lean body whenever they stood arm to arm at briefings.

Cloud let himself discover whether or not there could be anything between them on his side; for he still wasn't 100% certain that Roxas had been correct in his assertions that Irvine had any interest in Cloud. After all Irvine _was_ friendly with everyone. He seemed to care a great deal about making sure everyone felt included, especially the ladies. He was suave and charismatic the way he chatted up anything with breasts.

Irvine always got them good deals when they went haggling for building materials, provided the seller was a woman. It's ultimately why Squall always sent Irvine. Cloud questioned how someone could be so falsely charismatic if Irvine wasn't attracted to women. It didn't make sense, so surely Irvine was a ladies man and there was nothing fake about him.

Cloud wondered about Irvine's sexual preference more and more though. Clearly it was very obvious, but then he would remember that Wintersday kiss, and uncertainty welled.

He would think about the way Irvine did glance at him.

At first Cloud had assumed he was imagining it. Sometimes he would even ponder whether Irvine was thinking the worst about him. Yet lately Cloud's feeling was that perhaps there was some truth to Roxas' tale.

He would catch Irvine's eyes on him if Cloud looked up from his activities suddenly. And the more Cloud looked at Irvine the more it seemed like Irvine looked back at him. The glances would last longer and small smiles would form on Irvine's lips.

But Cloud was terrible at initiating anything. He only promised himself to not run away if Irvine tried anything. That he would go with it as an experiment to see what would happen.

The nights were still lonely, but nowhere as bitter as before. Cloud began forcing his mind on analyzing Irvine's actions throughout the day when he noticed his thoughts wandering to Zack. It served as a form of entertainment, and some nights Cloud would actually get some good sleep. Yet other nights the heartache was too strong for anything to take his mind off it.

It was one of those nights that made Cloud find his way downstairs. It was either very late at night, or very early in the morning, depending on who you might ask. Cloud was making himself a Wutai hot spiced latte with nothing but the hallway light to illuminate his surrounding.

He enjoyed the peace and tranquility of the dead of night. He liked knowing that everyone was asleep, not demanding or expecting anything from him. It allowed Cloud some respite from expecting anything of himself as well. He felt he really needed that occasionally.

The door leading outside rattled open and in stepped a weary cowboy. Irvine seemed exhausted, muttering to himself as he closed the door and began walking towards his room, head drooped, and his ridiculous hat obscuring his vision.

Cloud hoped he would go unnoticed, but Da-chao was not smiling down on him tonight.

Cloud had become so distracted by Irvine's entrance that he had failed to notice how hot the mug he was holding had gotten. He dropped it with a clatter and an expletive.

Irvine's eyes were instantly drawn up towards the sound.

"Cloud! Everything alright?" was the surprised exclamation as Irvine rushed over to the bar counter.

"Yeah, everything's under control." Cloud picked up a cloth and wiped down the counter-top. Lucky for him the mug hadn't broken, but only caused maximum spillage of his drink.

"That's a relief." Irvine smiled cheerfully, and continued to stand there, as if expecting something more to be said, or as if wanting to say more.

Cloud let out an agreeable sound from the back of his throat while he continued to mop up after himself. He kept an eye on Irvine from his periphery but otherwise refused to acknowledge the other man.

"Well, goodnight Cloud. I'll see ya in the morning," came Irvine's disappointed voice after a few more moments of Cloud silently busying himself.

Was this a moment? Was this a chance he should be taking? Cloud groaned inwardly. Was Irvine waiting for him to make the first move? Didn't the man realize how inept Cloud was?

Cloud cleared his throat. "You want a drink?"

Irvine halted and actually looked grateful. "I'd love one. But - only if you're having one. I don't want to cause you any trouble."

Cloud assured him it was no hassle as he had to make himself a new one anyway and once again busied himself heating and mixing the ingredients. Irvine sat on the other side of the bar and just watched Cloud deftly working away.

"You're really good at that," observed Irvine as he watched Cloud expertly pour their drinks.

"Used to work in a cafe for a short while." Cloud passed the now complete and steaming latte over to Irvine before grabbing his own.

"You never cease to surprise me, Cloud." Irvine chuckled, and took a sip of the beverage. The slightly older man gave a sound of contentment and approval as he indulged in his drink.

Cloud hid his self satisfied smile behind the lip of his own mug, which he was nursing gently. They both stayed silent for a while.

A ticking clock and the hum of insects was the only sound intruding on the nights peace.

"Why-" Both men had started their questions simultaneously. Irvine laughed gently and Cloud just squeezed out a weak apologetic looking half smile.

"You go first," insisted Irvine.

"Why have you been coming home so late all this week?"

"Oh - you noticed?"

Cloud was acutely aware of the pleasant inflection in Irvine's voice.

He gave Irvine a small nod.

"Have I been waking you? I've been trying to be as quiet as possible. I'll make more of an effort next time."

"No, I was awake anyway," shrugged Cloud.

Irvine looked surprised and simultaneously worried at Cloud's statement but didn't linger too long on what that even meant. "I've been running a special surveillance mission for Squall. The man's a slave driver. I'm locked up in a tower all night with nothing but my gun and a night scope for company. Having a drink like this would help." Irvine took another indulgent sip to make his point.

"You're a sharp-shooter, right? Started pretty young, or something." Cloud tried to remember and piece together what little bits of information he had heard in passing. He wished he had paid more attention, yet Irvine seemed to brighten at Cloud having acknowledged even those basic points about him.

"That's right. I was orphaned pretty early on in my life. I don't even remember my folks. Galbadia took me on and trained me. I'm very good at my job. I've had a lot of practice." Irvine looked over the rim of his mug while taking a long swallow, trying to decipher Cloud's thoughts about what Irvine had just told him.

Cloud's brow furrowed. That certainly was one way to phrase ' _I have killed a lot of people_ '.

The frown wouldn't leave Cloud's face, and Irvine became concerned.

"Why are you looking like that at me?"

It was a bit more defensive than what Irvine probably would have liked it to be, but Cloud didn't take offense.

"That image," Cloud took another long sip from his drink, trying to order his thoughts. "It doesn't really feel like it fits with who you are," said Cloud slowly and deliberately.

Irvine certainly didn't expect that response, judging by the man's expression.

"Most people think that to be a sniper you must be sick in the head. Enjoy killing people. Enjoy seeing it so up close. That it's a very aloof and impersonal way of ending someone's life. But, the truth is being a sniper is one of the most personal ways to take someone out. It is a lot about observing and knowing your target intimately. It becomes about reading them like a book, so you know just the right moment to strike. And when that moment comes, everything becomes silent. Everything fades away, and it is just you and your target. Nothing else matters in the world. You feel every part of your body, tingling, and come alive. Every sense is heightened as you become in tune with your own rhythms. Every breath you take synchronizes with theirs."

"It's a moment of beauty."

"And then you let the bullet fly. A moment of explosive action. The crescendo to an intricate and intimate dance - and then it all fades back into silence. And the person you had such a close connection with is gone, forever. It breaks my heart every time," finished Irvine in a whisper.

"It's very personal, and silent, and intimate. But it's also the loneliest thing in the world." Irvine's voice dropped an octave. "It's something that can't be shared, no matter how close you feel to that person you are watching. When you extinguish another person's light, especially when you felt so close to them - it's like you are actively sabotaging yourself to always be stranded out at sea."

Cloud could somehow relate to what Irvine was telling him. He knew what it was like to sabotage oneself, after all.

"But it's also why I relish my friends so much. When I come back from one of my missions I can feel the light and warmth all around." Irvine smiled weakly, still lost in his previous thoughts.

"Why do you keep doing it? Why not just quit? It sounds like hell." It felt like a miserable way to live, thought Cloud. He had experienced his share of loneliness in life and couldn't imagine having to expose himself repeatedly to the idea of being intimate with someone and then ending it. To be rinsed and repeated, over and over again.

"When you get so much sense of worth from doing something you were born to do, how do you quit? This is who I am. My defining feature." Irvine chuckled ruefully. "To stop would be to lose myself. I just have to fight against the isolation. So thanks for keeping me company, Cloud. It's always coming home that's the hardest part." Irvine took another sip of his beverage and set the empty mug back down, sighing contently.

Cloud had to grudgingly admit that he had actually enjoyed Irvine's company. It was nice to not be left with his own thoughts. So when Irvine made a move to get up and head to bed the words quietly just tumbled out of Cloud's mouth, "You want some more?"

Irvine accepted gratefully

They continued the conversation into the night.

Cloud got the distinct feeling that this was Irvine's way of dealing with coming down and disconnecting from his job. Irvine told Cloud about some past missions, which didn't involve killing people, but instead consisted of blowing out military grade car tires, or infiltrating bases.

It felt like Irvine was desperately trying to downplay the horrific side of his job. Make it look like it wasn't always about killing. Make the impression Cloud was building of Irvine seem better. Cloud wondered how many people rejected Irvine on discovering what he did for a living. A twinge of sadness and sympathy ran through Cloud's body at that thought.

Irvine told Cloud how he loved nothing better than to be among a throng of people when he was younger. "Some people would take showers but I would go and hit a nightclub. All the pushing, and rubbing up against other warm bodies. All that loud music and shouting over the music to be heard. All that life and living. That was always my preferred way of dealing with the fallout of being in my line of duty."

"Does that still work now? This isn't exactly the rowdiest of places at this time of night." Cloud looked around the dark room and noticed that it was becoming increasingly lighter through the windows.

Irvine laughed. "In my _old age_ I've come to realize a few things. It dawned on me that I was lonelier at the clubs than I ever felt out in the field. I am at my happiest when I'm among friends."

Cloud understood that sentiment. "If you asked Roxas he'd tell you to go be with your special someone, so I will tell you the same. Go find yourself a nice _girl_ and settle down." Cloud still wasn't sure what Irvine's sexual preference was.

He hoped to find out.

This was the longest Cloud could ever remember having willingly spoken with the man. Irvine seemed alright to him. He could possibly make this work.

"Does that really work? I've never found anyone who could look beyond my job description. But then again, I've only really been looking at girls," Irvine's eyes drifted uncomfortably, seemingly not knowing where to look. He then almost shyly decided to set his eyes on Cloud before finishing his sentence. "up until now."

Butterflies gently fluttered in Cloud's stomach and he could feel a slightly stronger pulse make its way through his veins.

Cloud lowered his eyes, "It can work."

Silence drifted between the two men. The ticking of the clock continued, but the humming of the insects was beginning to be replaced by the distinct and shrill chirping of Wutai's native birds.

"Can I ask you something, Cloud?"

Cloud felt terrified but nodded his head anyway, returning his eyes to Irvine who looked away with embarrassment.

"Have you ever been with a woman?"

"No."

"So you're -" Irvine's words came out stilted.

"Completely gay?" finished Cloud for him. "Yeah, I am."

"How did you know you were gay?" asked Irvine. It was such a genuine and curious question. One which Cloud never thought about. He just shrugged his shoulders, and looked down at his drink, swirling the liquid inside his mug with one hand.

"I just always knew." Actually that had been a lie. He only really assumed he was gay once his feelings and desires for Sephiroth had awoken.

Cloud shuddered at the thought.

After that he had never really looked at another human being in a sexual way, until Zack came into his life. Cloud's heart suddenly flooded with a mixture of pain and joy thinking about that man. He sighed with sorrow and returned his focus to the man who sat on the other side of the bar from him.

"Have _you_ ever been with a man?" Cloud asked gently, wanting to get an answer once and for all. He knew Irvine's responses from the drinking games Selphie had inflicted upon him, but for all he knew people could have been lying.

Irvine shook his head though.

"So you're pretty straight then."

"Well - I don't really know." came Irvine's labored response. He seemed to be really struggling with this part of the conversation. "I never thought of men in that way. I had a drunken pash with another guy once, as a dare. It didn't really do anything for me though. Not like when I kiss a girl."

Cloud felt a little bit disappointed, but also eager to tell Roxas that he had been wrong.

"But then I kissed you." Irvine bit his lip in nervousness.

Cloud's head snapped back up to see Irvine give an uncertain smile. There was something thrilling about the way Irvine looked at him. There was something endearing about the fragility that Irvine presented within himself.

"It's so stupid. Ever since Selphie and Yuffie spoke about putting you in a dress I couldn't shake that image."

"You only like me because I look girly?" Cloud felt insulted over that remark.

"N-no," Irvine tried to deflect. Panic tracing his face. "That's - It's not like that. Most men are gruff. Just imagine having to see Cid naked."

Both men shuddered.

"I'm not sure if I like guys, but if I were to find out I'd love for it to be with you."

Irvine had redeemed himself.

Cloud felt his cheeks redden and was certain that in this growing light it would be evident now. The invitation had come. Cloud had promised himself he wouldn't run away if this happened. Sometimes he truly cursed himself for not being able to break promises.

Cloud abandoned his now cold and empty mug and walked around the bar to where Irvine was sitting. Irvine's eyes followed Cloud's movements with his sharp-shooters precision and training.

Cloud stopped in front of the other man. He looked down and Irvine looked up in anticipation and dread.

The fact that Irvine was putting himself out there - taking a risk - greatly encouraged Cloud to try and take a risk of his own. He felt like he owed it to himself to find out if what he had with Zack could be in any way replicated with someone else. Roxas had been somewhat right. Cloud owed it to himself to explore. Irvine seemed a safe choice.

"Ok."

The voice had been so quiet that Irvine had only just barely heard it. He raised himself slowly and smiled at Cloud nervously.

They were so close.

Almost nose to nose.

Cloud felt Irvine's warm and quick breaths blow against his lips. Cloud was no stranger to kissing men but he felt as nervous as if it were his first time.

Being this close to Irvine let Cloud appreciate the other man's height and blue eyes. He naturally thought of Zack. Cloud missed him so much. He hoped Irvine would be a good substitute. Cloud tilted his head up slightly and leaned in closer to the other man. His eyes fluttered shut as their lips touched.

It was a chaste kiss to test the waters, but Irvine's lips didn't return after that first initial peck.

Cloud opened his eyes to see Irvine looking at him. That fragile uncertainty once again washed over that man's face.

"Is that how you would kiss a woman you had the hots for?" challenged Cloud, feeling brave.

Irvine's eyes turned up in a smile and within a second he had his arms around Cloud, drawing him against his body.

Cloud's eyes widened at the sudden change of energy within the other man. Irvine thrust his lips against Cloud's once more and they began kissing in earnest. Lips mashed, tongues flicked and teeth nipped. Cloud wrapped his hands into Irvine's coat, pulling him closer as he could feel Irvine's hand snake its way into Cloud's hair.

Their kissing grew more heated the longer it continued. Cloud hadn't felt such intensity and passion in far too long. He was enjoying himself, despite this not being the man that his heart loved and longer for.

He could feel a distinct hardness pushing against himself.

Cloud was filled with a sense of satisfaction over inducing this response in the other man. They disengaged their kiss and Cloud pulled away quirking an eyebrow at Irvine who was breathing heavily and licking his lips.

"Was that better?" asked Irvine searching for approval.

Cloud hummed in satisfaction and nodded.

From somewhere above them the sound of people waking up and going about their business could be heard. Selphie would be down shortly, bustling full of energy.

Somehow Cloud felt guilty all of a sudden.

He always suspected Selphie had some affections for Irvine as they would always be seen together. Cloud felt like he had somehow interloped without ever meaning to and yet at the same time he also didn't care. If those two had anything going they should have acted upon it long before Cloud came into their lives.

Cloud gathered up their mugs and went back around to wash and clean up his mess.

"Do you know yet if you like guys?"

Irvine shook his head and grabbed his discarded hat to place it back on his head and hide his reddened cheeks. "It will take more experimenting. If you're up for it."

So suave.

Cloud hummed his approval and gave a slight nod. He was up for the kissing. Definitely the kissing, and the being physically close to someone else. Anything beyond that however? Cloud hoped Irvine wouldn't want to explore those parts any time soon.

"If you ever can't sleep, or you're coming home late from a mission, just come and knock. Chances are I'll be awake." Cloud said coolly.


	11. An Agreement

**Chapter 11**

 _An Agreement_

Summary:

 _Cloud and Irvine get acquainted with each other._

* * *

Irvine had been polite enough to wait a few nights before the knock came on Cloud's door. A part of Cloud was relieved. It was nice to feel wanted. It was nice to know that he wouldn't have to be alone for the next several minutes or hours, depending on what happened between the two of them. Cloud was also however terrified as he got up to open the door.

The last few days he did have second thoughts. It would be much easier to hide from the world, but if he ever wanted even a faintest glimmer of hope in moving on he would have to change something eventually. He had ' _um_ 'ed and ' _ah_ 'ed, debating what he wanted from this _thing_ with Irvine. Was it to replace Zack? Was it to serve as a distraction? He leaned more towards the latter.

Despite all those thoughts Cloud still hadn't actually been certain of how he would react until this very moment. The relief over hearing the knock had outweighed the trepidation however, which was why he now found himself pulling the door open quietly.

Irvine was on the other side, looking anxious. As Cloud bade him entry Irvine's shoulders relaxed and the smile he bore was less forced.

"Hi."

"Hey," responded Cloud casually.

Cloud found the shift of power unnatural. He had been the one who had always been uncertain of himself; too new, too naive, too damaged. Now he was the one who had the experience and Irvine was in his hands. It was a responsibility which Cloud would take seriously. He wasn't going to damage Irvine like he had been damaged. He would be kind, gentle, caring, attentive, like Zack had been.

This was his resolve.

Cloud shut the door behind them and closed the distance in a few steps. He pressed a bold kiss to Irvine's lips, hoping to relax the other man. It did the trick. Hands wrapped around Cloud's neck and waist and Cloud opened his mouth, wanting Irvine's tongue to push in sooner rather than later.

Irvine obliged.

They stood for several minutes, hungrily devouring each other. Cloud tried to control the pacing, keeping firm arms and hands planted on Irvine's upper back, making sure the other man wasn't able to move anywhere. Cloud kept hands from roaming and hips from grinding. He focused on their kisses; hot and needy. Tongues rolled and sucked, and breathing became labored. They pulled apart, lips slightly puckered and bruised from the nipping, trying to catch their breath.

"I should go."

"Goodnight," agreed Cloud.

Irvine gave a quick smile and planted a soft kiss on Cloud's cheek before he let himself out of the room.

That last kiss had been the one which stirred his heart to life.

* * *

They never spoke about what they were doing. Outside of the bedroom Cloud maintained his aloofness towards the other man and Irvine seemed to respect the distance between them. Cloud hated how comfortable he was becoming with Irvine, but simultaneously he truly appreciated the casualness of their affair and how helpful it was in distracting Cloud when he most needed it.

Cloud slept better ever since he and Irvine had entered into their nightly make-out session routine. At first they hadn't been frequent or long. Irvine would come around every once in a while; usually on nights when he had been out on more unsavory missions.

The kissing would be slower on those nights. Irvine would really take his time, placing small, gentle kisses and eventually turning them into deep and longing embraces. He would suck harder on Cloud's tongue, and run his own along the roof of Cloud's mouth, making the other man shiver pleasantly. Irvine would lazily stroke Cloud's hot cheeks until Cloud inevitably became uncomfortable and thus would start distracting the man by running his own hands firmly along Irvine's shoulders and chest in a bid to break the strange intimacy between them.

In this way they spent longer minutes with each other which eventually stretched into half and then full hours. They began using Cloud's bed because standing for that long wasn't feasible.

Cloud felt uncertain about how far they would go with one another. Kissing was one thing, whereas sex had always been an entirely different thing, for Cloud at least. Sex was always the most intimate and personal thing he felt you could ever do with someone else. Whether that was because he never had a casual fling he couldn't say.

So Cloud had once verbally expressed the rules of their make-out sessions; they would only engage in kissing, which Irvine had agreed with when they had first taken this to the bed. Cloud would always seat himself on top of Irvine so he could control and manage what was happening.

It had been effective and gone to Cloud's plan for several weeks. But inevitably Cloud could see that Irvine was pushing his boundaries. Evidently he was getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being with another man the longer they kept doing this, and thus was engaging in friskier behavior. Kisses would trail all over Cloud's neck and collarbone. Hands began roaming, which Cloud couldn't contain, on account of it feeling so nice to be touched and wanted.

One fateful night things changed. They were pressed against one another, Cloud still on top, and both men were softly moaning into each others mouths. Irvine had been firmly groping Cloud's buttock, pushing and grinding his erection into Cloud's pelvis.

Nothing unusual there.

At some point Irvine's hand started drifting up and worked its way under Cloud's shirt. Cool hands touched the sensitive skin of Cloud's side and he instantaneously pulled away. Cloud, removing Irvine's hand, tucked his shirt back in and completely shifted himself away from the other man.

Irvine was left in shock.

One moment they had been hot and firmly tucked against one another and the next there was a gaping and freezing rift between them.

"Everything ok, Cloud?" Irvine asked huskily while propping himself up on his elbows.

Irvine's motion had sent panic through Cloud's body as memories flooded him. It had always been small delicate touches like that which had ended in the most pain. Cloud's back had begun to seer. He wanted to strip off. He wanted the fabric off so he could cool his back.

"Yeah," breathed Cloud, lying through his teeth. "I've got a big day tomorrow, so..."

Cloud had gone to the door and indicated that he wanted Irvine to leave. Once Irvine understood that he was no longer welcome it was hard to miss the hurt expression which settled on his face.

They said their goodnights and Irvine planted a soft kiss on Cloud's lips, netting him no response.

* * *

Cloud spent the next day completely distracted while working at Cid's workshop. He spilled all kinds of motor oils and lubricants. He would misplace spanners, rivets and bolts and generally be spaced out. Cid had told him to go home and clear his head. He didn't want ' _a stupid kid messin' up my shop_ '.

Cloud took his bike but drove towards the center of town, instead of away and towards where his home was. Cloud felt he needed solitude and a place to think. So he found himself in the little shrine for AVALANCHE members. He lit incense, and stoked the fire. He wiped down all the picture frames, making sure to leave his father's till the last, which he removed and placed in front of him while he sat absorbed in his thoughts.

He thought about last night. He thought about all the progress he had been making. He had been so madly and deeply in love with Zack, and now he was actually managing to have a causal relationship with Irvine. Things had been going well. Cloud had felt more and more confident about his eventual return to the one he loved - but then it had all fallen apart when fear and panic gripped him, reminding him of all his past mistakes.

His eyes fell on the photograph of his father. That stupid grin eternally plastered on his face. Cloud felt like it was mocking him at this very moment.

Maybe that's why he had come here. Cloud knew his father's body had been cremated and his remains lay elsewhere. He had been to that place once after all; A national monument to the west of here - Austere - Sterile - Cold.

His father's remains had been stored there, but Cloud felt like his father's soul resided here, where it was quiet, intimate, warm and full of care and love.

This little shrine is where he felt closest to the man who had been one half of his whole world growing up.

"What would you think of me dad, if you saw me now? I'm messed up because you screwed up and let someone who was your friend fuck me." Cloud felt the bitterness flow through him, and directed it all in an intense stare at his father's picture.

He knew his father wasn't there. He knew his father would never be able to hear him, but it still felt huge to finally be able to say those words out loud to the man he felt had some responsibility for what happened. There was relief and a release to acknowledge it, and hear it reverberate around the wooden structure.

"And now in turn I'm screwing someone really nice over because of what happened to me." Cloud could feel the sting of tears as they began to gather in the corner of his eyes. "I just really wish I could talk to you, dad. I want some answers. I want you to justify your actions."

He missed his dad. He missed his mom. He missed how life had been before everything had crumbled all around. He resented having had to grow up too fast.

At this very moment Cloud wanted Zack's soothing arms around him. To hold and rock him like he had done previously. He didn't see how he could ever bare his soul to anyone like he had done with Zack, ever again. It had been so incredibly painful that night in their small shared bedroom. Cloud had never wanted to show himself to anyone as desperately as he had wanted for Zack to see him.

He didn't want to be happy. He didn't want to push it all aside and forget. If he moved on he thought he would only be losing more of who he was.

Right now everything he was doing with Irvine felt futile. Distracting himself - trying to get over Zack - whatever it is he was attempting to do was useless. He would never get over the man who had so fully and completely accepted him. He would never find a replacement.

And he never wanted to have to go through that experience again. Cloud was happy to just have one person know about his past. To know the truth. One person loving him was enough.

But the nagging thought quietly forced its way into the forefront of his mind that there were actually _two_ who knew about his scars. He didn't want to be tied to Sephiroth any longer. It was a suffocating feeling and irked every fiber of his being.

* * *

Cloud eventually returned to the world of the living, as he shut out the dead and gone behind himself in their entombed shrine. Yet he wasn't ready to return home. Cloud's aim was instead to complete his own personal mission.

He had once consciously sought out the area where Zack had lost Angeal. The city was so big and vast, it had been like searching for a needle in a haystack. He had spent many hours wandering the streets in the past, but never to any avail. He wanted to give it another try however. Feeling close to Zack was still something he craved and felt he needed right now.

Cloud wandered aimlessly, observing the life all around him. Godo Kisaragi, who was the King of Wutai, and also Yuffie's father, (much to Cloud and Roxas' shock at the discovery), was responsible for the safety that everyone felt. He was the reason why people no longer needed to fear for their lives and he had achieved a great deal in just five years of being put back in charge of the country.

Godo had acquiesced to the sanctions which had been placed on Wutai and focused the nation's attention and efforts on demilitarizing the country instead. All manufacturing of weapons, aircrafts and ships had been abolished, which was something Cid felt very strong discontent over, to put it politely. Godo's dream for the nation was to become a major hub for tourism, which was something Yuffie vehemently opposed, and which was the main reason why she hardly ever went home.

Cloud was brought out of his ruminations as he had eventually and quite by accident found the area he had been after. A small plaque on the side of a coffee shop had Angeal's name engraved, to serve as a memory of how many of Wutai's citizens he had saved. Cloud took note of the date, committing it to memory. He wanted to remember everything which was important to Zack, and make it be important to himself as well.

Cloud surveyed the bustling city street where not so long ago terrible things had happened. The scars of war were all around but Cloud still had a hard time imagining what it must have been like. The city was in disrepair. Walls still held the holes where bullets and explosions had rained down. The juxtaposition between a quiet and simple life against the ruins of war were astounding.

His heart stirred and he felt his eyes well with tears. Cloud hated showing his weakness, especially in public, but he couldn't stop himself this time. He found it ridiculous to be having such a reaction over something he hadn't even been there to witness.

People doing their shopping around here probably _had_ lived through it. They probably lived just around the corner and they were still getting on with the business of living. In all honestly it had been a very powerful reminder to Cloud that bad things happen to a lot of people, not just him. And that he really needed to put things behind him and move forward. Life was all around and it just kept living. It always found the strength and conviction to thrive.

There was something potently intoxicating about being among other damaged people but feeling their strength as individuals and as a nation coursing through every day life. Cloud felt like this knowledge nourished him in ways that no one, not Irvine, Roxas or even Zack could do for him.

Cloud felt a little bit stupid, but he returned to the shrine that evening, after he had finished wandering the streets. He had knelt, lit more incense, and thanked Da-chao and his father. A part of him felt like finding what he was looking for was somehow in response to the anger and bitterness he had directed at his father earlier that day.

It soothed his soul somewhat to imagine that perhaps his father was still looking out for him in some small way; That his love could somehow transcend whatever plains of existence there might be.

Cloud felt ready to return home. He still wasn't sure how to deal with Irvine but right now it didn't matter, not in the grand scheme of life.

* * *

Both men kept their distance from each other for a while. Cloud did what he did every day. He kept busy and focused his attention on whatever work was taking up his time. But when he had down time he would ruminate.

Late one evening he lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Cloud debated with himself whether or not he would ever be able to - or want to - tell Irvine all of his past disgraces. He thought about how everyone in the world seemed to be able to move on from their past, but Cloud was firmly rooted in place, never able to change.

He didn't want that for himself.

He wanted to be able to brush off his past without a care in the world. If he could stop the sickening feelings and tears that seemed to flood him every time he was in danger of being exposed, he would be able to move on and put his past to bed.

If he could get himself to open up to others it would make everything better. That's how life worked. Wasn't it? If he could just get stronger and build his mental fortitude - If he could get himself to a space where he didn't fear to be touched or looked at - If he could just strip off and share himself with Irvine everything would be fixed and he could scamper off home to be with Zack.

But then the thought of having anyone look at him, and truly see him for who and what he was left him with a deep shame, which was too painful to face. The thought of letting Irvine in was too uncomfortable to bare. Any courage he might have been able to muster up was snuffed out as soon as he actually gave it more than just a fleeting thought.

Cloud's mind wandered to the pain he had felt that night with Zack.

Zack had been someone he somehow had completely trusted. He had been someone Cloud wanted to share his life with. Zack was one of the best people he knew, and it had been a herculean effort to bring himself to that point where he had been able to open himself up. He couldn't fathom doing that again. Not ever. Especially not with someone he didn't care for and didn't want to truly be with.

Irvine was a nice distraction. That is all it ever had been and would be if they ever got back to their routine.

If they _did_ get back into a routine surely the man would see him sooner rather than later, though. That thought terrified Cloud the most. It's what made him keep the man away from himself. If they kept making out the way they had in the past it would lead to other things. The idea that Cloud didn't want to share himself like that with anyone ever again, if he could help it, seemed to grow more solid. There would have to be a safer way out of this situation. Cloud wondered about how much control he could exert over the other man if they did ever patch things up between them.

A gentle knock came at the door.

Cloud froze in his bed, afraid to even breath. Maybe it was Roxas at the door? No, Roxas always knocked but then barged in regardless. The two had never been great with personal space where both of them were concerned.

Cloud considered his options.

He knew things needed to change. He knew if he did nothing he would be stuck in Wutai forever. Irvine seemed like the only option in a way. ' _Distract yourself, Cloud. Learn to not care,_ ' he told himself like a mantra. Breathing in deeply he tried to feel courageous. He needed to be brave if he was ever going to get out of this mess.

Cloud sat up and softly called out, "Come in."

As expected Irvine stepped through. His hair was uncharacteristically undone, presumably from having had a shower, and he wore nothing but slacks, which was understandable given the summer humidity. Irvine shut the door behind him and came to stand in front of Cloud, who patted the bed to invite the man to sit down, more out of politeness rather than actual care.

Yet Irvine didn't sit.

He stood in front of Cloud for a while, seemingly debating with himself. This gave Cloud a good chance to casually trail his eyes across Irvine's physique. He was lean and slim like Cloud was, yet his muscles were more developed from having to do military grade training from time to time. Cloud really didn't find Irvine unpleasant to look at - not at all.

It was easier to look at Irvine than let himself worry about what the man came in here to discuss. That quality was definitely a positive and cemented something inside himself. He really just wanted things to go back to how they had been.

"Did I do something wrong?" Irvine eventually asked softly.

Cloud pulled his attention away from defined abs and pecs. He peeled his eyes off smooth and unblemished skin and turned his attention to Irvine's eyes. "No. I'm just messed up, Irvine. It's got nothing to do with you."

"Then tell me how I can help." Irvine's eyes and voice were brimming with concern. He sat down after all, and turned towards Cloud.

' _You can't'_ was the immediate internal response Cloud had. He also internalized the way Roxas would be yelling at him right now if Cloud had actually said that.

A smile ghosted and graced the corners of his mouth, which Irvine completely missed.

"Let's just go back to making out. I really enjoyed that, and I know you did too. Don't over-think things, don't make things complicated. Don't - go exploring where I don't want you to go." Cloud stuck his hand out to shake on it. "Deal?"

Irvine looked at Cloud, his brows knitted together in thought while chewing on his bottom lip. Cloud's eyes fell on Irvine's lips hungrily, which Irvine took notice of. He seemed to be able to make up his mind moments later.

"Deal." was the response, but instead of shaking hands Irvine reached over, wrapping his hand behind Cloud's neck and pulled him closer for a kiss.

They both fell back into familiar habits.


	12. Broken Contract

**Chapter 12**

 _Broken Contract_

Summary:

 _They wanted two very different things out of the arrangement._

* * *

The hot summer days continued on, as did the late night make out sessions.

Cloud had taken to pinning Irvine's arms behind the man's head to keep wandering hands at bay. Irvine seemed to derive greater pleasure from this activity so they stuck to that arrangement. Cloud tried to resist but wasn't able to stop himself licking and nipping at Irvine's bare chest. It always resulted in Irvine bucking his hips and sniggering slightly. Cloud was convinced that Irvine came in shirtless more often than not, on purpose. But Cloud couldn't bring himself to tell the other man off for it.

Irvine's wandering hands had stopped and the two men began sleeping together, in the sense that they would actually fall asleep, together, clinging and spooning each other. Cloud had been extremely wary of this, so insisted on always being the big spoon, despite Irvine being the taller of the two of them. It made the nights unbelievably comfortable for Cloud; to have someone's heart beating next to his own kept the chill out of his soul.

Irvine at some point began to shine brightly in Cloud's mind. He was a safe harbor to get Cloud through this storm.

* * *

Some days Irvine would bring Cloud lunch at Cid's workshop and they would chat about the latest WRT projects. Irvine seemed to keep things very casual between them, and Cloud appreciated that. Cloud always reminded himself though that this was just an interim situation. This was nothing serious. It was just a distraction and for the most part Cloud was able to keep his heart at bay.

But Irvine seemed to be falling. It was never more apparent to Cloud as when his birthday rolled around.

Cloud hadn't told anyone, so he cursed Roxas in his mind when Irvine began the day by making a big fuss over Cloud's every comfort.

It started with breakfast in bed.

"What's this?" Cloud was shocked at the abundance of trays.

"A meal fit for a king," stated Irvine matter-of-factly just before he rattled off an itinerary of what they would be getting up to today. Cloud's eyes widened as the list of activities grew.

"Did Selphie have anything to do with this?" Cloud looked dumbstruck at the print out which Irvine had compiled. In this regard Irvine and Selphie were two peas in a pod; they loved to organize and plan.

"No. I was told not to tell anyone."

That was the only saving grace for Roxas. Cloud would punish him later for this.

Irvine had somehow managed to weasel out of his work duties for the day and got Cloud off as well, much to Cloud's irritation. It was Cloud's special day but he felt like he was dragged along to everything. Even to the things he would otherwise have enjoyed seeing.

Irvine hauled Cloud to cultural sights and an exhibition on vehicles and the history of the engine, which was touring the nation. If Cloud had gone any other day, with anyone else, he would have enjoyed himself more. But Irvine's presumptions that Cloud would like to see these things - even though correct - really grated on his nerves. He didn't like that the other man seemed to know him so well. He didn't like that Irvine was so good at making Cloud feel alright.

Cloud showed appreciation though, through ' _thank you's_ ' and forced smiles. He didn't want to be an asshole. Irvine _was_ trying after all. But he didn't understand _why_ he was trying. This wasn't - they weren't a _thing_. They weren't a _couple_. They were just two guys who got lonely sometimes, and horny.

When the flowers came out after a delicious and big dinner at the Wutai BBQ Cloud had enough. He did everything he hated about himself. He caused a scene and stormed out, like a proper drama queen. He showed his weakness. He showed the ugly side of himself, for everyone at the restaurant to see. Cloud fumed and chided himself for what he had done. He hated himself even more for not having been able to bottle it all up.

' _What are you doing? This is embarrassing. We're not a couple!_ '. The words he spoke rattled around his head as he continued to walk into the night, presumably heading for their home. Cloud wasn't sure.

He just kept walking.

The way Irvine had looked so pleased with himself over all the good and wonderful things he was doing for Cloud today made Cloud's blood boil.

' _You are really special to me, Cloud._ '

No, no, _no.- Just NO!_ It irked Cloud. Made him physically ill. He wanted to throw up all of today's dinner and starve himself. Cloud chastised himself. He should have said ' _no_ ' to Irvine at the beginning of the day. Told him that he wasn't going to play this game. Told him he needed time alone, because that was the ultimate truth.

Cloud _hated_ being around other living beings on his birthday. He had always locked himself away and spent the day mercilessly torturing himself with negativity. It was the penance Cloud felt he had to pay. To have been enjoying himself today felt like he was no longer guilty. Cloud would never stop being guilty however.

Why had Roxas even _told_ Irvine? What was he thinking? Didn't he realize how much Cloud _loathed_ his birthday? Didn't he know that Cloud started their whole mess _on_ his birthday? It had been five years. Five disgusting and torrid years ago.

Cloud wanted to scream, but instead pounded the gravelly pavement even harder until he found himself in familiar surroundings.

Cloud turned down the snug alleyway and climbed the few steps to the Shrine. Once he had stepped through and slid the door shut behind him he felt the weight of his sins and let them wash over and drown him.

* * *

It was a strange time after Cloud returned from his disappearance act very early in the morning. Everyone had been worried about him, which Selphie and Rinoa would not stop berating him for. They pointed out that Irvine was still out there looking for him, which did not help Cloud overcome the guilt he felt. They had threatened him with curfews and chaperoning him wherever he went because he ' _clearly couldn't be trusted to behave like an adult'_.

Roxas had intervened and calmed Selphie and Rinoa down because he saw the death stare in Cloud's eyes before anyone else noticed the change of mood. Roxas had seen that look in Cloud's eyes before. His shoulder twinged just thinking about it.

Cloud had confined himself to his room and actually locked the door to keep Roxas at bay. Cloud was seriously worried about hurting his brother if he came in, he was _that_ wound up. Roxas knocked several times but was greeted by silence, so eventually gave up.

* * *

Irvine returned as soon as he received the message from Selphie that Cloud had come home and that he was safe and sound, albeit a little bit grumpy. Irvine had been searching for him all night. He had been worried sick. He was unable to fathom what had happened. One moment they had shared a lovely meal together and the next Cloud had thrown the flowers Irvine had given him, as well as several dishes across the floor, storming out.

Irvine recognized that he had messed up. Had Cloud been a girl Irvine would have had him eating out of the palm of his hand, figuratively that is. But Cloud definitely wasn't. He wondered if all men were as complicated as the one he was dating.

Irvine found Roxas sitting in front of Cloud's door, with his back to it, hunched and head resting against his knees.

"Is he alright?"

Roxas, upon seeing Irvine, raised himself and pulled Irvine aside so they could talk in private.

"He'll be alright. I'm really sorry."

"Sorry for what? You didn't do anything." Irvine kept his eyes mostly on the door while speaking with Roxas. He was eager to see Cloud and figure out what had happened.

"I shouldn't have told you about his birthday. Cloud gets really worked up about it. I thought you might be able to get him out of his yearly rut. But now I just messed it up and made it bad for everyone."

"Well," Irvine lowered his eyes onto Roxas, "A heads up might have been nice. But I still don't see how this is your fault. I probably came across as too clingy. Romanced him a bit too hard." Irvine winked at Roxas and smirked.

"If you say so." Roxas knew better, but he decided to stay out of his brothers life. He had messed up tremendously. He knew the gravity of the situation, even if no one else around them did.

* * *

Another knock came on Cloud's door.

He was thoroughly pissed. "GO. AWAY. ROXAS!" Cloud shouted firmly.

"It's Irvine," came a quiet voice.

Cloud's stomach constricted, clenching in on itself and causing nausea to swell. After last night's agony Cloud really didn't want to see Irvine. Cloud felt like he still needed to wallow in his own misery, and that he didn't deserve a pick-me up. Irvine deserved an apology though.

Cloud sighed deeply.

The door unlocked with a click and opened silently. Irvine's smile dropped when he didn't see Cloud on the other side. He stepped over the threshold and turned as he heard the door close behind him.

Cloud stood across from him, head sunk low, staring at the floor. Irvine shifted towards him and moved his hand to run it across those soft cheeks. He really liked how soft Cloud was, despite being a man.

Irvine's hand got caught before it could make contact however.

"Irvine, don't." Blonde hair shook side to side in emphasis.

Irvine dropped his hand and frowned. "What happened? Why aren't we ok?"

" ' _We',"_ Cloud huffed mockingly. "That's the problem. There is no ' _we'._ I don't want a ' _we'_."

"What did I _do,_ Cloud? Tell me. Everything was fine yesterday. W- You and I were ok yesterday."

Cloud smiled bitterly at the floor. "I told you, I'm messed up. This is what life with me is like. You don't deserve that. So just leave, Irvine. Go find someone else to experiment with. I don't want to do this anymore." Cloud stepped away from the door, and pulled it open as he did so.

Irvine felt bewildered and just stood there, looking at Cloud, who was holding the door open, still not looking at him. "Cloud, look at me," Irvine pleaded.

Cloud did lift his eyes off the floor and visibly sighed. "What you and I want out of this arrangement is different, Irvine. I don't want a relationship with _you_. We had an agreement, and you broke it. So we are done." Cloud, in a flash, had pushed Irvine out of the room and locked the door behind him before Irvine could say anything else.

He was left in the hallway, head reeling. Had that just happened? Had Irvine just been - _dumped_?


	13. The Vanishing Point

**Chapter 13**

 _The Vanishing Point_

Summary:

 _Time passes. Relationships don't mend. The past is uncomfortably brought into the present._

* * *

It would be a lie to say that the break up didn't affect both Irvine and Cloud. Cloud kept insisting, to himself more than anyone else, that it wasn't a break up. Breaking up meant there had been something whole to begin with. That certainly wasn't the case. They maintained civilities between each other but the arctic wind that blew through Cloud's comments from time to time were chilling enough for everyone to notice.

Cloud didn't think anyone but Roxas really knew what had transpired between the two of them. No one ever asked if everything was ' _alright',_ but even if they had they would have been met with the aloof veneer which Cloud had cultivated expertly over the years.

Cloud didn't purposefully want to be mean. He just wanted to make it abundantly clear to Irvine that they were truly done. That there was never a chance between them ever again. Cloud would figure out another way out of his own mess. He wasn't going to rely on someone else. This was probably the kindest thing for Irvine anyway, Cloud told himself.

Nights turned bitter again, but Cloud tried to pull himself through as much as he could. Some nights he would hear footsteps down the hall, which stopped at his door for several moments before continuing on to where Irvine's quarters were. Those times warmed Cloud's soul slightly and he felt a little less weathered by the onslaught of his inner demons. For some reason Irvine still cared for him. As much as Cloud didn't like that - it was still _nice_.

Cloud began reverting back to how he used to be. He withdrew himself from most group celebrations, much to Selphie's dismay. He still made an effort to show, but would often disappear when he felt everyone's attention had drifted to the more important people in the group. He joined in less with conversations and generally focused a lot more on staying late at Cid's workshop, tinkering away.

Cloud felt Irvine's stares from time to time. It was mostly over breakfasts, as Cloud would usually run away, missing dinner, and not come back until late at night.

Cloud felt guilty over the way he had shut Irvine down. He couldn't help it though. The affection and adoration had been too much. He didn't deserve any of it. Frankly it had begun to freak him out. Feeling comfortable with the other man had begun to scare him. Feeling himself looking forward to waking up next to Irvine had scared him. He knew why he had tried this experiment in the first place, but the fact that it had worked so well perturbed him.

Sometimes Roxas' words drifted into Cloud's mind. Words spoken out of anger and bitterness, years ago, in the vein of ' _Why are you always sabotaging yourself?'_ Cloud never had an answer.

Their arrangement had been _really_ comfortable for Cloud. It's absence now left a gaping void in his heart. It was possibly another example of Cloud sabotaging himself.

He still felt no closer to uncovering why Zack was so important to him. What it had been about that man that let Cloud open himself up to such an extent? He never felt that way with Irvine, irrespective of how cozy they had been. So Cloud considered it a failed experiment. But at least he had tried. At least he knew he _could_ technically attain a level of comfort in casualness. And that was one positive thing to take away from that whole mess.

* * *

It was a fairly mediocre evening, despite everyone being present at the HQ's. Cloud sat at the bar, stabbing at his vegetables while everyone was gathered around the large table in the center of the room conversing with each other and having a good time.

The silence was actually what drew Cloud out of his circular thoughts. It wasn't normal for everyone to be so quiet. Cloud looked up and noticed the group's heads all turned towards the television set which was hardly ever on. But this evening it was.

"Turn it up, man. Us old timers can't hear shit when the volume's so low," said Cid in his gravelly voice showing great interest.

Someone obliged him.

There was a reporter on the television, outside of what looked like a hospital. "-here outside of _Royal Hope Garden Hospital_. Early this morning war veteran and hero General Sephiroth was admitted for unknown reasons.

General Sephiroth is perhaps most famous for his rise up the ranks through stopping insurgency fighters in Wutai from launching nuclear missiles on Midgar almost twelve years ago. Reports state that the admission was on a voluntary basis, and that he will be tended to here and held for observations. We will bring further news as it becomes available to us as to why this admission was made."

"We spoke to Mrs. Miller who said she saw General Sephiroth just the oth-"

Someone switched the television off.

Cloud had been gripping the side of the bar like a vice. He released it, noticing how pained and cramped his fingers felt. Cloud could see Roxas looking at him from across the room, disbelief etched onto his young face.

Everyone else started talking among themselves and over the top of each other. There were mutterings of sympathy as well as derision.

"Has he finally snapped?" - "Good riddance. I hope he stays locked up there for good!" - "He's been through a lot in his life. I hope he'll get the help he needs." - "Poor guy," where some of the utterance Cloud caught.

Cloud had definitely lost his appetite by this point.

He quietly got up and removed himself from everyone. Walking up the stairs slowly his mind raced. He headed for the bathroom and leaned himself against the sink, washing his face. He felt so leathery and worn. Looking at himself in the mirror he thought it showed as well. At this rate Cloud thought he would look like he was fifty before he ever reached his twenty-fifth birthday.

Cloud heard quick yet unhurried footsteps ascend the stairs and stop by his bedroom door. A knock and a quiet voice followed, which he could only just make out, ' _Cloud_?'

It brought a smile to Cloud's lips. He was never alone as long as he had his brother. "In here, Rox," he called out to his brother, redirecting Roxas to the bathroom.

Roxas approached and pushed the door open, worry dancing on his face.

"I'm ok, Rox," said Cloud, still leaning heavily on the sink, and staring at himself in the murky mirror.

"Why do I never believe you anymore, Cloud?" Roxas walked up to him and wrapped strong arms around his brother's upper body from behind.

Roxas held him close and rested his head on his brother's shoulder. It was a strange position for both of them but Roxas just felt like he needed to do this for Cloud.

They both stared at each other through the bathroom mirror. Cloud's hand reached up to touch Roxas' arm in appreciation.

"This is a weird turn of events, huh. I want you to talk to me, Cloud. If stuff gets bad, I want you to tell me, ok? Remember; mom, dad and I will be _angry_ at you if you go through this alone again."

A pang went through Cloud's heart. Roxas reminded him so much of their mother the way he was always looking out for Cloud. Even Roxas' weird sense of humour reminded Cloud of her.

They were fast approaching two years since they left Radiant Gardens and Cloud often marveled at how much Roxas had changed since then. Both physically and in emotional maturity.

Cloud scanned their faces in the mirror. He definitely took after their father, and Roxas definitely took after their mother. His eyes were still big and his face softly curved, unlike Cloud's more angular features and more world worn eyes.

"Since when did you become an adult, Rox?"

"Since you let me go do my own things. My own mistakes. My own triumphs."

"You'll be eighteen soon. You can go wherever you want after that." Cloud was secretly worried about that prospect, but still wanted to be supportive of Roxas' happiness.

"I was _always_ able to go wherever I wanted to go. But I chose not to. I could have left you whenever. I chose to stay with you, I've come to realize that now. I was never a prisoner of my past like you seem to be." Roxas' eyes filled with sadness. He pushed his cheek against Cloud's, nuzzling him. "I'll always be here for you. Don't forget - angry ghosts, if you don't talk to me though."

"Da-chao and ghosts. Got it," nodded Cloud in acknowledgement and a slight laugh.

Roxas let his brother go and waved as he left the bathroom.

Cloud remained looking at where Roxas had exited long after he was gone. Their exchanges were a lot briefer nowadays, but Cloud always felt like some succinct displays of solidarity and understanding were far more potent in rebalancing Cloud's psyche than ' _talking things_ _out'_ for hours on end. It was like Roxas provided a top up for his soul, and Cloud cherished that.

* * *

The days ticked over and the news broadcasts had never been so interesting to Cloud in his entire life as at this very point in time. During the day he went about his duties. Whilst he was at Cid's workshop he chose to tune in to the news broadcasts on the radio and would listen to hours of mind numbing chatter; world sports, fashion, the latest media crazy, and some slightly more interesting current affairs, all in the hope of catching some new developments regarding Sephiroth.

Once he returned back home in the evenings he would mind his own business until everyone left and went to sleep, at which point Cloud stalked back down the stairs to watch the television. He would have loved nothing better than _not_ to watch the television but he couldn't sleep. Well - Cloud _could_ sleep, but it was restless sleep filled with nightmares which he thought he had put behind him long ago.

They had come back in full force though the night the group had all listened to the newscast. Seeing images of the man who tormented him had deeply unsettled him. Cloud had tried hard to forget what he looked like. Had tried hard to erase those blue-green eyes, and that silver hair from his memory. He had tried to deafen himself to that timbre and baritone. Ultimately he had tried to forget the deeply disturbing and confusing feelings that stirred within his breast at every mention and sight of the man.

But it all got dredged up again. It was like a sick car crash that he just couldn't look away from. It had fascinated and appalled him.

Cloud watched archival footage that the news stations would play from the Wutai Wars. Cloud watched exposé's on Sephiroth and his exploits as well. He couldn't get enough of them. He hungered for more information. Once he discovered the history channel Cloud was lost in endless nightly reruns explaining the Wutai Wars and all its intricacies.

There were countless documentaries and historical timelines, piecing everything together, as well as Sephiroth's life and times. Cloud had cried when he saw archival footage of his dad and Sephiroth together. It had dug a painful shard of longing and loneliness through his heart.

How Cloud missed his father. How bitter he was that Oswyn wasn't alive any longer. How strange it was to see the two men together, laughing, or fighting side by side. It was almost like Cloud was looking at himself, having a completely different life. That thought made him shudder the most with discomfort.

All of it had been hard to watch. Cloud had known nothing about Sephiroth's upbringing. The man had never talked about himself when they had all lived together. He had been more concerned with knowing how Cloud and Roxas' days and lives had been. He had been more concerned in making sure they got a good education, ate right, and slept well. Sephiroth had been so - ' _parental'_.

It disturbed Cloud to find out that Sephiroth had been orphaned at an earlier age than even Roxas and himself. Sephiroth had become a warden of the state and institutionalized. He was sent off to boarding school. The documentary showed pictures of his school's yearbook, showing his growth into a young adult. He had been militarized from really early on, which, aside from his already existing natural talents, was attributed to why he had risen through the ranks so quickly.

Cloud detested watching all these shows and documentaries. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to _hate_ the man. But watching these things, and learning about his past diluted the animosity towards Sephiroth, which Cloud had worked quite hard to cultivate.

He _had_ to hate him.

Ultimately it had been the only way for Cloud to be able to build up the courage to leave and have kept Roxas safe all those years ago. The walls he had erected around himself were crumbling all too quickly though, and Cloud hated himself for being so weak. All the terrible things that happened to Sephiroth in no way undid or could ever excuse what that man had done to him and his family. And yet -

Cloud began to bear intense feelings of guilt over having left that man. Cloud felt that was his undoing. That was what let the thought of Sephiroth being an ' _ok guy'_ seep into his core. It had at some point occurred to him that the man was probably really damaged. He probably had needed Cloud more than Cloud could ever have known. And yet intense feelings of hatred welled inside of Cloud at the same time. Hatred directed at himself as well as Sephiroth. It was all too complicated for him to comprehend.

Cloud often fell asleep on the sofa but woke up in time to clear the area and make it back to his room before anyone saw him. Cloud's friends seemed concerned for him. Cloud had been eating less and less food, just having no appetite for anything. They often asked him if he was alright, and whether he had been getting enough sleep. Cloud always found some excuse to brush off or allay their worries.

Either it was work keeping him up, or he was coming down with something, or he was just fine and they were imagining it. Irvine was even getting concerned enough to venture a few words to Cloud to check in with him. Cloud felt too exhausted to continue keeping the cool wall up between the two of them so he would indulge the older man in brief conversations sometimes.

Roxas would give Cloud pointed looks as well, which said ' _Come and talk to me, ok_?' but Cloud never did.

* * *

News slowly stopped being reported about Sephiroth. Evidently he was in the hospital indefinitely until further notice. There had been multitudes of speculations thrown around as to what could be wrong with the strong and virile man. At thirty-nine years of age, and with a long history of good health it was soon ruled out that he was in there for anything physical.

Then the speculations started around Sephiroth's mental health. Cloud had been enthralled as he watched the circus unfold. They dug into his past and subsequently Cloud's families past. They had spoken about Cloud's mother, and her children. It had been the most surreal moment of Cloud's life, to be spoken about in third person, on television programs.

No one thankfully knew their names. Sephiroth seemed to have kept his personal affairs quite hidden from everyone. The paper trail regarding Cloud and Roxas' adoptions was the only concrete evidence anyone could really dig up. And those documents proved useless because they had been sealed and protected by the law because Roxas and Cloud had been underage, so that was a saving grace.

It was amusing in a way to see the wild speculations.

There was knowledge of adoption proceedings. There appeared a flood of information regarding who the children could be, and some crazy people calling in claiming to be the children. Cloud smirked in disgust. Would they so willing to claim an affiliation with the man if they knew what he was capable of?

The more thoughtful reports linked his current hospitalization to a life of loss and grief causing depression. Coupled with PTSD - from having been exposed to war - painted a far more vibrant picture of Sephiroth which Cloud had never considered.

Cloud hated having warm thoughts about the man. But he couldn't stop watching. If he wasn't so concerned about hiding this unhealthy obsession he was developing for the man from those around him, Cloud thought he would probably sit there all day and night consuming the media, and just wither away.

Work lost its appeal and all Cloud wanted to do was watch the television and absorb himself in Sephiroth news. Cloud only felt like he came alive in the depths of night - just like a ghost. People's concerns turned half hearted because Cloud was shutting out any available help. His friends became frustrated and were giving up on him, just like he was giving up on himself as the weeks passed. Looking after his basic daily needs and hygiene became arduous.

Everyone bar Roxas and Squall seemed to keep their distance. Roxas was always there, as was Squall, commanding Cloud to get up and go to work. Cloud appreciated it, otherwise he would never have bothered getting dressed, he thought.

Once he caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror and couldn't help but laugh. He looked like a ghost. Pale as pale could be thin-skin, and dark circles under his eyes. If his parents ghosts weren't going to haunt Cloud, at least Da-chao was going to make sure that Cloud _turned_ into a ghost instead. He certainly felt like he was drifting through life like a ghost. Like nothing he did any longer mattered or had any impact. He felt like he was disappearing into another realm where time had no meaning and everything was dark gray.


	14. A Familiar Face

**Chapter 14**

 _A Familiar Face_

Summary:

 _Cloud tries and fails to hide his night time activities._

* * *

Cloud felt himself nodding off one night. It was the same documentary he had already seen four times previous. The one where they analyzed the history of AVALANCHE and the day of the _Retaliation_. Cloud was morbidly fascinated with seeing his father and Sephiroth together. It kept his father alive in an odd sort of a way for Cloud. Yet it wasn't enough to keep the sleep at bay.

The noise of the television sudden dissipated, making way for the crushing silence of the night to startle Cloud awake. He quickly scanned his surroundings to find Squall standing to his left with an incredibly sour look on his face, which Cloud could only make out by the faint gleam of the hallway light.

"Is this what you have been doing this past month? Is this why your work performance has dipped incredibly low and I can't seem to get anyone to focus on their tasks because they are all too concerned about you?"

Cloud fumbled for words while getting up from the sofa.

"Save it, Strife."

Squall using Cloud's last name sent terrifying chills down his spine. He never called his civilian workforce by their last names unless it was _really_ serious.

Cloud sometimes forgot that Squall was the leader of a military operation. The man hardly even called Selphie and Irvine by their last names, except in formal military situations and when giving orders. They all were so casual and laid back.

"You are becoming a distraction for everyone. And quite frankly if you become a burden to our cause and if you can't get up to pull your own weight you are no longer welcome here."

It was a shocking slap in the face for Cloud. If he couldn't stay here he didn't know where he would go.

Squall softened after a moment longer of holding his world renowned scowl. "I want you to stop pushing everyone away, Cloud. Get your act together, and pull yourself together. All of us have lost people in our lives. You are no use to anyone if you keep moping around the place because of Oswyn."

Cloud felt confused for a moment. _Moping about his dad?_ He remembered the documentary which had just been shown and it clicked. Squall probably thought that's what was going on. It was a quarter truth, Cloud supposed. Yet he didn't feel like correcting Squall. Let the man think whatever he wanted to.

"Also, I don't know what was going on between you and Kinneas," there was that formal speech again which made Cloud shudder, "eleven months ago but you need to reinstate it. Both of you were far more agreeable and focused. I want a repeat of that. If I have to order it, I will. I've known you to always be a hard worker and keep to the promises you make, so I'd rather not have to tell you to do something. I want you to promise me that this situation is going to get better. No more late night television binging and you patch things up with the rest of your team members. Got it?"

Cloud nodded.

"Also, get back into your exercise routine. Kinneas has been telling me you've not attended in a long while."

Cloud saluted. He didn't have to, but all these stern instructions had unnerved and sobered him up a bit. He had been falling and drowning in his own misery again. He appreciated the shake up.

* * *

Cloud did everything Squall had asked of him. He worked on deconstructing the shell he had created around himself. He forced himself to speak more with others, and made himself sit around the large table for meals and meetings. He went on runs with Irvine as instructed and found that to be perhaps the most beneficial chore of them all. He felt more energized and began being able to focus more on the tasks at hand. But Cloud forgot how to smile. Everything was still labored and forced.

Cloud tried to resist the draw of the television. He tried to refocus on his work, but the things that used to give him joy no longer held any satisfaction for him. Cloud's mind constantly wandered to analyzing and _overanalyzing_ the past. During the day he could feel begrudging sympathy, but at night the demons came out to play.

His dreams were filled with pain and terror, leaving Cloud feeling nothing but raw guilt and shame in the mornings. It was like the disgust and shame had morphed into a new beast. Where before he blamed himself for having been so in need for Sephiroth's attention and touch he now felt extra burdened wondering what mental pain he had caused the man.

What if Cloud was directly responsible for Sephiroth's decline? Then outrage threatened to overwhelm Cloud. ' _He deserves all the pain in the world._ _What a shame he doesn't have any terminal illnesses to go along with the mental ones_.' But Cloud always backpedaled from those thoughts after a while, thinking himself a horrible human being for even contemplating such things. Cloud didn't know what was right or what was wrong. He wished he could sort and order his feelings as nearly as he kept the bar area tidy.

* * *

Once he dreamt that he was swimming in darkness. He became tangled in something to only realize it was slivers of silver hair, all around him, pulling him down. He felt his lungs fill with water, with saliva, with semen. His back burned as thin silver tendrils bore and wormed their way into him, turning his heart black.

He woke drenched in a cold sweat, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Cloud returned to the comforting glow of the television screen that night. He flicked it on and mindlessly skipped through the channels, just wanting some company that wasn't his own, or the worried sound of his friends asking him how he was doing.

Cloud had to do a double take. He quickly skipped back to a channel he had just surfed past. Cloud cautiously turned the volume up slightly and just stared, his heart filled and swelled. There was a flood of longing and a pain quite separate from the kind of pain he had been experiencing lately.

It was a rerun of some earlier news broadcast. Sephiroth was becoming old and boring news now, but someone had tried to apparently get a new angle on it by interviewing several people who either knew Sephiroth personally, or knew those who knew him. This was why a familiar face was now looking rather disgruntled at the camera while a microphone was thrust towards him.

"As I said before I never met the man. My uncle and him had been on multiple missions in the past. But as for what kind of relationship they had I can't comment."

A smile finally escaped and placed itself on Cloud's lips. It was intermittently disturbed by wracking sobs working their way out of his body. Cloud covered his mouth with his hand, trying to keep quiet, all the while eyes glued to the screen.

Cloud could hardly see the man through the blur of his tears, but he recognized his shape and stance. He would recognize those folded arms and those feet tapping with nervous energy anywhere in the world. He would know him even in the pitch of night.

It had been too long.

Almost two whole years.

Zack still looked the same, though his hair seemed longer and more unruly than what Cloud remembered it to have been.

Cloud closed his eyes and listened to that voice; the pitch and tone sent shivers through him.

He wanted to drown in that smooth voice.

He wanted to hear his name be called out by those vocal chords.

He wanted those arms around him.

Cloud's smile broadened as he listened to Zack begin shifting the conversation towards his business, trying to use this opportunity as free publicity. He completely ignoring all further questions and just kept talking up his delivery service.

The prolonged smile on Cloud's face began to hurt; the way it made his face stretch up and out was something he had grown estranged from. A strange and abrasive noise rattled its way free of Cloud's chest, startling him for a brief moment. He couldn't recall the last time he had actually laughed.

Cloud opened his eyes again, still smiling.

He saw Zack standing in the background, a sheepish grin plastered on his face and rubbing the back of his neck, as the reporter signed off the segment.

"I love you, you goof-ball," said Cloud to the television set.

Cloud had desperately tried to find more news featuring Zack over the next couple of nights to no avail. Having seen him for that brief five minutes had soothed his soul for a little while though. But then a realization had dawned on Cloud that Zack would surely be hearing everything that Cloud heard about Sephiroth.

Zack must be thinking the worst of Cloud, now that he knew how Sephiroth had suffered in his past. Just as Cloud's depressive mood started to lift he got smashed over the head with it again, only harder.

The situation wasn't helped when one day Cloud had groggily managed to rise from his tomb, and made his way downstairs to be greeted by Yuffie's dismayed cries of, "Hey! Where'd the television go?! How am I going to watch _Ninja Warrior_ now?" one morning.

Apparently Squall, having finally had enough of Cloud's nonsense, had removed the television set.

With no escape Cloud writhed in pain and grief most nights. The only times he got any decent sleep was when he had been so exhausted from the previous two, three, or even four sleepless nights in a row that he just passed out and became dead to the world.

He couldn't hide his severe dysfunction anymore. He couldn't pretend any longer.


	15. The Black Dog

**Chapter 15**

 _The Black Dog_

Summary:

 _Roxas looks after Cloud._

* * *

Squall had spoken to Roxas - Multiple times. Roxas wasn't sure how he was going to continue covering for Cloud. He was running out of excuses. Truth was that Roxas didn't even know what was wrong with Cloud. He knew his brother was in pain because of all this news lately surrounding their tormentor. It was clearly taking a heavy toll on his brother but Roxas didn't know how to help.

He had decided to stay out of Cloud's life a while ago.

After all, Roxas had found that being left to his own devices had ultimately been the most useful and powerful thing for himself. He kind of hoped the same could be applicable to his brother.

He had gotten through the worst of his sorrows, with some help from Yuffie and Selphie from time to time. He had found self worth in the work he did helping others, and was fully absorbed in starting up his own restaurant and making sure those who couldn't afford it could still have a hot meal in their bellies. Roxas felt like he had found his purpose in life, like Zack had, when he decided to help the orphans. But Cloud - Cloud had no purpose. Cloud was floundering because of his attachment to the past.

Roxas felt responsible.

Roxas _had_ been Cloud's purpose. He had been Cloud's focus for keeping him safe, and having them both survive. It had been everything Cloud had known for a long time, and now that was taken away from him. Roxas no longer needed protection. Roxas was living a fulfilling life, while Cloud was still struggling to survive, let alone thrive.

It broke Roxas' heart. He had hoped Cloud would have been able to attach to Irvine. To have someone to cling to and weather the storms with. But it had all fallen apart - because Roxas had gotten too involved.

Roxas didn't want to be Cloud's only defense against the cruelty of the world. He hoped his brother would find his own way out, but Roxas had just watched Cloud collapse more and more into himself with each passing day. He couldn't let this go any longer. As much as he wanted to be respectful of Cloud and give him space, there also seemed to come a time where interventions were necessary.

Roxas had to butt into Cloud's personal affairs again, and he did so very late one night.

Roxas had worked an excessively long shift at _The Turtle Paradise_ before heading out and feeding people at the soup kitchen he had started running. Roxas was exhausted, but he still had one more soul to look after.

He let himself into Cloud's room, not even bothering to knock. If Cloud really didn't want him coming in he would lock the door, he reasoned with himself.

He quietly moved into the dark room and sat on the edge of Cloud's bed, waiting for his brother to stir. Cloud was tossing restlessly, and when Roxas touched his brother's skin he felt how hot and clammy he was.

Had Cloud been running a fever? Was he really sick? Roxas began to get worried and pressed his hand against his brother's forehead more firmly and then ran it down to his flushed cheeks.

Cloud's eyes sprang open, and he sat up in a blur, grabbing Roxas' arm and shoulder, twisting them at an awkward and painful angle. Roxas yelped out of surprise and discomfort at having his arm pinned behind his back. Cloud's fierce eyes stared at Roxas, but apparently there was no recognition in them as the grip only tightened.

"Cloud, let go. It's me, Roxas."

Cloud blinked a few times and finally realized where he was and who he was with.

"Shit, Rox. Sorry!" He released Roxas and muttered more apologies.

Roxas was definitely worried and on high alert by this stage. He could see that the bed sheets underneath Cloud were drenched, as was his sleeping shirt.

"You're burning up, Cloud. I think you've got a fever. You're gonna make yourself even sicker if you go back to sleep in that." Roxas got up and fussed over Cloud who was still in a daze, breathing heavily and seemingly trying to regulate his heartbeat. Roxas deftly peeled Cloud's shirt off, before Cloud could fully register what was happening or make a louder protest than a few whines.

"Don't be a baby. I'll get you a dry shirt and th-," Roxas' voice failed him. He looked at his brother in disbelief.

Cloud had whimpered once the shirt had come off and quickly threw himself back on his bed, pulling the blanket on top of himself in the process. But it hadn't been quick enough.

"What - what's that?" Roxas wrestled the blanket from Cloud, leaving his brother shivering and exposed in the dim moonlight which filtered in from the window.

Roxas sunk back down onto the bed in shock.

He placed his trembling hand onto Cloud's chest. He could feel his brothers heart racing, and felt the clammy skin underneath his palm. Roxas traced the deep scar that ran across the width of his chest.

Cloud remained silent, wincing in pain like the old scar was still fresh as Roxas' fingers lingered. Eyes began watering, betraying the steely look Cloud tried to hold.

"Did you - You didn't do that to yourself, did you?" Roxas' eyes were as large as saucers, and his own tears were threatening to spill over.

A sob escaped Cloud's lips in a moment of weakness. He forcefully grabbed the blanket back, rolled over and hid himself again.

"Get out of here, Rox. I'm fine."

"That is such _bullshit_!" Roxas became angry, sat more upright and ripped the blanket off Cloud, flinging it to the floor. Roxas caught a brief glimpse of Cloud's back before Cloud had a chance to roll over to hide that side of himself from his brother.

All anger vanished from Roxas, and was replaced by utter dread and a sudden realization. The light wasn't good but he still saw enough of the scars and marks to know that this was not Cloud's own doing.

Roxas had to force himself to remember how to breathe.

Cloud looked so small and defeated, sitting in front of Roxas, head sunk and tears streaming down his peevish face.

Nothing needed to be said.

Roxas knew.

And Roxas became angry again. He felt anger like he had never felt it before. He could have - no. He _would_ have murdered that man had he known all those years ago. He would have found a way.

Roxas turned away from his brother and found him a fresh shirt, all the while chewing his bottom lip in rage. Roxas changed Cloud's bedsheets and got him something to drink, all in complete silence, which seemed to suit Cloud just fine. Then when everything was completely dry he settled Cloud into bed and got in next to him.

Roxas knew that there had been sexual abuse. In his heart of hearts he had always known that. It had always made him deeply uncomfortable. To see the permanent physical scars however drove the point home. It made the whole thing more real and tangible. It enraged Roxas. But there was nothing he could do. Not right now. All he could do was to be there for his brother.

They lay in bed facing each other for quite some time before Roxas spoke up again. "Anything you need, Cloud, I'll get it for you. Just say the word."

"I never wanted you to see me like this. I never wanted you to know," whispered Cloud horsley.

"I want things to change between us, Cloud. I'm not a little kid anymore. I don't need your protection." Roxas gently stroked Cloud's cheek. "I want us to be equals. I want us to be open with each other. From now on to forever. And you don't have to tell me about the past. But I want you to know that what I said so long ago - about never wanting to know -." Roxas breathed in deeply, checking in with himself to make sure he was ok with what he was about to say. "I take it back. If _you_ feel you _need_ to tell me - I'll always be here to listen. Promise."

Cloud searched his brothers eyes. "You shouldn't have to offer yourself up like that. Yo-"

"But it's my choice," interrupted Roxas. "So if you ever need this lifeline, I want you to take it. It's there, whether you use it or not." Roxas pulled Cloud close to himself and buried his older brothers head in his own chest.

"Now go to sleep and get some rest, so that fever goes away."

* * *

Roxas had a very serious discussion with Squall the next day. Cloud wasn't being unreasonably moody. He needed some TLC from Roxas, since he wasn't receiving it from anyone else.

Roxas and Squall butted heads.

Squall's opinion had been that getting out and doing meaningful work was the only cure for what ailed Cloud. Roxas couldn't refute that completely, but he had bought them some time.

"A week. Just let him rest for a week. I'll get him up and about after that."

"Alright, Roxas. But this is on you. This is your word. I'll let you try and coax him out gently, but after that I'm kicking him out of bed."

Roxas left Squall feeling mildly irritated. The man's compassion quota must have been depleted for the month.

"Squall being a bit tough on you?"

Roxas looked up to find Rinoa walking towards him, carrying folders stuffed with papers. She was probably heading over to Squall to organize and plan their next project, Roxas figured.

"How can you date someone like that? I'd hate to see how he treats you when you happen to be feeling under the weather."

Rinoa laughed a little. "He knows not to mess with me when I'm not feeling well." She shifted the folders to her other side. "Is this about Cloud, though? We've all been _really_ worried about him."

Roxas nodded. "He's going through - some personal stuff right now. He'll be alright soon enough. I just need to nurse him back to health for a bit." Roxas tried to brush it off and make as light a matter of it as he could without being disingenuous.

"You know, Squall's _really_ worried about Cloud. Probably more than anyone else here. He's gone through some pretty severe depression in the past too. He can spot the signs of that black dog miles off. He's only telling Cloud what he should do because he knows it's what got him through it back then." Rinoa looked like she was thinking about something and added, "Well - he also had me. He was pretty anti-social until I weaseled my way into his heart." She finished with a wink.

"Does Squall still get depressed now?" Roxas was curious for any tidbits he could gather.

"Oh yes. But who doesn't, you know," stated Rinoa matter-of-factly. "He keeps active, both physically and socially. He's got people to confide in. That's how you keep that beastie away. Or at least keep it a manageable size, instead of having it so big that it gobbles you up every time it comes around for a visit." Rinoa smiled gently at Roxas. "It's wonderful that you have each other. Don't worry about Squall. Just have Cloud take his time. We're not going to kick him out, no matter what that meanie says."

"Thanks, Rinoa." It had lifted Roxas' spirits.

* * *

Roxas would hover over Cloud all day, every day. He brought him food and drink, and insisted Cloud consume it all. Roxas even managed to get Cloud out of bed once a day to go for a walk in the sunshine. Roxas figured his brother felt guilty about making Roxas miss out on his restaurant duties so was trying to be as agreeable a patient as possible. Sometimes you could make guilt and feeling bad work in your favor, mused Roxas cheerfully.

Roxas chatted to Cloud about inane things to do with his work, and the customers who frequented there. Often times Cloud would doze off but Roxas still didn't leave his side. He was always there when Cloud awoke, and Roxas hoped it helped to make his brother feel more secure and cared for.

He moved all his extra mattresses, blankets and pillows back into Cloud's room and they made a very comfortable nest on the floor for them to sleep on, as it was larger than the tiny beds they had been provided with.

Every night they would bunker down together and drift off to sleep in each other's arms. Roxas was reminded of how they had done this as children, before Roxas had his accident, and before Cloud drifted away from his life. It brought a smile to Roxas' face when he had those flashbacks of a much less complicated life.

Roxas almost instantaneously discovered that nights were Cloud's biggest difficulty. He would become restless in his sleep, and the night sweats would start again. He had nightmares every single night, and the worst seemed to always come in the early hours of the morning. Roxas would wake Cloud up, and they'd lay together, listening to the insects chirping outside, while Cloud's heartbeat stilled.

"Are they the same nightmares you used to get?" ventured Roxas one time.

Roxas knew that Cloud had night terrors when they first set out on their own. He had never associated it with their past, however. He also never remembered the nightmares to ever have been as severe or prolonged as what Cloud was going through right now.

"I don't remember what I dreamed about back then. But now - they're always about _him_. And if he's not there then I am completely alone, in the dark. Sometimes those feel even worse," admitted Cloud, slowly.

Roxas rubbed Cloud's arm in an attempt to comfort him. "A-are they dreams about - what he _did_ to you?"

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "You think I have PTSD?"

"I don't think we can rule it out. This began happening around the time all those news reports started, right?"

Cloud hated how much Sephiroth was managing to affect him, even all these years down the line. How could sex fuck someone up so badly? It _had_ been pretty traumatic, Cloud guessed. But it still didn't make much sense to him.

"Rox, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Wh-what was your first time like with Axel?"

Roxas' stomach plummeted. He regretted giving his consent - until he thought about what Cloud had been through. Boy, they both sure knew how to guilt trip one another into acquiescing to each other's requests.

"Why do you want to know that?" asked Roxas cautiously.

"I don't want anyone to mess you up, Rox. I hope Axel didn't mess you up. That's all."

Roxas had to fling his mind back to even remember what it had been like. "It -." Roxas thought a little more. "It was really wonderful, actually. It was scary, and I wish I had known more about it before we did anything but - it was really great. He was really - attentive, I guess is the word." Roxas felt himself blushing at the recollection, and especially at sharing that with his brother.

Roxas' heart twinged at the long forgotten memories. If he really thought about it and was speaking to anyone else but his brother about it he would probably have used words like ' _ridiculously hot and sexy_ '.

Maybe he still missed Axel a little bit.

Yuffie was great and all, but Roxas kind of longed for what Axel had offered, if he was completely honest with himself. He could swear his face felt hotter just thinking about it.

"I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad only one of us is fucked up."

"You should stop talking like that about yourself. If you keep saying nasty things about yourself you'll start believing that nonsense."

"It's not nonsense though. I'm pathetic and weak. Insecure, and can never do anyth-"

"Stop that. Stop, stop, stop! Cloud. Stop." Roxas had clamped his hand firmly over Cloud's mouth. "Every person in the world is those things and feels those things about themselves. No one's perfect. I felt useless and like a burden to you and the world for so long. But you know what I did, Cloud?"

His brother shook his head.

Roxas slowly removed his hand from Cloud's mouth. "I stopped talking to myself like that. I started focusing on the good I was doing. I started validating my own existence. I want you to do the same. I want you to get better from this. Don't you still want to get back to Zack?"

"I don't think Zack would wa-"

Roxas clasped his hand over Cloud's mouth once more. "See, that thing you are doing right now? That part where you are telling yourself that there is no way he could want someone as ' _pathetic'_ and ' _terrible'_ as yourself? Stop that. Just a yes or a no. Do you still want to be with Zack?"

The hand was removed once more to reveal a small smile on Cloud's face. "Yes."

"Good. Then that's what you focus on, Cloud. That's your recovery. And you get to him in whatever way you can."

Silence filled the space between them once more.

"Are you going to go back to Axel? Sephiroth is out of the picture. And you're nearly old enough for him to have no control over you. If you leave in a few days you can get there by your birthday."

Roxas thought about that for a moment. There was a yearning at the bottom of his heart. "I think you need me more than he does right now. I'm not going anywhere, Cloud. Not until you get better. Family has always been everything to us."

In all honesty, Cloud was relieved to hear that. He didn't know how he would cope without Roxas right now. The fog and exhaustion somehow seemed to lift somewhat from Cloud's mind when Roxas was near him, and talking to him. It was almost like the nightmarish tendrils dissolved in the brightness and hope that Roxas always held up to him; like a candle in the darkness.

Roxas had always been his beacon.

When Roxas was with him Cloud could see a way out. His brother was his guide through this awful maze of misery which Cloud had imprisoned himself in. He would follow the roadmap and make his way to Zack. He would work really hard on no longer needing anyone, but becoming self reliant.

"Thanks, Rox. I promise I won't be a burden on you for much longer."

"Take your time, Cloud. I think I owe you for every single scar."


	16. A Way Out

**Author Notes:**

Mature content ahead.

 **Chapter 16**

 _A Way Out_

Summary:

Cloud comes to a decision around how he will fix up his life.

* * *

Cloud did his best to stop feeding into his own negativity. Maybe having removed the television had been a good idea after all. Cloud figured he would thank Squall one day.

Roxas started going back to his work after a couple of weeks, and Cloud started living his life again.

He got up in the mornings, managed to dress himself and tend to his matted hair. Cloud pottered around, tidying up, as everyone else seemed to be allergic to it, and eventually he returned to Cid's workshop.

Cid greeted him with a massive backlog of work that needed to be done. Cloud knew it was Cid's way of saying 'welcome back and glad to see you're feeling better.' It had brought a smile to his face. Cloud was also happy to note that smiles didn't feel so strange sitting on his face, like they had done only a month ago.

Cloud absorbed himself in his work and in enhancing and fine tuning his skills. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten his dream of opening up his own workshop, next to Zack and running their businesses side by side. Even if Zack didn't want anything to do with him any longer, it was still a dream that let him brace against the cold. It acted as a flotation device when he felt himself drowning. It let Cloud move forward. One small step at a time.

So Cloud got stuck into learning how to run a business in earnest, by observing Cid more carefully, and shutting out the chatter of the radio that always seemed to be yapping away in the background.

Getting better was a grueling, extremely laborious, and incredibly slow task. Some days it was an immense struggle, and other days he got up and did everything he wanted and needed to do without any issues. Roxas still lay next to him in their pillow fort every night, and that weighed heavily on Cloud's mind. Cloud didn't want Roxas to sacrifice his life and happiness for his stupidly weak brother.

That train of thought always caused Cloud to frown. He still thought exceedingly negative things about himself, despite Roxas imploring him to stop saying and thinking stuff like that. Cloud just couldn't see how those impressions he had of himself weren't true.

Yeah, there were probably some good points about Cloud - he was a hard worker after all. There was that. But generally speaking he was just a terrible human being.

* * *

Cloud had awoken from a potent nightmare, the essence of which wouldn't leave him. Roxas had comforted him but had drifted off to sleep again, leaving Cloud to ruminate, which was the one thing he really shouldn't be doing at that time of night. His thoughts kept running around in circles and lately seemed to center around his brother.

He didn't want Roxas to worry about him anymore. He wanted Roxas to be free to choose where to go and what to do with his life. For all the talk of Roxas choosing to stay with Cloud, he still knew that it wasn't a real choice. It was more of an automatic reaction to a situation, because doing anything else would make living with yourself difficult.

Cloud still wrestled with the choices he had made so long ago. He wished he hadn't stayed, but he would never have been able to live with himself if he had abandoned Roxas either. Sometimes Cloud wished he could be more selfish. If he had been selfish he would probably be living somewhere nice right now, without a care in the world.

He wouldn't have these insecurities about whether or not he was worth something. He wouldn't have so much trouble trusting people. He would be able to let people into his life and have normal relationships. He wouldn't have to be a complete arsehole to Irvine. He'd be able to go back to Zack without all the worries he held in his head.

Everything wrong in Cloud's life stemmed from Cloud not having been strong enough to get over his parents deaths. Everything wrong in Cloud's life had been because he needed someone in his life to make him feel better. Cloud had so much regret in his life, he didn't know what to do with it.

He sighed deeply and sneaked out of the room, heading down the hall. He was probably going to regret his next set of actions too. The selfish road would be to keep Roxas by his side forever. That thought made Cloud happiest. If Cloud did nothing, and kept harming himself like he was, Roxas would never leave him. The selfless road would be to fix his life up so Roxas could move on.

Cloud knocked on the door and waited. He thought himself to be the most horrible person he knew. And that included Sephiroth.

After what felt like an eternity the door cracked opened.

"Can I come in?"

Irvine looked at Cloud, scrutinizing him. Some animosity had built up between the two of them after Cloud had unceremoniously ended their arrangement last year. But Irvine opened the door wider despite their history, inviting Cloud inside.

"What do you want, Cloud?" asked Irvine once Cloud had entered.

Cloud winced at Irvine's tone. He hadn't really thought about what he would say. He thought he might try the truth, and tentatively tested the waters, "I want us to try again. I miss what we had."

Cloud watched as Irvine's brow knitted into a frown and he listened to the incredulous scoff.

"That's funny coming from you. Because as I remember it you told me you wanted nothing to do with me. But here you are."

Cloud remained silent for a while, thinking.

"I -," Cloud squeezed his eyes shut. He was just about to say the one thing he never wanted to say to anyone ever again. He looked at Irvine. He knew what would win him over. He hated himself before he even said it. "I need you, Irvine. I have these bad dreams. I have these restless nights. You made things better before. I want you to help me make it better again."

Cloud felt like the biggest hypocrite.

Irvine just continued frowning at Cloud. This whole conversation had caught him off guard. They hadn't really spoken more than a few words to each other in months.

"How long do you think it will feel better for though? It will just end the same way. I'll get too attached, and you'll clamp up. You just drop me whenever it's most convenient for you. It's me who ends up getting hurt, Cloud."

"I just need you to not get so attached. We're supposed to be experimenting, remember. Just let us have some fun."

Irvine wore a sour expression on his face.

"You don't think we can make this work?" Cloud's heart sank. He wasn't sure how he would manage to fix his life if this lifeline was taken away from him.

The sadness in the other man's eyes melted Irvine's resolve to not let himself get pulled into yet another painful situation. "I can see how lonely you are, Cloud, and it breaks my heart. I don't want to see you like this. But if we do this it's gonna end badly again."

"What do you need from me so you don't get attached? I've already told you that I'm screwed up. You've seen how I get. I -." Cloud felt at a loss at what more he could possibly do to not have Irvine like him. He couldn't even understand why Irvine was getting attached. Cloud was awful after all. It was only ever supposed to be a bit of fun.

"I can't 'not care' for you, Cloud. And I think you know that. That's why you're here," said the man somewhat resentfully.

Cloud did know that. He had banked on Irvine's good nature. He felt like a rotten piece of garbage.

"I just want us to have a good time together. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing complicated. What we had before - it made the loneliness bearable. It made forgetting easier."

Irvine looked away. He was being played like a fiddle and he knew it. What Cloud was saying echoed and resembled what was also in Irvine's heart, which was why it was so hard for Irvine to not be drawn into feeling affections for the other man.

"Alright," was the reply after a few moments.

Cloud breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you." Cloud closed the distance between them and snaked his arms around Irvine's torso, planting a very tentative kiss on his lips. He just wanted to get back to how things had been. He felt so desperate for it. Yet it was to be expected that the heat and spark that previously existed would need some tending and reigniting.

Cloud stroked Irvine's cheek gently until the man finally laid his eyes on Cloud again. Cloud gave him a smile, which seemed to only cause Irvine some deep felt pain. The smile faded quickly and Cloud pulled away, all the while searching Irvine's eyes for some sort of sign that they would be ok.

"Sorry, Irvine. I'll let you get back to sleep."

But before Cloud could turn to leave his arm was grabbed and pulled towards the other man. Cloud was firmly embraced and lead to the bed, where they nestled down together and fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

Roxas had caught Cloud sneaking out one night but had been left beaming when Cloud told him he and Irvine were patching things up between themselves. In turn this made Cloud happy and relieved. His plan seemed to be working out. Roxas would soon be free of tending Cloud, the invalid.

Steadily over the weeks Cloud and Irvine become reacquainted with the feel and rhythm of each other. Their kisses turned more impassioned and their make-out sessions increased in duration. Cloud was able to focus on just enjoying himself. As their passion for each other increased - as their needs started building up Cloud became less hesitant to just give in to what he wanted.

What they had was meaningless. There was no relationship here. There was no confiding in each other. No sharing of secrets. No sharing of truths. There was no exposing of one's soul. There was no way to be hurt in what they had. It was safe. So hips began to grind together, moans escaped, and teeth became involved as each night brought on more lustful feelings.

Cloud definitely felt guilty for having manipulated Irvine into this situation. The situation was definitely working in Cloud's favor though. He was able to push negative thoughts out of his head. He still had bad dreams but when he awoke next to Irvine the other man was always able to calm him with kisses. Cloud was always able to forget.

It is what he needed.

What he had wanted.

So when Irvine began pushing more - when Irvine seemed to once again become more comfortable with the idea of being physically intimate with Cloud, he went with it. He wanted to pleasure Irvine. He wanted to show his appreciation for the man. Make him feel nice. Make him not regret his decision to let Cloud have his way with him. It was the least he could do.

Cloud's hands drifted and roamed wherever they pleased. At first Cloud's hand had been stopped around mid navel, but over time had been permitted to drift further and further south. The top of Irvine's sleeping flannels - underneath the waistband, caressing the soft and sensitive skin there - and eventually Cloud clasped Irvine's erection. Cloud's stomach had flipped at the noises that escaped Irvine's mouth as he had started stroking the other man. Cloud wanted Irvine to have such a wonderful experience. He wanted to use his mouth, but also wanted to be respectful of Irvine's constant uncertainty. So he refrained, and figured that baby steps were probably safer.

Cloud continued to seduce Irvine over the nights.

Cloud thought about the fears he had held himself at first around the idea of having sex with another man, so long ago. Irvine would surely be going through the same things. Cloud had felt that he had ruined himself for life with Sephiroth. But then Zack had come along, showing him that sex could be mutual - sex could be good. Cloud didn't want to ruin Irvine. He did care a little bit about the other man's well being after all.

So Cloud thought about Zack most nights. About what that man had done right for him, so he could somehow emulate it and ease Irvine's mind. But Cloud often times became self absorbed in his thoughts. He started ruminating about how he had learned that he could trust another human being again - with his heart, mind and body. Zack had kept him safe and not abused him like Sephiroth had. Zack had become his special someone. It only cemented the longing that Cloud held for the man.

And he hated it.

That was why Cloud had decided he needed to have sex with Irvine. Sex was like showing his scars to others. It was personal. He had failed at letting the idea of Irvine seeing him naked into his mind, but maybe he could work on having meaningless sex with Irvine instead. To be able to return to Zack Cloud needed to immunize himself against the idea that Zack was the only person he could ever have sex with.

He knew the idea of sharing himself with someone other than Zack was out the window. But sex he could surely do. He needed to not need Zack. If he could have meaningless sex with someone else he would be well on his way to fixing his life, Cloud was positive about that.


	17. Not The Same

**Author Notes:**

Extremely mature content ahead.

 **Chapter 17**

 _Not The Same_

Summary:

 _The intimacy grows - but so does the self-doubt._

* * *

Cloud thought things were going really well between the two of them. However in his attempts at being very observant and receptive to Irvine's needs, Cloud began noticing that Irvine always called their nights off just as the man was getting close to climaxing. It had been the way Irvine's facial muscles twitched as he edged closer and closer to his pleasure, that made Cloud aware.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to stop just at the edge? On multiple occasions Cloud took note of the internal battle which Irvine seemed to wager with his hand. Should he pull Cloud's hand out of his pants or leave them? He always pulled his hand out and they returned to kissing, winding down their arousal and drifting off to sleep.

Cloud had come over to Irvine's room one early evening, for the express purpose of talking about this issue. Cloud and Irvine didn't do much talking, but this was something which needed to be remedied if Cloud was ever going to have his way and fix his life.

Irvine had been kind of cute the way he stammered nervously. "I- I'm -ah- We're both guys. I just -. It's weird, you know?"

But Cloud didn't know.

"I've never been with a woman and have no desire to be with one either. Does that make me weird?" He had felt a little bit hurt by Irvine's words. Was this yet another thing that was wrong about Cloud? He really didn't need another thing to add to the list.

When Cloud had put it like that Irvine felt stupid and bad about his own bigotry. "No. It doesn't make you weird. I'm sorry I said that. I guess I've got some hang-ups." Irvine tried to push out an easy going smile, but it looked more nervous than anything else.

"As long as it feels nice there's nothing wrong with it. I want to make you come."

Cloud added almost as an afterthought, "You don't have to reciprocate, if that's what you're worried about."

There was a silence.

Irvine had such an intense look on his face that Cloud just had to ask, "Did I say something wrong?"

"N-no." Irvine looked up, brought out of his epiphany. "You're right. I am scared of having to do whatever you do to me, back to you."

"I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to."

Cloud seriously hoped he could keep that promise, as the palpable look of realization and relief drifted onto Irvine's features. Cloud didn't want to hurt him. He had to keep reminding himself of that fact.

In a moment Irvine pulled Cloud towards himself and engaged their kissing routine. The only difference being that it didn't start of slow and cool, but was hot and full of fire from the get go. Cloud's heart was racing and desire pooled in his groin in a matter of moments. He wanted to get the ball rolling so he could get what he wanted from Irvine.

Cloud worked on undoing Irvine's pants, while the other man was busy burrowing his tongue as deeply into Cloud's throat as he could. Hands pulled on Cloud's hair in an attempt to force them closer together. Cloud pulled all of Irvine's clothes down off his hips and pushed the man backwards onto his bed roughly, where Cloud mounted and straddled the cowboy's bare thighs. Irvine's cheeks were red and hot. He looked like he was finally ready to give himself over to Cloud.

That excited him.

Cloud returned his mouth to meld with Irvine's and busied his hand with stroking the man's growing erection. Irvine tilted his hips into the strokes and moaned pleasantly. Cloud played with Irvine's head and slit, enjoying the smooth wetness that the pre-come provided. He enjoyed knowing that this would drive his playmate closer and closer to that edge, which Cloud wanted so desperately to push Irvine over.

Cloud pulled his tongue out of Irvine's mouth and looked into his blue eyes. For a brief second he wished they were someone else's eyes but cleared his mind.

"Are you getting close?" Cloud knew the answer but wanted to hear Irvine's whimpers.

Irvine obliged him and also nodded.

"Will you _actually_ come for me this time?"

Another nod.

Cloud smiled, gleefully. This was actually quite fun, he thought.

Cloud's face all of a sudden vanished from Irvine's sight. Irvine made moves to lift his head so he could see what happened to that blonde seducer, especially after the friction around his shaft vanished. Irvine went cross-eyed and slammed back into the mattress as a heat enveloped the tip of his shaft.

Cloud was sucking him off. That thought alone drove Irvine closer to climax than he had ever been. He didn't think about how disgusting it was that another man had his mouth around his penis. All he thought about was how good it felt, like Cloud had encouraged him to do.

His nerve endings tingled with pleasure. He gave into the sensation and the feel of velvet surrounding him, swallowing him whole and everything he had to give. Irvine let go of all his hang-ups. He bucked his hips, wanting to go deeper, wanting to feel warmer. A moan escaped his lips and he released himself into the other man's mouth shortly thereafter. The wave of pleasure crashed and washed over him, fizzling out slowly. He could still feel Cloud around his waning erection, swallowing the remainder of Irvine's climax and lapping at his shaft. Irvine shivered with pleasure and moaned once more.

Cloud released Irvine from his mouth with a wet _plop_ and returned back into Irvine's field of vision. They both smiled at each other. Irvine's an exhausted and contented one, and Cloud's filled with childlike excitement at having done a good job. Cloud licked his lips and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand before leaning in to resume the kissing that had started this whole thing. But panic all of a sudden seized Irvine and he turned his head in such a way that Cloud's kiss missed it's mark and landed on his cheek instead.

Irvine rolled away to sit up and find his pants. He didn't see Cloud's smile vanish and be replaced by a deeply internalized hatred and pain.

* * *

Cloud waited. And continued to wait. He wanted Irvine to reciprocate what Cloud gave, but had to keep reminding himself that he wasn't going to push the subject. He had promised Irvine that he wouldn't expect anything until the other man was ready. But the longer he waited the more he hated that Irvine was so deeply uncomfortable with what they were doing on an almost nightly basis.

It somehow made Cloud feel dirty - or like he wasn't good enough for Irvine. If Cloud thought too long and hard about it an old uncomfortable feeling would rise within himself which he couldn't and didn't want to name. So Cloud chose to ignore it, and focused instead on continuing to pleasure Irvine. It was the only thing he could do. It was the best way to distract himself.

Despite Cloud not wanting to, he often thought of Zack. He often compared Irvine to Zack, and noticed how they just didn't match up.

He had been so content to never have himself be tended to when he and Zack first became intimate. Zack had wanted to touch him though, but Cloud had always refused. Zack had slowly worn down his defenses - had slowly made him comfortable, and it had been so incredibly worth it. Cloud had never thought that he was deserving enough to have someone care for him the way Zack had. It was like Zack allowed Cloud to have desires, and to take pleasure in his own pleasures.

But every night with Irvine reminded Cloud of how this wasn't Zack. Irvine's refusal felt like a deep and personal rejection. And that's when the hate and self-doubt kicked into high gear. Cloud had been told that this would happen, after all. That he wouldn't be wanted, or loved. Cloud didn't want to believe it, but with each passing day that Irvine didn't reciprocate it felt like an emotional cut far more precise than any of the others he had received before.

There came a point where Cloud would have ceased visiting Irvine if Roxas hadn't been around. He gave up on his dream to returning to Zack. He felt he would be happy to live in his own misery and terrible dreams, because they were far less hurtful than the muck which got drudged up from Irvine rejecting him all the time. But Roxas was still here. So Cloud had to continue to not be selfish and to play pretend.

Cloud even took it to the extreme and started spending the whole night with Irvine, to show Roxas that things were really going well. Somehow going the other direction of where he wanted to go had seemed logical at the time. Roxas had gotten back to living his own life. It seemed to Cloud like that was reason enough to endure anything. Just to see his brother happy and at peace made being in Irvine's bed all night worthwhile.

When Cloud had first asked if he could stay the night he supposed it endeared himself to Irvine somehow, because that particular warm smile he saw wasn't one he usually got. Irvine's hands roamed over him with some renewed passion, but Cloud had kept those wandering hands firmly on top of his clothes and not under. It had somehow sparked some hope inside of Cloud. Maybe Irvine wasn't completely disgusted with him. Maybe Irvine would one day want to pleasure Cloud back.

* * *

Irvine sometimes asked if Cloud was alright not receiving the same sort of attention back. Cloud always lied and said it was fine. He couldn't bring himself to tell Irvine how he actually felt about the situation. He couldn't let Irvine into his deep dark insecurities. It would be too personal. It would make things too complicated between them.

So Cloud always just said that he would sort himself out later. But even that had been a lie. He started feeling too disgusted at himself to even masturbate. If Irvine was this put off then something must be wrong with Cloud, and the man hadn't even _seen_ his back yet.

Those thoughts made Cloud miss Zack even more. Zack had accepted him and had wanted Cloud so badly. But it fed back into needing Zack in his life, and until that feeling went away Cloud would just have to brace through his current ordeal.

But one night the reprieve came. Irvine had been out on a mission, and came back late in the night. Cloud had taken to sleeping in Irvine's bed whether he was there or not so Cloud wasn't surprised to be woken up by the other man. He was however surprised by Irvine getting right on top of him and sliding his hand down Cloud's body, dipping a hand underneath his sleeping pants before pulling them down. The fingers that hesitantly but eventually firmly clasped around his penis were even more surprising.

"Irvine, are you ok?" breathed Cloud out of politeness more than actual care. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to focus on the cool hands tending to and building an erection, which Cloud hadn't experienced in a while.

"I just - had a really bad night." Irvine said quietly before making a move that indicated that he was going to give Cloud a blow-job.

Cloud didn't want to stop Irvine, but he couldn't help himself. This wasn't right. He did have some compassion for the man, after all. "Irvine, don't do that. Keep your hands there but come and kiss me."

Cloud thought he saw relief in those sharp blue eyes before they closed as Irvine enveloped Cloud's mouth in a hungry kiss. If nothing else they at least still kissed with a lot of passion and enjoyment. Irvine had unskilled hands, but no matter how clumsy at keeping the right pressure and rhythm, he kept going until the tightness in Cloud's abdomen was too much to bare.

"Irvine - I'm gonna -," it was meant as a warning, to prepare the other man. It was purely out of courtesy. Cloud didn't expect anything else. But Irvine moved down in a flash and without any hesitation placed his mouth over Cloud's erection.

He sucked and swirled his tongue the way that Cloud had done many times before to him. The pleasure that Cloud received from this sudden change of warmth and pressure was too much. Cloud tried to hold on for a few fractions of a second more. He wanted to enjoy having a mouth on him, but instead he released himself with a powerful shudder which rippled through the entirety of his body.

Irvine tried his best to swallow the liquid, but instead ran out to probably spit it out. Cloud couldn't care right now as he rode out his ecstasy. It had been so long since he last felt this surge of release in his body. He wanted to savor it, for who knew when he might come again.

Once Irvine returned Cloud had already cleaned himself up. He smiled warmly at Irvine and held the blanket up so the other man could slide in next to him. Cloud felt happier and closer to Irvine than he had in a long time. Something icy and hard in his heart melted a little bit. Perhaps he wasn't so disgusting after all.

"You really didn't have to do that, you know."

"I really did," came Irvine's curt reply.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cloud offered politely once again.

Irvine looked at Cloud, scanning his face, probably for sincerity but just shook his head when he couldn't find any.

"Let's just get some sleep."


	18. Farewell

**Chapter 18**

 _Farewell_

Summary:

 _Roxas keeps a promise._

* * *

Months passed by, the seasons changed, and Roxas grew restless. He was happy, no doubt about it. He loved the work he did. He had managed to negotiate some pretty good deals for his soup kitchen, so the net loss wasn't overwhelming. He even found volunteer staff to help him out. The money he earned from _The Turtle Paradise_ went straight back into helping others. Roxas couldn't be happier.

Or so he thought.

It grew on his mind, slowly but steadily. The guilt expanded an insignificant bit with each passing day, until it had accumulated into something significant. Every sunrise would add another drop into the bucket. The weight increased and became burdensome.

Was he waiting today? Right now? Looking out for him?

 _Axel_.

He had already waited 100 days. Those 100 days turned into 101, 102, 126, 159, 185. 200. Roxas counted. Even when he promised himself he wouldn't, he still counted.

Roxas watched his brother get better. He was functioning again, and Roxas no longer needed to be there for him at night. He could devote himself back to his work and his purpose, and he had done that. But somewhere down around day 310 his heart felt too heavy. His bucket had filled up and was spilling over. He needed to empty it before all the joy in his life became saturated with guilt and destroyed him.

Roxas made the choice to return to Radiant Gardens long before he told anyone about it. He had taken his time to prepare himself, physically and emotionally. Roxas reflected on the actions he had taken over the last two and a half years that he had been in Wutai.

He had learned to drive from Selphie. He had worked hard and bought himself a bike. He had learned from Cloud how to maintain and look after it. He had spent long summers out camping in the wilderness. Sometimes with Yuffie but mostly by himself. If Roxas thought about it, he had probably been preparing himself for this journey well before he ever had realized it himself.

He first brought it up with Cloud, who was out tinkering away on Fenrir.

"I need to go back, Cloud. I need to see him."

"I don't want to hear that from you, Rox. Needing is no good. You should only go back out of want and not out of obligation."

Something about this conversation felt familiar to Roxas. "I made a promise. To him and to you. But I think it was the same promise - to live my life and make my own decisions. So I'm doing that. I've thought about it for a long time. I'm happy with my choice, and I'd like you to be happy for it too."

Cloud put his tools down and looked at Roxas.

After some hesitation words formed on his lips."I'm going to miss you." Cloud winced, "Terribly."

Roxas smiled. "Well, I'll either be back sooner than you know, or you'll join me at Radiant Gardens. I still remember your recovery plan, do you?"

"Get back to Zack," affirmed Cloud but with no trace of a smile on his face.

Roxas took note. "If you don't want to go back to Radiant Gardens that's fine too, Cloud. If - if Zack isn't so important in your life anymore that's fine. I'm sure he'd be happy to know that you have found your own happiness down here, with Irvine." Roxas thought he saw his brother grimace before he turned away to begin tending to his bike once more.

"No, I still want to go back. I just don't think I'm ready yet."

"I bet Zack will be happy whenever you do get back." Roxas didn't want to make Cloud feel bad or guilty like Roxas was feeling about his own promise to Axel.

"You know they'll be upset. And not just because you'll be skipping out on letting them throw you a birthday party."

"Oh yeah. I hadn't thought of that." Roxas grinned sheepishly and rubbed his head in embarrassment. "Is my travel date that obvious?"

Cloud nodded and smiled. "You were always the romantic out of the two of us."

* * *

Roxas had found the courage to tell everyone, with one month to spare. It had been over dinner whilst everyone was gathered around.

Selphie and Rinoa yelled at him, declaring that this in no way was enough time to prepare. They then promptly cleared the table, busying themselves with planning the farewell party.

With a heavy heart Roxas thought about how much he was going to miss them. But given the time frame he figured he would still have plenty of time to spent with everyone before he left.

Yuffie had been upset and run off while Roxas was detained by Barret who wanted to know whether there was anything specifically he wanted to have taken care of while he was away. Roxas liked the way Barret talked.

It didn't feel like goodbye.

Roxas finally extracted himself from the conversation to go in search of Yuffie. He felt bad. He should have told her in private, like he had with Cloud. But, truth was that he had been scared.

Roxas went to Yuffie's room and let himself in. It was predictably empty, but Roxas knew where to find her. He walked to the back and climbed up the tiered bookcase, lifting the hatch on the ceiling.

He found her in the attic crawling space, where she always went when she was sulking.

Yuffie was sitting curled in on herself by the round porthole window looking out into the alley below. They had spent many nights up here. It had been their ninja cave at first. But gradually it had also become the place where they had first kissed and eventually where they had first explored each others bodies.

"Why do you have to go?" came the whine.

"We talked about this before. You know I made a promise to someone."

"Yeah, yeah. But you don't even care about him anymore. You should just stay here and help me find more treasure. You should stay here and keep running the soup kitchen. There are so many people who need it and need _you_." Yuffie untangled herself and stretched out across the tatami floor she had installed years ago.

"You'll make sure it stays up and running while I'm gone, won't you?" Roxas sat next to her, looking down at her face.

"Yeah, yeah." She waved her hand about carelessly. "You don't need to worry when Ninja Yuffie is on the case."

Roxas smiled.

He knew that this was hard on her. It was also hard on him. They had really grown up together, emotionally.

At first everything had been in jest. Everything had been a game and fun. But one day, whilst irritated over Yuffie's constant need to run off to find treasure instead of staying put and facing reality, Roxas had realized that this was her way of coping. Selphie had her need to plan and hold constant events to cheer everyone up, and Yuffie had the need to go on adventures; to find rare and exotic items of power that didn't exist, so she could feel like she was doing something to help her nation recover itself.

Roxas had never met anyone who cared so much about an entire country's people and its national pride. Yuffie had regaled Roxas on multiple occasions with stories about Wutai before everything turned bad. She had never been alive during those times but her mother and grandmother had filled her with tales of honor and mysticism. Once they died and she was left alone with her father and saw him acquiesce and relent to the terms of surrender, she had become embittered and disillusioned.

Roxas had spent many hours trying to make her see the greater good in her father's decisions. He tried to make her see that the way she felt about her people and her country was the same way that Godo felt about them. They just had two very different approaches to fixing the hurts of the past.

He realized in the end that she knew that this was the best outcome for the country in an otherwise terrible situation. But she had to rebel against it any chance she got because she just couldn't handle to accept it just yet. And it had warmed Roxas' heart, because he knew he was the exact same way when he felt passionate about something.

Roxas hoped she would be able to accept him leaving. She seemed like someone who didn't deal well with change. They weren't dating. Both were abundantly clear on that. But they were the best of friends and loved each other dearly.

At some point it had dawned on Roxas that this was probably the same way Zack and Aerith had been, but Zack had been unable to explain it to him. This was something you only really understood when it happened to you, he supposed.

Roxas lay down next to her and interlaced his fingers with hers.

"We had a lot of fun up here."

"The best," she agreed.

Silence stretched between them until Yuffie suddenly lifted herself and lay her head on Roxas' chest.

"Please don't go," she whispered.

Roxas felt the sting in his eyes which was the precursor for his own tears. Roxas wrapped an arm around her slender frame and stroked her hair with his other hand.

"We'll always be the best of friends, Yuffie. And I'll come back and see you, and we'll go explore that cave at the bottom of Mount Misen." Roxas could feel his shirt getting soaked by her tears, which only caused his own tears to start rolling out.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Yuffie suddenly snapped up with her ninja reflexes and was on top of Roxas in a flash, straddling his hips and both arms at either side of his head. Her face was fierce, the tears only reinforcing rather than subtracting from the intensity. Roxas smiled up at her, remembering how that very action had resulted in their first kiss a bit over a year ago.

"Even if you fall in love? Even if you go back to him and he decides to marry you and you have a bazillion babies together, you _swear_ that you'll come back?"

"I don't think we're gonna have _babies-_ ," Roxas laughed through his tears.

"Ah-ah-ah. That's beside the point. Do you _swear_?!" Yuffie lifted one of her hands in front of Roxas' face, making a fist and extending her pinkie.

Roxas swallowed hard. Pinkie swears were never broken with Yuffie. Or she would come and kill you.

Roxas thought hard about it.

He looked up into her brown eyes and the way her hair always perfectly framed her face. He loved her. She was his best friend. He didn't want there to be a day when they didn't know each other. Roxas wrapped his pinkie around hers.

"Swear."

* * *

Roxas' farewell in the end came way too soon. Judging by how massive it was Roxas was concerned that everyone would get the wrong impression. He was fully intending to come back, but this felt like a 'farewell _forever'_ party.

Selphie and Rinoa had set up an entire field with activities, food stalls, live entertainment and the guest list was huge. They had invited everyone Roxas had ever met in Wutai. Or that's what it felt like to Roxas at least. All the important people in his life where there, however. And that was the vital thing.

Roxas felt like a hot celebrity. Everyone wanted to speak with him and spend time with him. He spent time with Sheng and Fen, and all their best customers had come along too, to wish Roxas all the best and lament how much they would miss his cooking. They had begged him to cook them one last meal, which made Roxas laugh at how morbid it sounded, but he had obliged them. He took over one of the food stalls and cooked a big batch of his best ramen recipe. Roxas was quite happy to make today all about everyone else and to let them have the best possible memories.

Roxas was always surrounded by a group of people. Whether it was those who came to his soup kitchen, or those he saw during his WRT duties. The day passed in a blur and in the evening the fireworks started.

Roxas sat surrounded by all the people most precious to him, watching the sky light up. As the night suddenly brightened with reds and greens it made Roxas realize that he was making the right decision. One important person wasn't here to share this with him, and it needed to be rectified.

* * *

Cloud and Roxas had spent their last night together in their pillow fort. It was surreal. They were finally going to be apart after so many years. No longer in each others hair. No longer reliant on one another.

"Are you scared? Because I am," admitted Cloud. "I'm scared for you. Of something bad happening to you. I'm scared of how I'll ever cope without you."

"I'm scared about the exact same things. I'm scared of being away from everyone I know. I'm scared of being without you. I'm also scared of what it will mean when I go to that clock tower and Axel isn't there." Roxas laughed nervously. "I'm also scared of what happens when I get there and Axel _is_ there. Does that seem silly to you?"

It soothed Cloud to hear his brother being realistic. He didn't seem so naive as he once had been about the reality and nature of people.

"I think you've done a lot of growing up in Wutai. Maybe you'll be alright."

"What a confidence boost."

Both laughed softly.

"I want you to call me, Cloud. I want to hear your voice and that everything is ok."

"You want me to call you every second hour?" teased Cloud, remembering the past paranoia and worry that drove Cloud to become overly vigilant.

Roxas thought about it for a moment. "That's actually a great idea. It's about time you learned how irritating that was." Roxas flashed his brother a devilish grin, causing Cloud to laugh.

"You have no idea how many times _you_ ruined special moments between Zack and me, with your punctual phone calls."

Cloud became lost in fond memories as Roxas sniggered gleefully.

"Serves you right."

"I'll give you a taste of your own medicine. Just you watch. I'll find the perfect moment to ruin on your birthday."

Roxas attacked Cloud with fingertips poised to find the ticklishest of spots. The brothers wrestled and tickled each other playfully for a bit, digging fingers into creveases and forcing each other into headlocks, before settling down once again, huffing with airy glee.

Roxas breathed in deeply and gazed at the dark ceiling thinking about his impending journey. The easy smile slowly slipped from Roxas' face.

"While I'm up there I thought I'd visit Zack," Roxas said carefully, gauging his brothers reaction out of the corner of his eye. "Do you want me to tell Zack anything about you? How you're doing? You want me to give him anything?"

The lightness which Cloud had felt was all of a sudden smothered by a great sadness filling his heart. "I just -."

There were so many messages, thoughts and feelings that Cloud wanted to let Zack know. Cloud so desperately wanted to know if Zack cared. If Zack still thought of him. He didn't even care so much about _love_. But he just wanted to know that he had meant something to Zack and still lingered in his heart, the way in which Zack still lingered in his. It was embarrassing to say those words to Roxas though.

Also, if he couldn't even call the man to tell him himself, he certainly wasn't going to make Roxas his errand boy.

Cloud shook his head.

"Should I tell him you'll be seeing him soon? Or do you want to stay here with Irvine?"

Roxas had said it with the best possible intention. Cloud knew that, but he felt an involuntary rise of anger within himself. "I don't want to stay here. But I also can't go back."

"You're still stuck in _limbo_?" Roxas remembered what Cloud had confessed to him so long ago now. "Irvine doesn't make you happy?"

"He's alright. But I think you were wrong, Rox. I think I found my favorite person a long time ago. It's just not the same, and will never be the same as with -" Cloud couldn't finish the sentence - because for a brief moment his heart wasn't sure whose name should fit in there. A deep shudder went through his soul.

"Then come with me, Cloud. We'll both go tomorrow. We'll race each other, and have a good time. And I'll go see Axel and you can go see Zack." Roxas began sounding quite excited. It was hard for Cloud not to get caught up in it.

"I can't."

"Why not?" Roxas sat up and looked down at his brother with stern eyes. "I'm getting a bit sick of seeing you making yourself a prisoner of your past. Just let it go and stop thinking so much."

"I can't," came the same response, only more strained.

"I think that's always been the difference between you and me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I get overly emotional, but I get over things pretty easily. But you? You keep your stone-wall up when inside you're an emotional mess. It's not good to keep that stuff in, Cloud. It sits inside and festers. It rots you from the inside out," huffed Roxas, while placing a pointed finger over Cloud's breast.

"Zack was so good for you. He somehow opened you up. He let you get that gunk out and you were so much better for it. You need someone like that in your life."

"I don't want to need _anyone_ in my life," snapped Cloud, sitting upright so he could glare at Roxas more menacingly.

"There's nothing wrong with needing people, Cloud. Plenty of people need each other."

" _You_ don't seem to need anyone. Zack - Zack doesn't need anyone. But here I am, needing you both."

Roxas just looked at Cloud, feeling tears gathering inside his skull.

"You _really_ don't think I need anyone? You _really_ think I'm _that_ strong?" Roxas was baffled. He didn't realize Cloud ever thought of him like that. "Of course I need people. I need you. I'll always need you."

' _Then why do you have to go?_ ' thought Cloud and his chest rose with a painful inhale of air. But he couldn't say it. He didn't want to sabotage Roxas' chance at a happy and normal life.

"I'll stay," Roxas said quietly, all of a sudden. "If that's what you want then I'll stay for you, Cloud."

Cloud felt a bitter sadness well inside himself. He longed for that so much. To have Roxas stay.

"No. You've grown up, and it's not right for me to keep you any more than I already have. I've got Irvine. I'll make it work somehow. And you have a promise to keep."

Roxas, for the first time, felt skeptical about whether having pushed Cloud into this relationship with Irvine had been a good idea.

"So what should I tell Zack?" Roxas prompted again as he really wasn't sure what his brother intended to do anymore.

Cloud searched his heart. And his soul. He had to go back to Radiant Gardens. He just _had_ to. For Zack, for -. Cloud breathed in deeply. "Tell him that I will see him again one day. I promise."

* * *

The morning of Roxas' departure was rough on him. He rose with the sun and continued to count. ' _Three-hundred-and-sixty-two_ '. Roxas had packed everything two days in advance so there were no last preparations to make. All that was left to do was have breakfast and say goodbye.

Everyone from their little team was around the table, having pancakes and bacon for breakfast. They relentlessly teased Roxas over all past blunders which Roxas had hoped would have been forgotten about by now. He had been thoroughly embarrassed by the end of breakfast, but it served as a reminder for everyone how much they would miss his presence.

Roxas had received small farewell gifts from his friends. Small charms for a safe journey, some of Roxas' favorite food rations, some cool stickers to decorate his bike with, a new bike helmet from Cloud, and a vicious punch in the arm from Yuffie, to ' _remember_ ' her by, as she had said cheerfully.

Roxas gave everyone a big hug. Biggest of all for Yuffie and Cloud.

He wiped the tears out of his eyes as he mounted his bike.

This was incredibly difficult. He really did feel like he was never going to see them again. He didn't want to lose them, didn't want to forget them like he had forgotten Axel. Roxas had never felt so torn in two. He was home, right now. Wutai was his home. Before him stood his family. But he was also missing an integral piece of that family too.

He would return. No matter what. It was settled.

Roxas briefly fished through his jacket pocket and pulled out his phone.

"Alright, everyone! Look natural!"

* * *

 **Author Notes** :

Roxas' story continues in part 3 - The Clock Tower.

You can find links to all parts of this series on my profile page.

Please leave reviews if you've enjoyed this fic and series.


	19. What's In A Name?

**Author Notes:**

Extremely mature content ahead.

 **Chapter 19**

 _What's In A Name?_

Summary:

 _Cloud's mind is somewhere it really shouldn't be._

* * *

Cloud had managed to stay strong. He had held it together. All of last night, all of today. He has focused on his duties. He had jested and bantered with the girls and not even Cid had reprimanded him and told him to ' _get his head out of the clouds_ ' - a turn of phrase which irritated Cloud as much as it amused the old geezer.

All distractions however were gone as he shut the world out behind him at the end of the day. He leaned heavily against his bedroom door. The place seemed deafeningly silent without Roxas there to cause havoc and noise pollution in conjunction with Yuffie and Selphie.

Cloud felt his bottom lip quiver as eyes fell on the pillow fort which the brothers had failed to tidy up. Cloud thought that suited him just fine however. He eased his body into the duvet and piled Roxas' favorite pillows onto his face and body, breathing in his brothers lingering scent. Cloud sobbed and pushed the pillow more firmly onto his face to trap the sounds that emanated from his chest.

After a while a knock vibrated at Cloud's door through the thick silence. He wished desperately that the door would be unceremoniously pushed open with complete disregard for Cloud's privacy. He wanted to see Roxas standing there, laughing at Cloud because the whole ' _leaving for Radiant Gardens_ ' had been an elaborate joke.

He couldn't insist on Roxas staying, but he still wished his brother had talked Cloud into letting him stay. A small part of Cloud even wished that Roxas had made a bigger effort in trying to convince Cloud to come along. But neither had happened. And the door didn't open either until Cloud invited whoever it was in.

Irvine's head appeared through the gap in the door.

* * *

When he spotted Cloud on the floor surrounded by bedding he joined him, sitting down. Irvine remained quiet for a while, stroking blonde hair, listening to Cloud trying to suppress his crying.

Their relationship (despite Cloud not wanting to call it that) had gotten better. After Irvine had done the thing he had been most terrified of doing, Cloud had warmed up to him, in some indescribable way. Irvine couldn't put his finger on what exactly it was. But that glimpse of affection made Irvine do for Cloud what Cloud did for him more often.

He was always really put off by the semen. It had to be one of the worst substances in the world. Irvine marveled at how Cloud could just swallow it like it was water. He had a feeling that Cloud got a bit annoyed at Irvine's refusal to kiss him after a blow-job, but if Cloud wasn't going to speak up about it Irvine thought it mustn't be _such_ big a deal.

Besides, it wasn't like Irvine didn't harbor his own irritations towards his partner. He had long given up on seeing Cloud naked. He had long given up attempting to run his fingers underneath Cloud's shirt. It was actually a major point of contention between the two of them. Irvine had tried to surprise Cloud while the man was taking a shower one time, and it had not ended well.

Irvine accepted that they both had their own hang-ups. If Irvine couldn't swallow come, or bring himself to kiss the other man after just having received a blow-job then Cloud could keep his body hidden from Irvine without giving an explanation.

It was only fair.

Irvine was pulled out of his thoughts when Cloud removed the pillow from his face. Puffy red eyes with tears still spilling out greeted him. Irvine's heart clenched and ached for Cloud. He felt so sorry for him in this moment. He knew how important Roxas was to him. He was the only family Cloud had left and that made Roxas an impossibly precious person.

"You'll see him again," tried Irvine, soothingly. He never knew how much or how little Cloud wanted to talk.

"I feel so proud of him for heading out into the world on his own. But I'm also terrified because he's heading out into the world on his own. I don't know what to do without him in my life. It feels so hollow." Cloud's eyes shut in pain and sobs started to escape his throat again.

Cloud pulled the pillow over his face once more.

"Anything you want me to do?" Irvine swallowed hard.

For some reason their relationship seemed to hinge on sex. Well - Irvine knew _why_ it hinged on sex, but he had hoped that by now they could have moved on and made deeper connections. Irvine was still hopeful that he could turn Cloud around into accepting that there was a ' _we_ '. He wanted for Cloud to acknowledge that what they had wasn't _just_ because it was convenient for both of them.

But every time when things went wrong - when things hurt too much, they always distracted themselves by getting lost in each other's bodies, instead of talking about it. It was good, and fun, especially lately, but Irvine also worried about doing the one thing they hadn't done yet.

It hung and loomed over Irvine's head, especially when Cloud was feeling extremely vulnerable. Like right now. Irvine knew it was the one thing Cloud really wanted. They never spoke about it, but Irvine wasn't completely stupid. He was however also a little bit scared that what they had right now might end if he gave Cloud what he wanted.

The crying only seemed to intensify as a response to the question, which Irvine had posed. It drifted to Irvine's ears, causing sadness to flood his body.

"Oh Cloud." He made soothing hushing noises and laid down next to him, pulling Cloud into an embrace. Cloud resisted for a moment but Irvine's insistence caused Cloud to give in, drop the pillow and relax against the others arms.

"Saying goodbye hurts too much," whimpered Cloud through his tears. "What am I going to do now? I never thought my life would be like this. I never thought I'd be without him."

Irvine had seen Cloud angry, sullen, moody, irritable, even depressed. But never so deeply wounded, lost and feeling abandoned.

"Y-you want me to -." Irvine hoped Cloud knew what he meant. He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Please," begged Cloud.

Irvine didn't feel right about this, but the discomfort of seeing Cloud so desperately sad was even more unbearable. Irvine ran his hands down Cloud's body, planting gentle kisses along Cloud's neck.

Irvine felt Cloud shift closer to him. The feel of Cloud's hands against his own body helped to encourage Irvine. It let him know that Cloud was ok with this. As if to prove the point further, Cloud searched out Irvine's lips to capture them once Irvine had drifted up closer to Cloud's jawline and cheeks.

Cloud opened his mouth invitingly, which always lit a fire deep in Irvine's belly. It was a physical manifestation of the dances he had with his targets through the sniper scope. It was the burning intimacy he felt he could never get from all those he watched.

Cloud and Irvine's tongues danced together, tracing and chasing each other. Longing for each other, urging the other to go further. The hunger that Irvine felt for Cloud seemed to never be satiated. He wanted the other man to love him. He wanted to please Cloud so that the man would be able to accept Irvine into his life.

Irvine had always stood apart from others. He had always felt outcast growing up. That's why he guessed he had gravitated towards sharp shooting. If he had to sit on the outside looking in, he might as well make a living from it. But the isolation did place a heavy toll on him.

Some days he even hated himself for what he had done to people. He felt bad for getting so close to someone, only to end them - and end the vibrant lives they had probably lead. No matter how bad a person they might have been. Those thoughts ate Irvine up at night. But it felt a million times better knowing he had someone to bury himself in. Cloud was his comfort against the unpleasantness of what and who he was.

He supposed he owed Cloud. That's what had gotten him to finally face one of his fears when he decided to pleasure Cloud. It had been a brutal night, riddled with self doubt after a very long and elaborate dance. Irvine had desperately needed Cloud. He had been so overwhelmingly overjoyed at finding the man in his bed. He was always there. Irvine never had to be afraid of being alone anymore.

Thinking about it now made Irvine realize that it was also what Cloud needed from him. But where Irvine was content to just kiss and get sucked off, Cloud needed more. Cloud needed Irvine to be a man, instead of a big sissy. But he didn't know where to start.

Irvine pulled Cloud's pants down gingerly while they continued to kiss deeply. Cloud also busied himself with the front of Irvine's pants, unbuckling his belt. The fly was deftly undone shortly after, and warm hands were on Irvine's growing erection, pumping him. Both men kissed eagerly and pushed their hips against each other. Pants were completely discarded after a few more moments and Irvine was left straddling Cloud's thighs and looking a little bit clueless.

"I don't know where to go from here," confessed Irvine.

The admission caused a small huff of amusement out of Cloud, and Irvine received chills of joy from that sound. It helped to relax him somewhat too. If this was going to make Cloud happy he was going to see it through to the end.

"You just push yourself in, like you would do with a woman."

"This is hardly the same as with a woman. You can't tell me otherwise. I know you've never been with one," chided Irvine nervously.

Another more softer laugh was pulled somewhere deep out of Cloud.

"You got me there."

Cloud leaned up, wrapping his arms around Irvine's bare bottom and pulled him closer to himself until Irvine's erection was in sucking distance. Irvine was still confused but let out soft moans as Cloud's hot, wet tongue surrounded him. Irvine never really liked to look at Cloud when he was busying himself around Irvine's groin, but now he watched. The blonde locks pushed and fluttered against Irvine's stomach as Cloud bobbed his head up and down. Something about it was actually quite sexy.

Cloud released Irvine's shaft, glistening and dripping with saliva. The sight of Irvine's erection coming out of Cloud's mouth and the ruddy cheeks that looked up at him tightened Irvine's stomach into knots. He didn't want Cloud to stop. But Cloud had, and he indicated that he wanted Irvine to move. They repositioned themselves so Irvine was between Cloud's spread legs. There was a burning hunger in Cloud's eyes and he grabbed Irvine's hand and moved it towards his anus.

Irvine though freaked out and pulled his hand away. "What are you doing?"

Cloud's brow furrowed and he looked like he was about to say something but then changed his mind. Cloud changed tact and instead pushed Irvine's penis towards himself. Hips rocked up and Irvine's head made contact with Cloud's opening, gently pushing against each other.

"Are you ready? You just push in, all the way, and then out again. Nothing to it."

"And that's gonna feel good for you?" Irvine was so skeptical. He knew men screwed like this but he couldn't understand why. A woman was so much easier.

"It's going to feel good for me," came Cloud's assurance.

"Ok," breathed Irvine deeply. He wanted to do this for Cloud. He wanted to be closer to him, and if this is what it took -

Irvine pushed in.

The tightness was overwhelming.

The heat eternally gratifying.

And oh god the _friction_!

His stomach came alive with butterflies, and shivers of pleasure ran through him. Irvine lost focus of everything but the squeeze around his shaft. He pushed himself all the way in, hard, and moaned when his soft hair and flesh made flush contact with Cloud's backside.

Cloud was also moaning.

Irvine looked down at the man, hoping that everything was alright. The delight on his face faltered when he saw Cloud grimacing in pain.

"Shit, Cloud! Are you ok? Am I hurting you?" asked Irvine in a panic. He went to pull himself out but Cloud stopped him.

"No - no. It's fine." A bright smile danced on Cloud's face despite the labored breathing. "Just in - and - out," breathed Cloud heavily.

Irvine obliged him, not feeling completely certain that Cloud _was_ alright. But - if Cloud said it was ok, who was Irvine to argue with him? It's not like Irvine had any idea how this was supposed to work.

He watched Cloud sharply while he pulled himself out a little and back in. The pleasure Irvine received was too enormous for him to keep staring at Cloud for too much longer however.

Irvine moaned softly at first, but with every deep thrust into Cloud he moaned a little louder. He loved women, but this was exquisite. Irvine forgot about everything else and lost himself in the sensation around his erection and his building orgasm.

Cloud's moans eventually joined Irvine's, particularly once Irvine shifted to deliver shallower thrusts. Cloud's reactions to every time Irvine pushed himself into Cloud at that certain angle made Irvine grind deeper and harder. He began moving faster, egged on by Cloud's cries.

Irvine felt a touch on his hand. He looked down, not even having realized that he had squeezed his eyes shut from the intense pleasure. Cloud looked gorgeous. Hair all mussed, red cheeks against pale skin. But - were those tears?

Irvine stopped abruptly. "Are you ok, Cloud?" He lifted his hand to Cloud's face to feel damp cheeks. The headiness his pleasure inflicted lifted instantly.

"It just feels so good, Irvine. I've wanted this for so long. Don't stop now." Cloud squeezed out another smile and his eyes rolled back in pleasure as Irvine's hips began rolling and pushing once again. He kept more of a careful eye on Cloud now though. Something seemed wrong, no matter how delicious this felt to him. Cloud once again touched Irvine's hand and encouraged him to stroke Cloud's erection while he was pumping inside of him.

If Irvine hadn't needed his other hand to support his weight he would have slapped himself upside the head with it. Of course. That's what was wrong. Cloud still needed to be looked after. Irvine really wished Cloud would be more verbal and explain himself at times.

Well Cloud certainly did turn more verbal once Irvine began stroking his erection in rhythm to his thrusts. Irvine felt like he was playing a musical instrument where the timing had to be just right. And when it was, the sound was heavenly.

Irvine found himself slumping his head onto Cloud's shoulder as he began edging ever closer and closer to his orgasm. The way he was pumping Cloud became more erratic and Irvine lost himself as he climaxed. He slammed one final and hard time into Cloud, burying himself as deeply as he could and gave small nudges with his hips as the waves of pleasure kept rolling over him.

"Cloud," he whined in desperate delight, breathing and panting heavily. He continued pumping Cloud's erection, while the waves were still crashing over him. Irvine felt the tight squeeze of muscles around his softening and spent erection, still inside of Cloud, and hot liquid squirted and covered his hand when Cloud finally also climaxed.

"Za-ck!" came Cloud's husky, broken cry. Hands clutched around Irvine's shirt, pulling him as close as Cloud could get him.

 _Zack..._? Irvine heard nothing but that name and their labored breathing reverberate around his head.


	20. The Punishment

**Author Notes:**

Extremely mature content ahead. It gets really uncomfortable.

 **Chapter 20**

 _The Punishment_

Summary:

 _Cloud has found a new coping strategy, and he teaches Irvine all the wrong things._

* * *

Cloud had been really uncomfortable the day after. It had hurt after all, and it had brought back a lot of uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. He had been waiting for that moment for so long that he didn't have the heart to tell Irvine. He didn't want to scare the other man off. Cloud had known if he had introduced the concept of fingering and stretching that Irvine would have run for the hills - and Cloud had really needed what Irvine had given him. He couldn't wait another two years for Irvine to get comfortable with the idea of preparation.

Both men had avoided each other the following day.

Cloud knew he had said the wrong thing. But after the pain was replaced by pleasure, Cloud's mind had naturally just drifted towards Zack, and the way he had always been so careful and loving. Cloud, just as he began to climax, had felt like he was with Zack again. It was only the briefest of moments but it had been enough for him to utter that name.

He had been mortified once he realized what he had done. Irvine also had seemed uncomfortable and left Cloud to sleep alone. And yet, Cloud had found that he had slept a lot better that night than in a very long time. He had hurt, and he knew from experience that it would hurt even worse in the morning - but he slept like a log.

Cloud had felt anxious about running into Irvine. It was unavoidable, since they lived right next to each other. Cloud however didn't see Irvine until the day of Roxas' birthday, three days later.

Cloud had been up for a while, thinking about his brother and worrying about whether or not he would find what he was looking for. Cloud had prepared breakfast for everyone and watched as people slowly trickled down the stairs, as well as in from the outside. Everyone had agreed to meet up extra early to wish Roxas a _Happy Birthday_ over the phone.

When Irvine had walked in Cloud decided that this would be the best time to call his brother. He wasn't sure if he was feeling nervous to hear from Roxas or whether he was nervous due to the other man being in the room, but there was definitely some anxiety flying around.

Cloud had to hold the phone far away from his ear when Roxas picked up, screaming loudly, " _Cloud! You bastard!_ "

Cloud laughed wholeheartedly once he was able to put the phone back next to his ear without getting his eardrum damaged. "What? I'm just ringing to check up on my little brother, like you wanted me to. Did I catch you at a bad time?" teased Cloud.

Revenge was certainly sweet.

" _The worst time. Are we even now?_ " came Roxas' demanding yet cheerful voice.

"Not by a long shot. I take it Axel's there."

Axel's voice reached through the phone as confirmation." _Sup, Spiky!_ "

Irritation still rippled through Cloud's body at that nickname and the memory of the redhead. Cloud truly didn't understand what Roxas saw in him. He was about to say something he might later regret but Yuffie jumped up all of a sudden.

"Did you say ' _Axel_ '? Cloud! I need to set this good-for-nothing freak of a lover, straight, ya hear me?" Yuffie lept near Cloud, hand outstretched, "Give it here!"

Yuffie had never been more endearing to Cloud than at that very moment. Perhaps he could have an ally in the girl if they both disliked Axel enough. He handed her the phone and left her to hurl out her abuse.

He always suspected that Yuffie and Roxas had a very close and possibly intimate relationship. It made Cloud sometimes wonder if he should try to be with a woman too. He always dismissed the idea however. He was pretty certain he was 100% gay. He could appreciate the aesthetics of women, no problem, but the idea of soft skin and vagina's did nothing for him. He liked receiving, and unless he found himself a woman who liked using dildo's he wasn't going to get any satisfaction.

Cloud roused out of his thoughts, feeling his face begin to heat up. Just thinking about it was embarrassing to him. He watched as the phone was passed around so everyone could impart their birthday wishes.

Selphie seemed to be laying the guilt on particularly heavy. The girl did love to plan events and parties, and she was damn good at it as well. Cloud had to give her that. She probably felt like she had been robbed, despite having organized and hosted a massive celebration only six days ago.

Cloud was happy that they had found this group of people. It had been good for Roxas after all.

Cloud watched as Yuffie commandeered his cell phone once more. His eyes drifted across the room to rest on Irvine who was busy sipping his usual morning coffee and reading a newspaper. Cloud supposed that coming here had also been good for him in some small way.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Yuffie who pushed the phone into Cloud's chest. Cloud thanked the girl before addressing Roxas once more.

"Happy birthday, Rox. I hope you have a great time."

" _Thanks, Cloud. I think I will. How are you holding up?_ "

"I'm fine, Roxas," said Cloud. It wasn't even a lie. Things were - fine. But he suddenly felt exhausted just thinking about having to explain himself to his brother. "Have a great day."

Cloud was about to hang up when he heard his actual name being called out by Axel's voice. It gave him pause.

" _Yo Cloud, you should give Zack a call. He misses you, ya know. I can give you his number if you need it. He hasn't change it though._ "

' _Zack_ ' - Cloud's heart winced at the mention of that name aloud. He had to apologize to Irvine.

"I don't need it, but thanks, Axel. I'll talk to you later, Rox." Cloud hung up before anything more could be said on the matter.

* * *

Breakfast had been its usual affair after that. They had all been given their job assignments for the day and each headed out when they were ready. Cloud caught Irvine when the man was heading out to collect metal from the scrap yard.

"Irvine, mind if I ride with you? I've been assigned to Cid's workshop." Cloud had lately been tasked a lot with getting the old rust buckets working again, much to Cloud's delight.

"Sure," was Irvine's indifferent response.

The scrapyard wasn't very far away but the trip still felt long to Cloud as he worked up his courage. ' _Just be brave, Cloud_ ' he told himself, swallowing hard.

"I'm really sorry about the other night, Irvine."

Irvine was silent for a moment, seemingly thinking hard. "What are you apologizing for?" Irvine seemed genuinely baffled.

"I - the name…" muttered Cloud.

"Oh, that! Have you been avoiding me because of that?" Irvine laughed in relief. "Geez man, forget about that. I made you bleed. I need to apologize to _you_ instead. I've been feeling so awful about it. I thought you were mad about that. I didn't even realize, Cloud. You should have told me. That kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen. I don't know much but I do know that blood is bad."

"I- didn't realize either, until the next morning."

Cloud had bled. He should have really expected it but he had forgotten that this was a thing that usually happened. He had only truly realized the next morning and thinking about it now he couldn't imagine how freaked out Irvine would have been on discovery. He had probably been covered in blood. Cloud felt his stomach churn in guilt. Their avoidance had definitely been mutual, but for completely different reasons.

The relief between the two of them was palpable.

"Despite the blood - it was pretty good though, right? You'd do it again, yeah?" Cloud looked at his chauffeur with hope. Thinking about it now the blood had probably made the whole situation better, because it added some much needed lubrication.

Cloud felt uncomfortable at memories of waiting for the bleeding to start to make it all easier. He hated that he was reminded of his past so much lately, and the weird and unexpected ways those memories manifested themselves.

"It was pretty incredible. I'd like to do it again, if you're up for it." Irvine pulled over into the scrapyard. They had arrived.

"Yeah. I'll see you tonight?"

The cowboy nodded, cheeks reddening slightly.

* * *

Cloud had waited for Irvine. He had stretched himself, not wanting to cause Irvine to freak out again. It had been weird and uncomfortable. Cloud didn't even know if he had done it right. He had tried to think back on what Zack had done, causing him another bout of heartache. He preferred to just be fucked and live with the consequences later rather than having to do this so awkwardly in the bathroom. Cloud had briefly wondered if he could talk Irvine into just accepting the blood. But probably not.

Irvine had come in tired and exhausted but it didn't stop them from kissing each other, and kissing always lead to rutting and grinding. Irvine still showed his concern when he pushed into Cloud. Cloud still winced from the pain but he kept reassuring Irvine.

Cloud did however stop Irvine from doing what he did last time. Cloud actively prevented Irvine from thrusting into him in such a way that would give Cloud pleasure. Cloud had felt terrible for having felt so good. He had felt like he betrayed Zack for getting so much pleasure from another man. And then not even being able to get that man's name right as he came? It was really unacceptable.

So Cloud instructed Irvine on how to inflict him with the maximum amount of pain. Because Cloud deserved that. He always felt like he deserved that, and finally had a way to attain it.

He forced out smiles every time Irvine looked at him. How he hated seeing Irvine worry about him. Why couldn't the man just lose himself and enjoy Cloud's arse like Sephiroth had? That man had never cared, so why did Irvine have to? The pain made Cloud angry and he knew it. But he forced it down, because this wasn't Irvine's fault. It was Cloud's fault.

All of it.

As much as it hurt, as much it caused nausea and bad memories to flood his brain, Cloud took it all. He tried to mask the pained moans and turn them into ones that sounded pleasured. He didn't want Irvine to feel bad. He didn't want Irvine to know what Cloud was making him do. Cloud really wanted to feel this. Somehow the pain Cloud felt in his body overpowered the pain he always felt in his heart of late. And that was a welcomed escape.

The thoughts of what he had done to the important people in his life haunted him. The pain numbed something inside himself though. It made Cloud feel ok about being a wretched human being. And as Irvine came inside of Cloud the feeling of being filled also took some of that hollowness away too. It seemed like a win/win situation. Irvine was getting his needs met and Cloud could atone for his sins.

Cloud would have been content with just Irvine getting off. Cloud had just gotten what he needed after all. He had received his punishment and could go to sleep feeling better about himself. Maybe the nightmares would even be less severe. Cloud could only hope.

If it were completely up to Cloud he would probably have been content to completely forgo his own climax. It would be another layer to his punishment. But Cloud just _knew_ that Irvine would feel some sort of injustice if Cloud didn't prove he had enjoyed the experience in the same way Irvine had. Irvine was a good guy like that.

So Cloud didn't stop Irvine from finishing the job. Either with his hands or his mouth. If he protested the man would probably feel responsible and try to fix it. Irvine might realize that the pain wasn't fun, and then he would stop. Cloud didn't want him to stop. He finally felt like he had found something that actually worked. He really didn't want to feel miserable. This punishment was his way out of the misery.

So Cloud kept up the pretense, because it really had helped. Cloud felt completely ripped up inside the next day, but he had slept better, nestled against Irvine's warm body. When his thoughts started drifting to Sephiroth, or Zack, Cloud could just focus on the internal physical pain. He found peace in the knowledge that he didn't have to feel bad for having made everyone else miserable, because he was now making amends for all that stuff, almost nightly.

Cloud had insisted that Irvine start taking him from behind. It made the whole affair more impersonal and kept Irvine from looking at him and scrutinizing the involuntary tears. It would protect both of them, thought Cloud. Cloud even slowly became somewhat used to the fucking. The sharp stabbing and ripping sensations became normal, and Cloud was happy about that. He slowly remembered how he managed to get through life when he was in his mid teens. It was like his body still remembered and was adapting.

Cloud took solace in the knowledge that this was self inflicted. He wasn't at the mercy of anyone's whims but his own. And there was no cutting. So Cloud took comfort in those thoughts and his choices. Cloud had survived, and he would continue to prevail, just like the people of Wutai prevailed through all of their ordeals.


	21. The Cure

**Author Notes:**

Mature content ahead.

 **Chapter 21**

 _The Cure_

Summary:

 _Cloud is getting by in life, any way he can. Three weeks have passed since Roxas left._

* * *

Cloud had finally found his band-aid. He didn't think he would ever truly be able to express to Irvine how much he appreciated what the other man was unwittingly doing for him. Cloud had managed to convince Irvine that the blood, which was unavoidable sometimes, was actually a huge turn on for Cloud, which, albeit off-putting for Irvine, had made him be ok with it. Cloud had felt guilty about that lie until Irvine dished out Cloud's self inflicted punishment and then everything was alright again. The system worked, and Cloud wasn't going to mess with it.

He felt like he could function properly during the days and sleep peacefully at night. At some point Cloud did entertain the thought that maybe the screwing around with Irvine was a replacement for the TV and news binging he had done when Sephiroth had been on everyone's lips. But he brushed it aside because he wasn't depressed now. He was able to accomplish things, whereas before he had fallen too deeply into misery and guilt.

But Cloud was far from happy. He existed. He ate, he slept, he breathed, he built things, and he fixed things. He socialized and kept Yuffie company sometimes. She had started taking Cloud with her on weekend excursions into the country, despite her finding him a poor Roxas substitute. But Cloud enjoyed seeing more of the countryside with the ninja, and he enjoyed the stories she told of the stupid things Roxas and her had gotten up to.

Cloud spoke to Roxas on most days. He always got a kick out of the times he managed to interrupt Roxas doing things he'd rather not think about his brother doing with the irritating bean-pole. He could always tell, even when Roxas denied it. There was a particular fluster and timbre in his voice, which always made Cloud laugh.

The times he spoke to Roxas were the closest to happiness he ever got. Even when the inevitable turn in conversation came where they would discuss when Cloud would come back to Radiant Gardens. Even when Roxas questioned why he was inflicting himself with a self imposed prison sentence, Cloud was still happy to be talking to his brother. At least Roxas still cared. That meant a lot to Cloud.

Cloud still didn't feel any closer to resolving his issues and feelings around needing Zack in his life. He certainly understood _why_ Zack meant so much to him now. He really owed Irvine for that. But it had only made his feelings and need for Zack grow stronger, which was devastating. He didn't know how to cure himself.

Having sex with Irvine wasn't the cure, he had come to realize. He had been so certain that meaningless sex would have fixed something deeply broken in himself. It should have shifted how he felt about Zack. But it really hadn't. The sex only served as a stop-gap measure. It was his flotation device. An effective one for most things that ailed him and pulled him down, but it wasn't a solution, and it made him sad some days.

Cloud had one of those days when he decided to call Roxas in the evening. He had hoped that talking to his brother might cheer him up a little. Their conversations certainly never left him feeling worse.

The phone rang for a long time, making Cloud wonder if Roxas was having a moment with Axel. He hoped he was. He loved interrupting them.

" _Heya Cloud! How's things!_ " Roxas' ever cheerful voice rang through his ear suddenly.

"Took you long enough to answer. Everything alright? - Did I call at a bad time?" Cloud chuckled in amusement.

" _Everything's fine, and you wish it was a bad time! But it's really not. It's actually a really good time. I've just been spending some time with Zack. Just leaving now to go home to Axel. I can run back in and get him on the phone if you want._ "

"Zack?" That news hit him like a tonne of bricks. He longed to hear his voice. The temptation was strong. But what would Cloud even say to him? Surely he wouldn't care about how Cloud was doing. Surely he thought the worst of Cloud. How could he not? Cloud hadn't bothered making contact with him in three years. That's enough for anyone well adjusted to fall out of love with someone.

Cloud's heart ached at the thought of having lost Zack's affections. He didn't - couldn't - bare to know the truth.

"No it's alright, Rox. But -," Cloud was too curious. He couldn't let it go entirely, "How is he doing?"

" _He's really well, Cloud. Denzel is here working for him. He's also got this really cute photo of the two of you on his wall,_ " came Roxas' laugh through the line.

That stunned Cloud. "Really? I didn't know there were any photos of us." Cloud thought of the photo Zack had taken and made his caller ID on Cloud's phone. "I kind of wish I had one, actually," Cloud muttered to himself.

He had never thought of something like that, but now he thought it would be really nice to have. Something to hang on to. Something to make the past feel less like a dream and more like something that once truly existed. Cloud and Roxas didn't have any photos of their family. That's what made the photograph of their father so special to Cloud. That's what made the photo of Zack so important. That's why he suddenly thought that he would give anything for a photo of them together.

"D-does he still look the same?" asked Cloud hesitantly. Cloud knew that he himself had changed. He was a lot more hideous now. He thought back on when he had seen Zack on the television what seemed forever ago. He couldn't imagine Zack growing anything but more gorgeous with the years.

" _Are you asking me if he's more handsome than ever before? Because you know I only have eyes for one man in my life,_ " teased Roxas.

Despite the heartache Cloud had to laugh. His brother always made him laugh with his astuteness. "Well, is he?"

" _Yeah, he actually is. His hair's a lot longer now. I know you like long hair._ "

Cloud smiled to himself thinking of Zack's hair, before becoming uncomfortable as he suddenly thought of Sephiroth. Cloud had loved nothing better than to play with that man's hair when he was younger.

" _If you came back here you could see him and take as many photos as your heart desires. - But you already know that,_ " added Roxas after a brief pause, frustration evident in his voice.

Of course Roxas would bring this up _yet again_ , thought Cloud. The frustration Cloud could hear in his brother's voice was the same frustration Cloud felt.

" _Zack misses you. He told me to tell you that he'll always be here for you._ "

Cloud's heart clenched and his face contorted into a pained frown. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. Roxas was just telling him lies to make him feel better.

" _Cloud, I know that you're frowning at me right now, so stop that._ "

Cloud let out the breath he was painfully holding in. He knew Roxas was just worried about his wellbeing. "I'm doing ok, Rox. Cid actually gave me a compliment today. At least I think it was one - He said ' _Not bad for someone like you'_."

Both brothers laughed.

" _You might get to Cid's human side one day._ "

"Maybe." Cloud was always thankful when Roxas let Cloud off the hook for changing the subject.

Cloud heard a loud yawn emanate through the phone.

"I'll let you go, Rox. Don't let Axel keep you up all night."

" _You should be more worried about me keeping him up all night instead,_ " came Roxas' amused voice.

"Too much info, little brother," said Cloud, smiling to himself.

"Night," they both said in unison and Roxas hung up.

That night Cloud faced Irvine and let the man bury himself deep inside of Cloud. He wanted that empty part of him to be completely filled up. He let Irvine deliver shallow thrusts. Cloud allowed himself to feel pleasure, no matter how appalled he would be with himself the next day. He imagined what it would be like to have Zack's long locks brush against his skin and face. To have the kisses be from Zack's full lips.

Cloud came before Irvine ever did. He cried out Zack's name in longing, and hoped that the man would somehow hear him. No thoughts to Irvine's feelings were given.


	22. Wish Fulfillment

**Chapter 22**

 _Wish_ _Fulfillment_

Summary:

 _A lot of time passed, and Cloud keeps drifting through his miserable life. He should have been careful what he wished for._

* * *

Irvine and Cloud never spoke about Zack. Yet sometimes Cloud felt like it loomed heavily over their heads. Irvine occasionally looked like he wanted to ask something, but Cloud always opted for distraction via kisses. Some days Cloud hated using Irvine in that way. He hated pretending like Irvine was someone else. He didn't feel it to be fair on the other man.

But what else could he do?

Cloud despised the fact that he couldn't keep Zack's name off his lips whenever he came. It happened whenever they were having more mutually pleasurable sex. A part of him wanted to keep Irvine at bay though, and it felt like every time he uttered Zack's name it drove a much needed wedge between the two of them. It put Irvine in his place and reassure Cloud that the sex they were having was nothing meaningful. It was just a means to an end. Cloud hated himself for that, and readily accepted his painful punishment later on to sooth himself. Cloud knew he was pretty fucked up, but he couldn't see a way out.

One evening Cloud received a phone call from his brother. Instantly Cloud's mind went to worst case scenarios. Roxas didn't make a habit of calling Cloud. It was Cloud's responsibility to stay in touch, that was their agreement.

He didn't want to worry the girls who were happily sitting, playing with Irvine's hair, trying to figure out the best way to inflict embarrassing and ridiculous hairstyles on the cowboy. Irvine seemed pretty unfazed however, casually reading a weapons magazine.

Cloud took the call in the hallway.

"Roxas, is everything alright?"

There was no response.

"Roxas?"

Panic rose.

"Roxas, are you hurt?" Cloud's heart was pounding a mile a minute.

But then he heard something. It was faint at first but grew stronger as the seconds ticked by. Music drifted through the phone to Cloud's ear. More specifically it was the sound of a guitar. Cloud's heart beat fast for a completely different reason now.

He didn't know what was going on. Laughter emanated from the room behind him, and Cloud moved further down the hall, locking himself in the closet under the stairs so he could have some privacy.

Cloud's eyes watered. He knew that voice. He had missed hearing it so much. A sob freed itself from Cloud's chest. He covered his mouth to keep anyone from hearing. He covered it most of all though so he wouldn't stop himself from hearing Zack's singing. Cloud felt foolish, but he wanted to believe that Zack was singing those words for no one but himself. The songs of love, and endless waiting. The songs about them having a future together, and longing for the others return. The songs about the pain being felt over being apart - It all hit home to Cloud.

It meant the world to him to hear Zack sing. Cloud remembered all the songs in the past. Every one of them had always been meant for Cloud. The sharp pain Cloud felt in his heart hurt too much to bear. Why was he still insistent on punishing himself? Why couldn't he just go back to Zack already? He just really wished he didn't need that man in his life. But it felt like the longer Cloud was away from him the worse it got. Cloud hated himself for that too.

He wanted to be strong when he returned to Zack. He needed some pride and self respect. He couldn't go back like the crybaby he was. He couldn't face his past unless he changed.

Cloud hung up the call when the music stopped. He went to his room and locked the door. Not even contemplating opening it up when the soft knock came. He needed to be left alone with his pain tonight. He needed to allow himself to feel it - all of it.

* * *

Days passed before Cloud could get up the courage to call Roxas. He didn't want to talk about Zack - but he just had to know.

"What was that the other day?" Cloud sounded more pissed off than he actually was. He was glad about that.

" _Oh, when I called you?_ "

"Yeah."

" _I just thought you could use some entertainment in your life. Zack didn't know I had you listening in, if that's what you're worried about._ "

Cloud was hoping that Roxas was lying. He secretly hoped that Zack had known and that every lyric he uttered had been meant for Cloud.

"I'm not worried about that. It's a bit unfair of you to make him play for so long." Cloud knew that it was a pretty weak argument.

" _So you listened till the end? Good. I'm glad. No wonder you fell for him, Cloud. The way he plays is a real turn on,_ " laughed Roxas.

"You stay away from him," and Cloud was only half joking.

" _Get over here and claim him back already if you're that worried. He doesn't have anyone in his life anymore, you know? He's going down to visit Aerith and do the deliveries in a few weeks but Aerith has a boyfriend now, so Zack doesn't even have anyone to have fun with, if you know what I mean._ "

"Really? He's got no-one?" There was a flutter and whisper of hope. If Zack had no one then -. But Cloud suddenly felt bad for the huge amounts of sex he'd been having. It gave him a headache to think about it.

" _Yeah, really. Anyway, I have to go. I think Axel is getting jealous of me saying nice things about Zack._ "

"Bye, Rox."

" _See ya, soon, ok?_ "

The phone went dead before Cloud could reply with his firm ' _no_ '.

* * *

The weeks rolled around in the same fashion as they always did. There were targets and quotas to meet and accomplish. There were things to put together and pull apart. Cloud tried to put the upheaval of that surprise phone call far behind himself. He tried not to think of Zack and buried himself in his work during the day, and let Irvine bury himself into Cloud during the nights.

But the misery he felt within himself had been heightened to a whole new level, and the sting and pain his body was in did nothing to detract from the heartache. Sometimes he wondered how much longer he could keep going. Some days he became really sick of his own pathologies, but he was too scared to do anything remotely meaningful about it. So he suffered. Cloud at least knew he was very good at doing that.

* * *

One afternoon Cloud came back home to the HQ's a bit earlier than he had intended to. He had managed to get ahead of his workload for the day. Cloud had been feeling a bit more mopey than usual and Cid couldn't stand ' _mopey'_ , so told him to get out rather than assign him with bonus duties.

Cloud slid the door open and let himself into the familiar and comforting gloom. Cid's workshop lacked any kind of central air conditioning so he often felt like he was working in a sauna. It made returning home all the more pleasant as it was always a lot cooler there.

Cloud nodded at Squall as a form of greeting, and walked past the man, wanting nothing more than to have a cold shower. Cloud however didn't get very far.

"Cloud, this arrived for you today."

Cloud turned around, surprised. He wasn't expecting anything, nor did he ever receive anything unless it was some parts he ordered at Cid's workshop. Squall handed him a thin rectangular package wrapped in brown paper. Cloud looked at it dumbfounded.

"Who's it from?"

Squall shrugged. "If you open it you'll probably find out."

Cloud turned to leave but Squall called him back again.

"Cloud -"

"Yeah?"

As Cloud turned back to face Squall he could have sworn he saw the man grimace at the bar. It quickly faded when Squall could feel Cloud's eyes on him.

"Never mind."

Cloud shrugged and went upstairs to his room slowly. He threw himself on his bed for a few moments, stretching his arms wide. Maybe Roxas had sent him something. Cloud picked up the package and held it up as he examined it carefully. There was no address or name on it. So it had to have been hand delivered.

Cloud thought to just leave it. He didn't really care. No one ever sent him anything. No one even knew he was here, so it couldn't be anything important.

He got up and fetched some fresh clothes with the intention of heading to the shower, but his eyes fell on the brown paper lying on his bed one more time. Cloud stopped and sighed. He was a little bit curious.

Dumping his things on the bed he sat down again and undid the wrapping. He uncovered a wooden frame. His brow furrowed, trying to make sense of what was going on. He turned the frame around to look at the glass side of it.

Surprise lit up Cloud's face. His heart thumped and his hands began to shake. He looked at the photo trapped behind glass. He stared at his own face, looking a lot younger. His eyes drifted over Zack's shape. There was that smile Cloud loved so much, but Zack also looked incredibly sad.

They were standing together, wrapped up, just about to kiss. Cloud's heart ached. The photograph was of their last morning together at the church, as they had said goodbye to one another.

"But it wasn't goodbye. We agreed that it wasn't ever going to be goodbye." Tears welled in Cloud's eyes and he clutched the frame close to his chest. His wish had come true. He had a photo of them together.

Cloud's mind quickly sharpened. He hurriedly, but carefully, threw the frame back on his bed and ran down the stairs. Squall was just tidying up the table when Cloud, huffing slightly, accosted him with questions.

"Who brought you that parcel? Who delivered it?"

"Just some guy. Is everything alright?"

"No! It's not! What did he look like?"

Squall seemed a bit hesitant to answer that.

"Squall! _Tell me!_ " demanded Cloud.

"He looked pretty average," he said with a shrug, but could see that Cloud wasn't satisfied with that answer. Squall sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Tall. Blue eyes, long black hair."

Cloud's eyes widened. "When did he leave? Where did he go?"

"You want to tell me what this is all about?"

"There's no time." Cloud's heart was racing. He wanted to see Zack. It must have been Zack. Cloud felt so desperate and snapped. "Just answer me!"

Squall's eyes narrowed at Cloud's tone of voice. "He came in about an hour ago. He'll be long gone by now, Cloud. And I don't know where he went."

Cloud frowned in pain. He could have sworn he heard the door open and close just a few moments ago. He ran past Squall and into the alley beyond their door.

He looked to either side as far as he could see.

Empty.

He ran to the left, as it was the shorter side of the alley and lead to where everyone kept their vehicles parked. Tears streamed down his face in earnest as he ran. He needed Zack in his life. He wanted Zack in his life. ' _It was never meant to be 'goodbye'!'_

Cloud reached the carpark, but there was nothing and noone there. Cloud bit his lip as the sadness swelled in his chest, drowning him. "Zaaaaaaaaaaaack!", screamed Cloud in long and drawn out pain at the sky, before the sobs overtook his body. He collapsed to the ground and thumped the dirt with his fist in agony. It just _had_ to have been Zack.

Cloud knew Zack never went back to Wutai after he left. They had talked about it at some point. Cloud knew that this place was too painful for the man to come back to… but he had… for Cloud… hadn't he? That thought burrowed into his mind and heart, making this whole thing even more painful. Why hadn't he stayed? Why didn't he want to see Cloud? His chest constricted, threatening to smother his heart and lungs.

If Cloud had turned around he would have seen a figure in the shadows of a nearby building move towards him. But it retreated again as Cloud's name was shouted from the far side of the alley by someone running towards him, dressed in a tan coat and a cowboy hat.

* * *

Irvine had helped support and carry Cloud back into their home and up to his room. Irvine had never seen Cloud in so much emotional pain as he did that day. When he carefully helped lay Cloud on his bed he saw him grab and clutch a picture frame close to his chest and the sobs only seemed to intensify.

Talking to Cloud had been no use. Irvine had just lain next to him, hugging him, and stroking his hair until the sobs died down. Irvine wasn't sure how much more he could take of Cloud's turmoil. For some reason he loved the man, despite everything they were doing to each other.

Every time Cloud called out someone else's name when they were making love it was a stab to his heart. Every time they were fucking, Irvine couldn't shake the feeling that he was hurting Cloud. And yet he didn't stop, because it felt good, and a part of him was resentful towards Cloud too. He wasn't proud of that part of himself, but it was there, and there was nothing he could do about it. They both needed each other, and they both hurt each other. That seemed to be their lot in life.

Irvine tried to coax Cloud out for dinner but to no avail. Cloud locked himself in his room for a couple of days. Irvine and Selphie left food outside of Cloud's door for him, and would find the tray empty so that at least eased their worries a little bit.


	23. A New Sunrise

**Chapter 23**

 _A New Sunrise_

Summary:

 _It was one of the most terrifying decisions he thought he ever made._

* * *

Cloud was broken. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stay here any longer. But he also couldn't go back to Zack the way he was now. He hated his weakness. He hated needing other people to make him better. Every time Cloud gained a shred of self worth it was drowned out again by the hateful speech in his head. Cloud couldn't shake the venom in his own thoughts. Cloud wanted to cease existing. He wanted it to be over. But he was also a coward.

Zack had come. Zack had delivered the photograph that he stared at every day, and all night. But Zack hadn't come to greet him. Why hadn't he? Maybe the photograph _was_ a goodbye.

Cloud curled in on himself in heartache. Maybe Zack was tired of holding on. Maybe all the songs he sang had been his final farewell. If Cloud didn't have Roxas or Zack in his life anymore then what was left for him? There was only Sephiroth. Only Sephiroth would still love him, despite all the awful things he had done to the man.

' _No one will ever love you the way I love you. No one will ever care for you the way I care for you. Look at you, cry baby. You're so weak and pathetic. But I still love you. Come here.'_

Those words rang loudest when he was with Irvine. Those words had been most quiet when he was with Zack. But now even Zack was saying goodbye.

A knock came at Cloud's door.

Cloud chose not to answer.

The door handle rattled, followed by a more forceful knock.

"Open up this door, immediately, Strife."

Cloud acquiesced - slowly - and then creeped back to his bed, pulling the covers over his head.

Cloud felt his bed dip as Squall sat down next to him.

"I don't think I've been a very good leader," Squall started. "I've let you go on with this behavior for too long and I _do_ blame myself."

"You gonna kick me out?" muffled Cloud into his pillow.

"No, I'm gonna kick your butt though. I've let others try and help you. Your brother was a big help, but he's gone now. And then this situation with you and Irvine started. I know you two are hurting each other - in different ways." Squall pulled the blanket off Cloud's head, but Cloud just fixed his eyes on the photograph of himself and Zack, defiantly.

Squall followed the gaze and picked up the frame. Cloud sat bolt upright and tried to grab it off the other man, but was held back.

"If I had known that this picture would cause you so much grief I'd have told Zack where to shove it."

Cloud's pulse quickened at the mention of Zack's name. "What do you mean ' _you would have told Zack'_?"

"Do you even notice how you come alive when you speak or think of Zack? Do you notice how much of a zombie you are when the people who are important in your life aren't around?"

Cloud looked blankly at Squall.

Squall sighed and rubbed his face. He looked tired and worn out. "Why aren't you with Zack, Cloud? He came all the way down here to give you this," Squall gently waved the frame and looked pointedly at Cloud.

A mixture of excitement and utter devastation filled Cloud to have his strong suspicions actually confirmed.

"How do you even kn -," began Cloud, confused.

"Not important right now. Just answer my question."

"He came down to give me a signal that it's goodbye. And I hear him loud and clear." muttered Cloud, feeling dejected and like he was about to start crying again.

Squall groaned in exasperation.

"It's true. It _is_ my fault then. I should have listened to my gut," he muttered to himself. "I told him to stay and give it to you himself. I _told_ him that if you saw him in the flesh it would make you better, not worse. He never listens to me. Not then, not now. He spoke about not wanting to force your hand. He said that if you saw him you wouldn't make a choice, but go with him out of guilt, or some sort of obligation. I told him he was being ridiculous."

Cloud tried to absorb what Squall was telling him. He felt uncertain. He didn't know whether to believe the man. "No. Zack was just being polite. He gave me a farewell present. He doesn't -." Cloud stopped himself, swallowing down the tears. He attempted again. "He doesn't wa-." The word wouldn't leave his throat.

Cloud berated himself for not being able to get it out.

"You _really_ believe that Zack _doesn't_ want you in his life?" Squall almost sounded incredulous.

Cloud's eyes welled with tears and his body shook with a sob. It stabbed him to hear those words out loud.

"Look at me, Squall. Look! I'm - pathetic. I'm the worst. I'm selfish and ungrateful. _Weak_. No one wants to be around me. I don't want to be around me. I can't even love myself. How can I expect anyone else to? I'm better off just being alone. That way I won't cause anyone else any more pain. Zack could see that. That's why he came. That's why he gave me something to hang on to," Cloud lifted the frame out of Squall's hands and pressed it close to his chest.

"Zack is too kind and polite to reject me outright." Cloud bit his bottom lip to stop any more sobs from coming out.

"Again, do you _really believe_ that Zack doesn't want you in his life? Or that you're better off alone?"

Cloud nodded in earnest and Squall just looked at him for a long while before exhaling sharply.

"You are sick, Cloud."

The directness of Squall's words surprised Cloud and he looked at the man startled.

"People like you and me - we go through life poisoned. Everyone else can function well. Everyone has a purpose and meaning. They make it look easy. Roxas makes it look easy to bounce back from disappointment, defeat, heartbreak, loss, grief, whatever. But we can't all be like that," said Squall with an incredibly even and pointed tone.

"People like _us_ have to accept that we need something more in our lives. We, for whatever reason, don't have the needed mental resilience readily available for us to tap into and get on with our lives. We have to rely on others, Cloud. Other people pick us up. Other people provide shelter from the storm. They give us respite so we can recharge and head back out into the world. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make us _weak_. It doesn't make us _pathetic_. It just means we are _different_. And the world is made up of all kinds of _different_."

Cloud held Squall's gaze. Cloud always found it easy to relate to Squall somehow, and to not feel attacked by the other man. They were kindred spirits. They spoke to each others hearts. That didn't make what he was hearing any easier to swallow though.

"What's weak and pathetic is _not_ recognizing what we need. Not taking care of ourselves, and having too much pride to accept the help that is offered. And I'll let you in on a little secret, Cloud. Other people are our antidote. Why would you refuse to take your medicine? Why do you insist on being completely alone with what you're going through? You know who the people are in your life who can fix you. People like your brother. People like Zack." Squall pried the frame from Cloud's chest a little so Cloud could look down and see the photograph.

"That man loves you, Cloud. I would wager all that I have that he loves you more than life itself. I could see it in his eyes - because that's the same way that Rinoa looks at me, and the way I look at her. You are making your own poisoning so much more painful by believing all the negative things in your head, and by revisiting all the painful memories in your heart."

Cloud tried to absorb everything Squall said. But it was incredibly painful to hear. It couldn't be true. None of it.

"You're wrong, Squall. I need to be stronger. I need to be someone who's worthwhile and deserving to receive other people's love. I can't be worth anything until I stop needing people in my life. I can't fix myself until I become self reliant." The pained frown on Cloud's face only deepened with each statement.

"I don't know how it happened to you. I don't know how it got into you - but that's the poison talking, Cloud. Why do you have anything to prove? Why can't you just accept the love that people are already so willing to give you?"

Cloud knew the answer. It tore at his heart in the depth of the night. He squeezed his eyes shut - not wanting to acknowledge the truth. It had slowly been brewing over the year; the uncomfortable and sickening realization which he never wanted to face.

"Cloud. Tell me. You need to let that poison out of yourself."

A gentle hand reached out to touch Cloud's shoulder.

Cloud slowly formed the words in his head. The words slowly slipped out of his mouth, and each syllable made him cringe inwardly. "They aren't the ones I want to feel love from the most. It doesn't matter how much others accept me - as long as _he_ doesn't accept me - I can't accept myself." Cloud felt sick with himself. Sick that Sephiroth meant so much to him. Vile that he felt so much of his own self worth entangled with the sick bastard. Why did his approval have to mean so much to him?

Squall looked at the other man for a long while, watching as Cloud silently shed tears. He seemed to brace himself against what he was about to divulge.

"You know - I had a pretty abusive childhood. My father was never there, always fighting in a war somewhere. My mother was an alcoholic and neglectful. I longed for their approval so much, for all of my life. It's why I joined the Galbadian military. I was miserable for my entire life. I buried myself in my work, in other people, in drugs and alcohol. To try and make it all go away. But it never worked. My only salvation came from letting other caring people into my life. If Rinoa hadn't been such a pain in my backside I would be dead. We cannot change our past, Cloud. We have to find ways to move on from it. We can't change other people either. We can only change ourselves. And maybe the biggest change you can make is by letting other people into your life - Letting the _good_ people in, to drown out the bad."

Cloud looked up at Squall, through his tears. Maybe one or two of Cloud's self indulgent tears were even being shed for the other man right now.

"You've hurt yourself enough, Cloud. You've let your past hurt you enough. I want you out of here by the morning. I want you to go to the people who love you most, and I want you to accept their antidote. I want you to let yourself feel it and accept it. I want you to put your past to bed, and never turn on the lights again. And if you are still here when the sun rises then I will take that as your promise to me that you will stop this self inflicted torture. No more misery and torment. Never again. You find some way to heal. You let Kinneas into your heart somehow." Squall's eyes were stern. He meant every word of what he said.

"You have two choices. You pick one. Don't make me choose for you, Strife."

With that Squall got up and left, without so much as looking at Cloud again.

* * *

Cloud lay awake for a long time that night. He thought about everything Squall had said. He thought of everything he had spoken about with Roxas. He had thought about the people of Wutai. Everyone was able to get over their past. Everyone had been moving forward, and moving on. Cloud had thought he was moving in the right direction - until all the news about Sephiroth had hit him harder than a freight train.

Cloud felt angry at being held back and at being reminded. Cloud would love to put the thing to bed once and for all. So why couldn't he do it? Why did he love hurting himself so much? For that must surely be it; Cloud loved to drown in his misery. It was comfortable and familiar.

Even the pain that he made Irvine inflict on him had been comfortable and familiar. He hadn't been able to attain Zack's comfort, so he had chosen to go with the pain that was reminiscent of his past. The realization caused bitter tears to fall.

But if Cloud kept choosing what was comfortable and familiar -. Cloud needed to change himself. Once and for all. He thought about Squall admitting that he needed people in his life. It made Cloud feel marginally better about himself. Even Roxas said that there was nothing wrong with needing people. Maybe Could could accept some of what they were saying.

Cloud tried to hold it for a little while.

He tried to imagine that there was a life where it was ok to need others, and to feel whole and completed by others. His mind wandered to Zack and he smiled in pain. He desperately wanted to believe what Squall had said about Zack. He didn't want a ' _goodbye_ '.

As the hours ticked by the resolution solidified. Cloud was sick of his own shit. He was going to leave. He was going to return to where he belonged, and to hell with feeling guilty or bad over it. He would hold on and accept himself like Aerith had told him once to do, so long ago. He would hold on and not let go, until he finally believed that he was worth something.

It was one of the most terrifying decisions he thought he ever made.

* * *

Cloud didn't have many possessions so packing up was easy and quick. It was still extremely early in the morning and Cloud was glad for that. It would mean no one would be up and he needn't explain himself and say goodbye.

He took a final look around his room and turned the light off. No more going back. He shut that part of his life away, and put it behind himself.

He softly and silently made his way downstairs and towards the door.

"Cloud, where are you going?"

Cloud's heart sank as he heard Irvine's sleepy voice drift to his ears just as he was halfway across the room. The man had apparently fallen asleep on the downstairs sofa.

Cloud slung his bag more securely around his shoulder. He desperately felt like he needed to hold onto something as he headed over, sitting down next to Irvine.

"I'm leaving. Squall wants me gone."

Cloud noticed how there was no surprise from the other man. Cloud could even have sworn that he saw some relief in the way Irvine's chest seemed to deflate and relax a little.

"Will I ever see you again?" was Irvine's question after a moment's thoughtful pause.

"I don't know," came the flat answer.

"I know you never wanted a relationship, Cloud. But we had one anyway, no matter if you'll admit it or not. I think you owe me an explanation."

"I know we had a relationship, Irvine." Cloud finally conceded, eyes cast to the floor.

Now that his mind was made up to leave it was easier to acknowledge that they had in fact had _something_. "I didn't want to get close to you. I couldn't let myself get close to you. I wanted something meaningless. I just wanted to get what I needed from you." Cloud hung his head in shame. "But I didn't want to hurt you."

"I wanted you to love me. I tried to convince myself that you did - in your own way. Did you ever love me?" Irvine seemed desperate for an answer.

Cloud grimaced at the question. "I loved what you did for me. I loved - and hated - what you reminded me of. But -," Cloud felt so sorry for what he was about to say, "I never loved you."

Irvine huffed.

"I really wish you had just gotten yourself a prostitute, Cloud. Or at least paid me some money. You should have treated me the way you thought of me." Bitterness and hurt were all Irvine could give Cloud. But now that things were ended between them they could finally clear the air.

"I'm sorry," was all Cloud said. He felt pathetic. He got back up, readjusted his bag and looked down at Irvine, who glared angrily up at him.

"Are you going to go be with ' _Zack'_?" Irvine practically spat the name in disgust.

Cloud winced, which Irvine took as his answer in the affirmative.

"You never had any room in your heart for me at all, did you?" It was a direct accusation.

Cloud shook his head sadly, causing Irvine's voice to shake. "That hurts, Cloud. You _really_ hurt me badly. And I want you to know that."

"I never wanted to - that was never my intention. I did the wrong thing by you and I am so, _so_ sorry."

"Save it, Cloud. You lead me on. You used me, and I was stupid enough to hang around because I thought - I hoped - that I could somehow make you fall in love with me, by doing everything you wanted me to do."

Cloud got a sick feeling in his stomach. He never wanted to hurt Irvine. Hadn't he promised himself that he wouldn't screw anyone over in the way that Cloud had been screwed over? He felt crushed. He had failed someone who had trusted him. In the end he was no better than -. Disgust overwhelmed him.

Cloud couldn't bare to leave things between them like that, but he had no inkling how to even begin to fix the damage he had done. He took a stab in the dark, and spoke from the heart.

"You're a good person, Irvine. You don't deserve someone like me in your life. I always told you as much. Don't ever let yourself think your job defines who you are. You are so much more than just a killer," Cloud said softly.

He breathed in deeply before continuing, "I really think I could have loved you. But I never wanted to. And that's on me. That's because of how screwed up I am. So please don't blame yourself. Please don't think it had anything to ever do with you. I hope you find someone who you can share yourself with, and someone who'll treat you right." Cloud leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Irvine's lips. This close to his face Cloud could see the tears that rolled down the man's cheeks.

Cloud turned and headed towards the door with a heavy heart. He couldn't stay. He couldn't try to make it work out with Irvine. He had already tried so hard. This was better for both of them.

Just as he was about to slide the door open Irvine spoke up.

"We've both wronged each other, Cloud. We both hurt each other. We're even, you hear? Don't you _dare_ feel bad about this," Irvine threatened.

"Goodbye, Irvine." Cloud managed a smile. It hurt. Irvine was still trying to take care of Cloud, despite everything. That was the biggest wound of all.

Cloud stepped out and slid the door close behind himself quietly. He breathed in the cool night air, trying to still his trembling hands. He just needed to get away from this place. From these people. Cloud needed to go be with the people who made him better. He had to learn to accept that.

Cloud left to get his bike out of the shed so he could head to Radiant Gardens. He lovingly ran his hands over the sidecar which he hadn't needed to use in years, and which he was going to leave painfully behind. He had built it with his own two hands in school. It had been a promise and an encouragement to himself that he was going to get himself and Roxas out of the terrible situation that Cloud had got them into.

The sidecar had served them well. It had done it's duty. It deserved to be retired. Cloud no longer needed it. He was about to set off on his own journey.

He wanted to try and fix his life once and for all. Everyone had told him that he needed to leave his past behind to move forward. But Cloud was certain he needed to face his past and find a better way to integrate it with who he understood himself to be, so the sun could rise on his new tomorrow.

Cloud went out to get provisions and made one final stop off before leaving Wutai. He had to say his good-byes to his father in the small shrine, nestled in a far flung corner of the larger temple complex, at the very heart of the country that had given him so much, but also taken everything from him.

He lit incense, he prayed, he gazed at his father's photograph. This was the only remnant Cloud had of his father. He debated with himself for a while before he pocketed the frame and blew out the last burning candle.

He hoped Barret would forgive him.

 _To be continued..._

* * *

 _A Note from_ _ **Cream Pudding**_ -

Cloud's story continues on in part 4 - The Search for Absolution.

Roxas' story continues in part 3 - The Clock Tower.

Part 3 and 4 cross over significantly.

You can find links to all parts of this series on my profile page.

Please leave reviews if you've enjoyed this fic and series.


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